Cod Almighty | Diary

Suddenly, nothing happened. But it happened suddenly

5 March 2019

Grimsby Town has been rocked by the news that there is no news.

The editor of the Grimsby Telegraph ordered its sports reporter to change his name by deed poll to James Find(somebloodynews)now then packed him off to Cheapside. He reports that everything is happening pretty much as you'd expect on a Tuesday, although the reserves do have what is being described as a "must play" game (if the stiffs are to fulfill all their fixtures this season) at Blundell Park this afternoon. Against Mansfield. Again.

Naturally, the Fishy has gone into overload. The thread "Quiet, isn't it?" is now 13 pages long and debating Brexit and immigration policy.

There has been a mixed response from Town fans on social media. @InJolleyWeTrust has tweeted that "This time last year we'd have given our right arms for a quiet Tuesday afternoon like this. It just shows how far we have come. #allTownarentwe #inJolleywetrust". However @sullyingthenameofaTownLegend is angry: "When are #gtfc fans going to wake up to the fact the club is going nowhere under Jolley? #InSolskjaerwetrust".

There are calls for balance and perspective, but largely from people who are unbalanced and myopic. Nick Cleggonsteroids says "Last week everyone was saying there is too much news. Now the same people are moaning there is not enough. It only goes to prove that I am the only sane, rational person in North East Lincolnshire, so I'm declaring martial law. From now on, it is only legal to drive along Grimsby Road by keeping strictly to the dashed white lines."

The club has issued a statement. It doesn't make a lot of sense but it contains the terms "Football fortune", "ITV Digital" and "Custodian", so if you have been playing board statement bingo, be sure to take your completed cards to the club shop to claim your free GTFC furry dice.

Cod Almighty are delighted at this state of lack of affairs. They are well into the tenth paragraph of a supposedly topical article comparing the roles of central midfield players in the first and second Buckley periods. Each paragraph contains a concealed cryptic crossword clue to which the solution is "The church of the third coming of Paul Groves."

Over and out.