Cod Almighty | Article

by Rich Mills

21 November 2018

Welcome to Cod Almighty's guide to modern football. Are you baffled by modern life? What are the kids going on about? 

This is by no means a complete list and your input is both welcomed and essential. Drop us a line to suggest edits and new entries.

 

Park the bus

Pejorative term for the way in which a visiting team plays well defensively, avoiding conceding a goal. Often used to cover up the home team's lack of attacking guile; eg. The Mariners were left frustrated after Boreham Wood came and parked the bus at Blundell Park in a 0-0 draw.

FIFA 

Video game subject to annual iterations in order that gullible fans buy the same thing over and over in order to check the ratings of their favourite clubs' latest players. An alternative pastime to kicking a ball about in the park.

FIFA player ratings

How the effectiveness of a new signing is assessed by fans of modern football, rather than actually going to see him play. 

Fan engagement

No, me neither.

Loyalty

A quality which seems to be lacking in modern footballers, many of whom would prefer to prioritise job stability and supporting their families over taking a poorly paid, short-term contract at a club with the best fans in the world. 

Legend

Any former player for one's favoured team. Often Hashtagged for emphasis; eg. Jamille Antonio Matt is a #legend

Worst Player Ever To Wear The Shirt

Any player who leaves for a rival team without praising the great fans who have lambasted him for the duration of his time at the club.

Note that the difference between being a #legend and the worst player ever to wear the shirt might be little more than a tactical tweet upon leaving the club.

Stealing a wage

Accusation levelled at any player deemed by fans as not good enough for one's club (maybe even The Worst Player Ever To Wear The Shirt), or perhaps even a player sidelined with an injury. 

Baller

Footballer with tekkers. 

Tekkers

Showboating skills performed in the latter stages of a football matche in the hope of upping a player's FIFA ratings or achieving Instagram likes. Back in the day, any centre half worth his salt would have rightly kicked a player displaying tekkers into the stands.

Quality (lack of)

Characteristic used for blaming players and manager for a defeat, rather than simply accepting one's side were beaten by the better team; eg. We lacked quality in the final third.

Unit

Defender or striker with plenty of experience, although age and gravity is now catching up with him. 

Professional

One who earns a living from playing football.

Was professional

Cheated, probably by diving

Naive

Honest. Doesn't cheat by diving; eg. he naively stayed on his feet, trying to get a shot on goal. 

Snub

To turn down or reject. A player or manager can no longer simply turn down a contract offer, instead he will "snub a move," perhaps unknowingly. 

Used by pundits and journalists to rile supporters. It doesn't take much.

Jeff Stelling

Dickie Davies

Futsal

A variant of 6-a-side, played with a sort of flat ball and no walls. Cup competitions are played over the course of an afternoon, often against sides from the same club.

Buzzin'

Expression of fake euphoria at some wearisome development; eg. I'm buzzin' that our game will be played at noon on a Sunday in order to fit with TV schedules! 

Scenes

Celebrations following a goal or win; eg. After the goal it was absolute scenes, mate!

Limbs

Excessive celebrations of a goal (or a teenage fan getting served at half time). Scenes are elevated to limbs when beer is thrown and there is some certainty of video evidence being posted on social media.

Many thanks to Peter Anderson, Pat Bell, Pete Green and Mark Shepherd for their contributions. Absolute #legends.