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Cod Almighty | Diary

Let's hope for three points and not a deconstructed flag in sight

27 September 2016

Wicklow Diary writes: Wot's that transfer window all about then? One of its alleged benefits is to reduce uncertainty at clubs who may otherwise be vulnerable to advances from every tax-dodging, oil-swilling, zero hours-offering, human rights-abusing, porn-peddling oligarch with a sack of used fivers and a reserve youth team subs bench to fill. Don't have nightmares – these traits don't exist in a single person (that we know of). They are, of course, safely spread across the owners of the clubs at the peak of our beloved national game. Makes you proud, doesn't it?

For example, a promising young fourth division striker could get off to a flying start with say, eight goals in his first seven league starts. Fear not, hypothetical fans of this imaginary team, and enjoy his craft until at least January when the window reopens. The only thing that could unsettle him before then is if his own fans start speculating on... oh for feck's sake there's already a ten-page "Bogle for 1M?" thread on t' Fishy and a #BoglesMillions hashtag on Twitter.

Tonight, Grimsby Hypotheticals take on Newport County. I've always had a soft spot for Newport. We know that 1980 was one of the greatest ever years for football and County fans would agree. They won the Welsh Cup and, as a mid-table third division team, got to the quarter-final of the European Cup-Winners' Cup. Their famous run ended when they were edged out over two legs by crack East German outfit Carl Zeiss Jena. The fall of the Berlin Wall was a peak for humanity in my lifetime and all, but I really miss the phrase 'crack East German outfit'.

Anyway, check out Miles Moss' excellent rough guide for the macro on the Exiles. I appreciate the background but as nicknames go, I have to say it's a bit disappointing and limiting. Mariners exiles are scattered around the globe. Exiles exiles? Not going to work, is it. More of a chant.

For the micro, you need to know that County are second from bottom and boss Warren Feeney was booed by fans during and after their 2-1 home defeat to Cambridge on Saturday. And it's not just Feeney's dress sense the fans were booing, although they would be justified going by the picture with this article. What is with Newport managers and fashion? Remember Justin Edinburgh's play-off pullover and tie combination that resembled a school uniform? Do they get paid in Next vouchers or something? Come on lads, you either go the whole hog with a full-length coat over a three-piece suit or throw on a tracksuit. There are no in-betweens.

Fashions rile, I'm sure, but the primary disgruntler for County fans is their team's record of one win in 21 games. So, relegation places, dreadful form and calls for the manager's head as they set off for Cleethorpes. Chris Silverthorne, leader and spokesman of the Amber Army supporters group (the Supporter Group Formerly Known as the County Choir – crikey, I'm sorry I mentioned bloody nicknames now, how many more are there?) put into words what we're all thinking by saying: "This match at Grimsby is exactly the kind of game that we might just go and win when we're under pressure."

Parkin got dog's abuse when he visited with FGR last season and thumped in a screamer. If you want to put him off, try a chorus of "for he's a jolly good fellow" or something

For us Josh Gowling is out with a back niggle. Sean Mac and Rhys Browne are available but are more likely to feature in the reserve game against Mansfield tomorrow according to the gaffer.

Familiar old foe Jon Parkin is the danger man for the opposition. It would be nice to avoid winding him up. He got dog's abuse when he visited with FGR last season and thumped in a screamer. If you want to put him off, try a chorus of "for he's a jolly good fellow" or something tonight. Good practice too for the return of Podge, Toto and the rest on Saturday.

Ex-Mariner Paul Bignot will also probably feature tonight; we should definitely be nice to him and all the Bignot family. Forget about getting transfer advice from Sam Allardyce and Scott McGarvey, I know how these things work. We'll need Hursty to have a word with Paul to have a word with his brother Marcus if we need to get another Omar from Solihull.

The Amber County Exiles Choirboy Trust or ACE for short (I'm making this one up, I think, but Newport are run by their trust) sacked Terry Butcher after ten games last season and are probably reluctant to repeat the trick again. Butcher, of course, was a victim in 2007 of the famed Grimsby Reaper. Reaps spent the last few seasons chilling in Alan Buckley and Arthur Mann's old Humberston Fitties bolthole while our Conference reign of terror dished out 2-1 and 1-1 trouncings to teams that expected to lose 8-0.

He made a gentle return by claiming at least half a scalp for the play-off final. Scott Bartlett was only caretaker but he was meant to be in charge for the final. That changed when Wigan's Omar Bogle banged in two quick goals. The Fuck BT Sport cameras caught Mark Cooper giving the half-time team talk as Bartlett shivered in a shadow of fish and death in the corner of the otherwise salubrious Wembley dressing rooms. Feeney will need a result tonight or he will be looking over his shoulder for a similar fate. As a trust-owned club, I hope Feeney survives and Newport's position improves, after tonight obviously.

Speaking of sacked managers, Leyton Orient's "eccentric" Italian owner Francesco Becchetti, banned for giving then assistant manager Andy Hessenthaler the literal boot in January, yesterday closed the circle on that joke by giving Hessenthaler a figurative one yesterday. That's an impressive five dismissals for Francesco in the past two seasons. Six, in fact, if you count getting his Albanian extradition case dismissed in July. Not just the PL clubs who have owners to be proud of.

Worryingly, Newport's victory in that one-win-in-21 statistic from five paragraphs ago came at Orient. So get this straight: the only team they've beaten is the only team to have beaten us at Blundell Park? [That "forget Crewe" therapy worked then – Ed.] That lends even more certainty to the comment from the People's Front of Newport spokeman. Sod it. Away win.

What else is going on apart from Big Sam's big trouble? Oh no, what's that, Shaun Harvey opened his mouth again and some more guff came out? "WE MUST CHANGE SOMETHING. PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE LET ME CHANGE SOMETHING," yelled Shaun into a mic in Manchester yesterday. We didn't want to go from 92 teams to 100 so Shaun thinks that maybe we'll go for 106. I couldn't get any further but there's probably a decent article there if anyone can bear reading through the entire transcript. 

Harvey was speaking at the Soccerex Global Convention which "brings together the leading buyers and suppliers in world football for three days of unrivalled insight, networking and business". At a mere £1,200 to attend, it sounds like a feeding frenzy for people who might not have our best interests at heart. I think Owen Gibson's tweet summed this up best:

Remember Mariners, don't have nightmares and don't talk to strangers who offer you £400,000 to get into their plane. UTM and let's have three points tonight.