Cod Almighty | Match Stats

Monday 26 December 2016

Division 4

Grimsby Town 2 Bolarinwa (32), Chambers (88)

Accrington Stanley 0

Attendance: 5782 (108 away fans)

Stu's Special Seasonal Toilet Talk of the Town

"Two hot chocolates please"
"With or without onion?"

"Has Vernon got vertigo?"
"I wish he would go"

"...and I topped it off with a cucumber"

"I feel sorry for McKeown, but Henderson is just better"

"I got two jigsaws and a pound of caster sugar from Santa"

"Aren't you sick of seeing Seasick Steve?"

"It looks like two Town mugs in front of some Lego"

"Which biblical character was crucified at Calvary?"
"Joan of Arc"

The post-match mass love-in is playing havoc with the corporate schmoozers – by the time they get to be champagne substitute supernovas everyone has gone home. The last man standing in Blundell Park helpfully tweeted that hands were shaken and Tom Bolarinwa took home the liquid bacon. Lovely lad.

Town were in need of the dark art of defending, so the return to snarl of Comley and Davies was well-timed and well-appreciated, but let us get straight to the point. Dean O'Henderson just exudes excellence.

Quick of foot and alert in mind, he popped up where the ball was about to go. He makes himself loom large as danger approaches and projects confidence, calmness and a big personality. He has the aura of a top-flight footballer, a sheen of superiority that puts all around at ease, confident he'd collect and stop anything that went over and behind them. Now that's what a top-class keeper looks like; we'd forgotten.

If we keep him, then 12th place is safely ours.

Oh dear, what can the matter be? Vernon's verging on a catastrophe. Poor lad. Unlike Good Queen Bess, age has withered him. Can't jump. Can't run. Just can't.

"I've said now in the week and the build-up to the game that the result was more important than the performance, but I think over these last couple of weeks, we were due a clean sheet. I thought we were unfortunate in the last couple of games to concede from two free kicks so we were due a clean sheet, and we've took our goals, to be fair – Tom and Ashley have taken their goals really well today."

More on this

"I can't believe this group of players keeps losing to teams who on the day they are better than. We are making chances but we are just not taking them."

More on this

Well, well. A return to 4-4-2 and a win. All's right with the world? Ahem, excuse me while I shuffle out of the room and melt some cheese for Omar.

Tombola tormented their full-back, Comley clattered and wrenched well, while Collins and Davies were omnipresent when danger lurked. The topping on the curdled cake was the immensely impressive presence of Henderson. He oozed excellence and calm, intimidating the Stanleymen with his proto-Premiership personality. And thems be the good bits.

The rest were a mixture of middling adequacy and a post-turkey trot of timidity and tawdry totterings. Omar was in Big Man mood and got in the way of everyone and himself; Summerfield was Summerfield; and Vernon did a particularly fey impression of Patrick Hoban. Can't we flog him to Forest Green, thus killing two comedy birds with one stone?

Town were nothing at all as an offensive unit, mostly stable in defence, with a goalkeeper slumming it down in the fourth division. Marcus got what he ordered for Christmas – a win from a shocker.

Cellophane flowers of yellow and blue, these Accers are Morecambe in disguise… with passes. Well, that's what they are.

They twirled their batons and high-kicked down the street behind the band, but that's all they had. There was no bite, no devilment. Town were ripe for ripping, but the Stanley Stairlifters huffed and puffed and fluffed every moment. They ran the game but ran into cul-de-sacs and ran out of ideas. They looked like they didn't believe they could score, let alone win.

Very much lower 12th if they don't stop being so darn pretty to look at and pleasant to invite around for tea. Inoffensive in every respect, but you could see how they could creep up on us all in the spring.

I guess that's why they call it the boxing day blues.

Mr R Joyce (Cleveland)

It was good of the Football League to send us our very own pet pantomime villain to divert us from the dreariness. The raspberry fool reverted to type: wilfully avoiding a decision to award a penalty, or to send someone off, but mightily willing to annoy us shape-keeping monochromers between the penalty areas. He's messin' wiv Bogle's brain, man!

Let us be positive, for when push came to shove he would make the correct decision to avoid appearing on You've Been De-famed. A straight 5.0000, it's Ross Joyce after all. Behind you!

Yellow pill, blue pill, blue pill, yellow pill. Have a humbug.

In a word: cheesy