Cod Almighty | Diary
Trump? The USA have had problems ever since they made Gavin Rossdale and Bush wealthy but ignored Oasis
21 February 2017
Wicklow Diary writes: "No one is getting too excited after Saturday," chirps Marcus Bignot midway through a Telegraph interview in which he urges players and fans to dream of the play-offs and promotion. And while you're at the bar, the Champions League and whatever you're having yourself.
Amazing what your first win in five games can do for confidence. This type of inflated talk is of course not the same as Mike Lyons' big talk in 1987. True, Lyons too had just offloaded his best player as part of his promotion masterplan, but relax. We broke the 'year ending in seven' hex responsible for the relegations of '76-77, '86-87 and '96-97 by surviving 2006-07. Mind you, I only attributed beating the hoodoo that season to us never being incompetent enough to be relegated from the league.
So Lincoln have a trip to a capital penthouse on the weekend that we rough it at the Orient. Just as Scunny did last year when we had to play one of the London clubs beginning in 'w' and ending in 'ing', I can never remember which. Did you watch the Sutton v Arsenal game last night? All felt a bit spivvy and touched by the putrid hand of Murdoch by the end. Beforehand, Lincoln's magnificent run gave the game a weird atmosphere of anything is possible. Like upsets could be somehow contagious. In the end, we were reminded that the rules of giant-killing are similar to that of the watched kettle. And the BBC reminded us that they haven't got a clue how to cover football any more.
It wasn't just the commentators who patronised throughout the alien life forms who play and support football outside the Premier League. Or codswallop like telling us how difficult the perfectly flat and true pitch would be for the £100k/week Arses to adjust to. It was the fact that they didn't show footage of the world's worst streaker (he left his pants on, a complete betrayal of the noble streaking trade) but did show a Sutton player with his todger out in the dressing rooms after the game that summed them up best.
The insurmountable and impossible of last night's game segues nicely into the news that there's another blinking stadium pdf out. The worst bit about these reports is they've got a Russian doll thing going on. Each one seems to repeat large chunks of previous reports. Tedious doesn't begin to describe the exercise of trying to find useful new knowledge in them. Anyone familiar with Asterix? No, not some new cup sponsor but the French comic. This stadium lark is feeling like The Place that Sends You Mad.
They have given us another name to pin to our evidence board. Ryden are the quantity surveyors and we can draw a line with a question mark between them and the guy Fenty took to the Golden Arches for a milkshake. An obvious addition to the report is that Pleasure Island was put through the assessment process and received 29 points. That made it this week's highest new entry to the charts at a pop-tastic number 7. This leaves it four spots below non-mover Peaks Parkway by John Fenty and The Benigns and your number one for the fourth consecutive report, Garth Lane by Dockside Dreamers.
In there somewhere amid the begging letters grant requests to several lottery/sports council type thingiess, there is a bottom line that we need £25–30million to build the stadium, depending on the success of the grant requests. This confused me – I thought the plan was to swipe the land off the council by repeatedly saying C-O-M-M-U-N-I-T-Y very slowly and loudly in a 'Basil Fawlty speaking to foreigners' voice. Then Extreme can make like bandits by flogging houses with optional fitted kitchens, loft conversions and back garden snowboard ramps. If they have the cash and space left over they'll plonk a stadium somewhere. Just not too close to the crematorium or cemetery. That's bad PR and messy for the foundations.
So now where are we? Is it still the above scenario? Or will Extreme take equity in the club? Will we borrow a shedload from the bank and get our great grandchildren to pay for the ground? Best thing to do is wait for an announcement from bandleader Fentz or for one of the diarists to do a forensic examination. Not me – the kids are on half term and I did the last one.
Perhaps one of those annoyingly good new diarists will volunteer. Marcus take note, it is possible to make seamless mid-season changes. No messing with the CA formation: 4-4-2 and that's the way we like it. I just want to know when the new backroom staff are due to start – my typewriter needs a service.
Dates! Dates! The Football League has announced the key dates for the rest of the year. Including the 2017-18 season. If Marcus the Dreamer has his way, our final game of the season will be at The BP South on the Monday 28 May. Included in the announcement is the news that the EFL Cup has a new new new new name; Carabao. Something to do with a horny animal. It's a poor man's Red Bull or something. Or a Thai rock band. Look, Google it, that's I'm doing. Sponsors ending in two vowels are a big no-no. A NO-NO. Be thankful they weren't around back in the day. No one would want to remember taking Wolves to a second replay in the quarter final of the Carabao Cup.
No word on the CheekyWotNot Trophy format. They'll no doubt cook up something nutty for that in the League golf trip to Portugal at the end of the season. "Hey Shaun, how about sand bunkers and water hazards around the pitch for EFL games, add a bit of danger?". "Mmm put that in the maybe list, perhaps we can get Newport to trial it on their pitch".
If you've been on the official site you'll also notice that the club and trust have lined up John Fenty and Marcus Bignot for a "fan's forum" on 9 March. The identity of the lucky fan is yet to be announced.
I opened with Marcus, so let's close with him too. Officially we have a reserve game against Mansfield today but MB is viewing it otherwise in preparation for Morecambe on Saturday: "Come down to the BP on Tuesday because there is going to be some players on show. We are going to treat that game just like a first team fixture." Bloody crikey, that's what Mike Lyons used to do too. And then ponder why his squad was all tired and injured. Maybe, it's just a ploy to get bums on seats. If it is, a better idea is just tell us if Steve Evans will be in attendance – the Main Stand will sell out.