Cod Almighty | Diary

All things Portsmouth but not even a hint of Mike Oldfield

9 December 2016

Retro Diary writes: So, here we are on the eve of one of English football’s heritage fixtures. It’s a fixture which would, not so long ago, have been fairly run-of-the-mill but our enthusiasm for afternoons like this has been given a new lease of life, following our club’s temporary exclusion from the proper world.

In fact, a Pompey game is never completely run-of-the-mill, for these are two of the League’s more interesting old characters. Dare I say it but Portsmouth might even be more of a goldilocks team than we are – a strong, unique identity; not too big to be boring; not too small to be pointless. Successes are rare but not non-existent and certainly never taken for granted. Strong local rivalries are culture-defining, but not always won.

Tomorrow’s fixture is between two proud, unfashionable towns with the sea at their fronts and the countryside at their backs. Both towns only have one professional team and both have long histories and former glories to live up to. Theirs, it has to be said, much more recent than ours. Both teams have old grounds and also strangely incongruous red socks. There’s nothing identikit here, it’s goldilocks south versus goldilocks north; the essence of the English seaside in winter in a nutshell.

Town’s first second ever [many thanks to the ever-vigilant Tony Butcher for the correction – Ed.] appearance on Match of the Day was against Pompey, a glorious 3-1 away win with Barry Davies commentating. The biggest unsegregated stand-off I ever saw inside Blundell Park was with Pompey fans. The fences went up shortly afterwards and segregation has been with us ever since.

There was a horrific away day on 5 November 1983 which I’ll tell you about when I’ve got an hour to spare, but suffice it to say it involves blood, fireworks, the Mary Rose, vomit, a hat-trick (sadly not for us), a very mean taxi driver and a lost dental plate. There was that late, late Kevin Moore headed winner, scored right into their fans. That tremendous but freezing victory in Paul Groves’ first game in charge, when the crossbar prevented Wayne Burnett scoring one of the best goals ever seen at the Park. There was the ribbon of hitch-hiking, blue-clad fans strung out down Weelsby Road all trying to get home, with a mere 253 miles of the journey still to go.

Their fans. Ah, yes. Maybe we shouldn’t heap any more grief on anyone who has to rely on Southern Rail to get anywhere, but do try their FansOnline messageboard if you want to improve your opinion of the Fishy. Their fans are already declaring the season an unmitigated disaster with their team sitting in fourth, and the general tenor of the board is almost unremittingly abusive. There was even one bloke who posted pretending to be his wife, getting her to say he’d died (please, please can someone on the Fishy try that and really make our day). The only time the contributors really came together in peace recently was when they discussed the best newsagents in Portsmouth to buy porn. 

They’re buggers all right, but they really care about their team; enough to travel long distances in large numbers and for that alone we always welcome them. We’re especially happy to see Mr John Anthony Portsmouth Football Club Westwood (yes, that’s his name); he of the tattoos, blue dreadlocks, chequered top hat and handbell. This guy has ‘PFC’ engraved on his teeth. What a glorious nutcase and icon of British fandom! I hope he attends tomorrow – we’ve missed him – unless they win and then he can, safely and peacefully, sod off.

This fixture would grace any division. It is what Nathan Arnold’s Wembley goal was for. It’s one of the division’s, indeed the genre’s, most authentic remaining set-pieces. But best of all, it’s a game which we could never be completely sure we’d ever see again. This is the time to celebrate being back with the living.

For us, sadly, Ben Davies will not quite make it back after injury. Ben is a former Portsmouth player of the year, and would have got a tremendous reception. Dominic Vose is also out, as is Sean McAllister. Biggy has stated that this game and the next complete his personal ‘pre-season’, where he looks at as many players as he can. Nothing silly though Marcus, please.

But wait, you say, isn’t there something to look forward to before that? Indeed there is! Tonight at Blundell Park, it’s Can You Hear the Grimsby Sing? For only a fiver you can witness a great line-up of talent celebrating our football club, culture and community in words and music, with proceeds contributing to the GTFC youth academy. If you can find anything on tonight’s TV schedule which is remotely as pertinent or dedicated to you and your life as this, you have full permission to stay at home. Exactly. Doors open at 7.30.

UTM