The Diary

Cod Almighty | Diary

We're not really here

13 September 2016

Wicklow Diary writes: "A meeting, handshake then a summer looking at a phone that doesn't ring" was the title of Gregor Robertson's first article for the Times. It's behind their paywall thingy and as CA doesn't cover that kind of expense, I'll refer to the similar free article he wrote for the Independent in January. It's purgatory and obviously doesn't sound too pleasant.

Yesterday, Paul Hurst rescued defender Danny Collins from limbo by making that call. Or got Danny's agent to relay a call, at any rate. It's a move that could be most excellent for both parties. His legs might be 36 (like the rest of him, I suppose, apart from his adult teeth. And hair. And nails. Technically your cells are regenerating all the time – don't you get a new skeleton every ten years or summat? Right, this is getting too scientific for a pedantic bracketed footnote and could be distracting, so I'll stop there) but with 10 years' experience in the top two divisions and 12 Welsh caps, he has a football noggin that we could not afford otherwise.

As is the tradition, Danny had his new arrival interview with Dale yesterday. Full credit to interviewer and interviewee for sticking with it to the end. The chat probably put another two years on both of them. It was finished after a minute and half but managed to last another five minutes. He's 36, Dale. Just get his name and number and let him get back to bed.

Anyway, it emerged that rather just look at the phone, Danny was sat in watching Soccer Saturday while waiting for a call. The poor guy – it's worse than we thought. Also, he's "not here for the sights and stuff": he's "here to work, to play football". I think we can say that's probably a good thing on both counts there.

Dis, Ben Davies and Collins in the starting XI would be a throwback to the days of Sherwood, Futcher and Birtles. That worked out alright. What's the oldest team we've fielded in recent times? Might be a theme for Devon Diary – answers on a Cleethorpes Pier postcard or email to get him started, just no Peter Beagrie please.

Collins' signing might not remove the question mark over the pace of our defence. If we press and defend all over the pitch like we did against Luton, this will be less of a problem. Oh yes, Luton. Gregor Robertson was there on Saturday too. With our recent stadium announcement, the headline on his article had my heart sinking until I read to the end. 'Worst town in UK' must accept its team's future lies away from Kenilworth Road.

If you can afford all these subscriptions, adjust your top hat and monocle and click on. I had a peek yesterday before they locked it up. We can't have it both ways, can we – complaining about the ads on the Telegraph and complaining about the subscription on the Times. It should be like TV – you pay for the premium channels like Sky Sports and you never see another ad again. Ha, Rupes Murdoch didn't get to Bond villain levels of wealth through logic and fairness.

It was said by Retro on Friday and it's evident in Gregor's article that there are many parallels between the two towns and their football clubs. At first glance a disorientated member of the CA team even mistook a minaret on the Luton Central Mosque for the Dock Tower.

Luton are going with a town-centre stadium with an enabling development situated out of town. We may not follow this template but we should at least study the stadium design. 

They want the crowd on top of the pitch and the corners filled in. That's what we need in our new place. Rugby is never going to catch on so we should have the bye-lines close to the stands. So close that the keeper can get a pat on the head retrieving the ball from the net. Ah yes, the nets. Nothing too taut. They should hang off the stanchions with excess net bunched up at the bottom. The ball has to nestle in there and really let the keeper know he's let one in as he recovers the ball from a layer of net. Getting ahead of myself here, aren't I?

Never mind all that – BREAKING NEWS – a DIY store has been announced the official home improvement partner of the league. This has serious consequences for CA diarists who will now be forced to use Wickes instead of B&Q as the cornerstone of non-football-related-activity-on-a-Saturday-afternoon anecdotes.

On a more positive note, we'll happily dish out criticism of daft endorsements or the greed of the Premier League. So it's great to see Everton with an example of the opposite. Last night's donation of £200,000 to the Sunderland mascot Bradley Lowery towards his treatment is rightly being applauded and presumably left the Sunderland chairman awkwardly patting his pockets looking for his wallet. Good luck to Bradley and his family.