Cod Almighty | Diary

The most boring day in the football calendar

31 January 2019

Well, it's finally arrived. The day every armchair, post-92 Sky-Sports watching Premier League fan has been waiting for since new year's day. Transfer deadline day.

Casual Diary hates it with a passion. If they were going to change the transfer system at all, from the tried and trusted 'buy who you like, when you like', I'd have made it no signings once the season has started. That way we would not have to endure the usual guff served up by TV and fans alike and the concern that your best player will be poached. All the twitterati comics will be tweeting how shit [insert your club's perceived best player] is or how [insert club scapegoat] is better than Messi.

Jeff, Merse, Phil and co will be full of insight and wit all day, while a succession of freezing, bored-looking local correspondents will stand outside every top flight club's training HQ, trying to make the mundane more entertaining than the divs in the background with various parts exposed. On Radio 5 Live the ever-matey Chappers will be hosting Chris Sutton being deliberately and contrivingly controversial while Sav and Phil tell entertaining anecdotes about the time Sav agreed to sign for someone but then refused to play because a more convenient club came in at the very last minute.

Meanwhile Town fans will miss it all. In a stroke of genius, the Mariners Trust has torn our devotees away from Jeff et al, and criticising players we haven't yet signed on social media, to attend a Q&A with Michael and Ant. The obvious pre-session talking point is will Michael wear a suit? If he does, is this suitable attire for a fans' Q&A (no pun intended)?

I won't be attending. While I would never miss a chance to hold our current board to account, the chance to quiz managers or players has never floated my boat. I will leave aside the timing, the suggestion that maybe the panel members' time would be better spent scanning wherever it is you scan to unearth that rough diamond. Or, more entertainingly, taking that call enquiring after one of our fringe players only to end up buying the caller's unwanted genius and providing us with our own Cantona moment.

The point is there is no point. The fans' forum will be as bland as the deadline-day drivel churned out by the mainstream media; and I wouldn’t even want it to be anything else

My reservation is this: what do we expect the duo to say?

"Are you happy with your signings?"

"Yes, but we are always on the lookout etc etc."

What else could they answer? "No, they're absolute dogshite, but Fenty is such a tight arse we had no chance of signing anyone decent."

The point is there is no point. It will, by necessity, be as bland as the deadline-day drivel churned out by the mainstream media; and I wouldn’t even want it to be anything else. I hope the duo won't be as touchy as Russell Slade when a fan had the audacity to question his judgement regarding Shaun Pearson. As the night will definitely lack the hostility of that particular night, I doubt they will. Still, it fits the communication narrative and if it's your thing then I hope you have a good night.

I won't bother speculating on who we may buy or who will unexpectedly leave as I simply don't have a clue. Transfers, like the appointment of managers, are always impossible to call. I doubt there were many Town fans who were not underwhelmed when they looked at Podge Amond's stats; I know I was. In contrast, when Town signed Phil Hubbard back in the 1970s most were enthused but he never quite lived up to the level of expectation. He was undoubtedly hampered by following Matt Tees: in 50 years of watching Town he is the only player who put genuine numbers on the gate when he signed. I couldn't wait to see him.

Whatever happens today, let’s hope we lose no-one we hope to keep, especially to bloody Donny or the untrustworthy Peterborough. And that Michael is able to enlighten those in attendance at the Q&A as to exactly why he's brought X to the club, and that he proves to be the final cog which makes the engine purr.

I'll leave you with an old story but it's a favourite of mine. In the 1980s, when the Grimsby Telegraph was still a paper that had today's news, the evening story was a promise that Town were about to sign what the chairman of the board called "a household name". Cynical Town fans immediately decided it was Joe Domestos. Not much changes.

UTM