Cod Almighty | Diary

Toilets for the taller gentleman

23 June 2017

Devon Diary writes: Yeah, I know we need a defender or two but I'm going to apply the same thinking to this as I do to watching kettles – if we sit and stare, it won't happen today – so I'm ignoring it. Unfortunately there's not much else happening. Liam Wood over at the Grimsby Evening Telegraph has swapped a text or two with Jamey Osborne and managed to fashion an article or two from it. 

At Cod Almighty Towers, we've been wondering if there is another team which we don't really mind at all; another club which we might actually admire. In order to identify this mythical creature, we are asking you to first let us know which clubs you have a niggle with. By collating a list all of those clubs that at least one of us despises, then surely the clubs that are left are the ones we are perfectly happy to coexist with, right? Long-winded? Yes. Likely to give us all a laugh or two on a Friday? Certainly.

The rules are simple.

1) We're going to concentrate on the first five tiers of English football, or this will get a little out of hand. (Wicklow wanted to nominate Brazil!)

2) Simply stating a team is not enough; we want rationale. Tell us why your hackles are rising. Whatever the reason, however stupid or trivial it might seem, we promise not to take the piss. 

Tweet us, comment on Facebook or drop us a line here and let us know who you have a chip on your shoulder about; which teams really piss you off.

To start things off, I asked a few of my fellow diarists which teams they would nominate.

Middle-Aged Diary's dislike of Hull can be traced back to a friend of his mum leading her astray and coercing her into an affection for the Tigers. Simply not on.

Original/Regular Diary's loathing of Wigan goes back further than them having the audacity (and cash) to buy Omar. "They've been in the league even less time than Scunny. No history and not much identity beyond being no more than a vanity project for another unpleasant, rich old man. Even when they were good the locals weren't arsed. They sang, "who are ya?" when they were two divisions above Town and we knocked them out of the League Cup. And they're still better than us. This is Fleetwood in another ten years."

Wicklow plumped for Stoke: "All their fans seemed to be looking for a scrap when I was there and they thumped us twice in 1987." 

Miss Guest Diary has an irrational dislike of Macclesfield which she can't explain. Oh yes, that's because it's irrational.

Mardy Diary said: "Grimsby wind me up. Absolute cunts. Especially the fans." Quite.

Ace match reporter Tony Butcher put some real thought into this. "It isn't really teams I dislike, more the individuals connected to those clubs. Boston were absolutely detestable until they weren't, which coincided with Steve Evans (and his entourage) leaving. And now Mansfield are detestable. Ditto Cambridge under John Beck, anyone under Barry Fry (good point, Tony; for this I'm including Peterborough) or Harry Wobbleneck."

More? "I can't stand Crystal Palace because of their ground and where it is in London. It's annoying to get to, annoying to be inside; either at the supermarket end where the male toilets have a roof rake that makes life difficult for men over 5 foot 6 inches, let alone over six foot, or on the ropey side."

It's like a match report, this, isn't it (although with fewer prog rock references). "Stevenage have terrible shorts, a dreadful ground, appalling organisation and are all-round annoying for existing in the same league as us. Maybe Forest Green for being a figment of someone else's imagination. They don't really exist, do they? It's like entering Brigadoon when you ascend the misty hillock. But these are very small clubs who have risen from the depths of nowhere and so it does seem a little churlish to have a go at them. It isn't dislike so much as a series of mild irritations at the moment. When we aren't in the same division, why would I care enough about them to actively dislike them?"

Southampton, for being so utterly stupid as to sack their manager after finishing eighth last season. Unbelievable

You're right, Tony, but these things do escalate so these are all valid. I second your nomination of Forest Green for being stupid enough to dump their traditional black and white stripes in favour of lime green.

Oh, you hadn't finished. "I suppose I enjoy Sunderland's misfortunes. And Newcastle. Their fans (generally) are far too much up themselves, being without sufficient humility to remember that they were bottom feeders not so long ago. Leeds and Hull, but there is no irrationality there, only good common sense (and that from a pre-teen Leeds follower via Match of the Day. It's Peter Lorimer's fault as he was my favourite player as a five-year-old for having the hardest shot in football. I grew out of such things)". No need to explain, Tony. I had a poster of Kevin Keegan in Southampton kit on my wall as a kid. I won it in a competition when buying school shoes.

And that reminds me to nominate the Saints for being so utterly stupid as to sack their manager after finishing eighth last season. Unbelievable. 

Tony emailed again with: "I didn't mention Milton Keynes, but some things don't need saying." No need to – the Bastard Franchise Scum are on the list of every right-minded fan in the country. 

Retro Diary (him from when Friday diaries were still good) despatched a pigeon from whichever field he is stuck in to offer this:

"Moaning about other teams is usually right up my street. Suffice to say (Reggie Perrin-style rant coming up) that I dislike teams:

• who shouldn't even exist;
• whose fans are 90% glory seekers;
• who have ever sent us down;
• who nick your manager or best players;
• who think they're your rivals even though they've hardly ever got out of the fourth division;
• who change their colours to something completely different;
• who move to a stadium smaller than the one they're already in;
• who have a fat centre forward;
• who surround the ref at the merest hint of physical contact;
• who have a kit which contains both red and blue;
• who have ever had a plastic pitch;
• who don't give you enough tickets when you want to take over their ground;
• who play in hoops (a rugby kit);
• who play in yellow (an away kit) at home;
• whose fans think a funny accent makes them the home of football;
• who have ever employed Barry Fry;
• or Neil Warnock;
• whose announcer tries to be funny;
• who have ever had far right fans because they play in white;
• whose fans can't see the problem with travelling 200 miles to get to your town then singing that it's a shithole in the first minute;
• whose mascot is a duck;
• and finally, of course, any team who isn't Town."

Phew. Feel free to fill in the blanks or use Retro's points to tip you over the edge.

Got it? Right, go on then, get angry and tell us all about it.