Cod Almighty | Match Report

by Tony Butcher

22 January 2013

Grimsby Town 2 Hyde 0

A biting wind roiled down the pitch towards and across Pontoon, while eleven Hyders hid in the Osmond and out sang the triple-sockers and double-glovers.

Town lined up in a 4-4-2 formation as follows: Fleming, Hatton , Miller, Pearson, Wood, Colbeck, Disley, Niven, Devitt, Hannah and Brodie. The substitutes were Ford, Thanoj, Cook, Artus and Southwell.

Hyde emerged in a computer-generated kit: yellow shirts with red swishes across the shoulder. Very fetching, or wretching. Are you watching?

First half: When the wind blows
Town kicked off towards the Osmond with a woeful Hatton slice into the Frozen Food Stand. This is the way of things.

Them. Them again and again and again, push-me-pull-me twiddle-dee-dee me. Very elegant, very swish; where's the beef? A free kick centrally right - Jevons coiled, Fleming slip-slopped off his nose and caught the ball behind his head. A shot deflected off Miller and spun nearly behind for corner, but didn't. Is that a Fleming save? Let's say so. So!

The wind, the kicks, the slices; Niven walloped over the scoreboard.

A long shot dribble-flitted across the chin of the goal, going safely wide, but Fleming dived anyway. Something to do I suppose. There are no more moments for them, just things they'll find in the windmills of their mind.

Colbeck rolled a corner to Devitt at the near post, who miskicked, setting up a counterattack which went nowhere. Town accidented a corner as Devitt dinked delightfully to Brodie, who rolled feebly as Hannah awaited.

Wood, the mellifluous Wood, with two pinpoint crossfield passes, blocks and dinks, the man of the moment, the only man in stripes, our best player in all eleven positions! Wood switched infield and dripped a swirler that drifted across the keeper's personal space and just wide. Would that everyone had been like Wood.

Disley - incapable of standing up, incapable of passing, incapable of controlling the ball - smurgled wide after a corner. Brodie, a static roamer without substance. Devitt a brittle spindle of sticks and twigs, snapping in the cold. It was all a dishevelled mess, outwitted and outpassed, relying on the defence again. Town were totally terrible. Truly.

Second half: Of nods and cookie monsters
Neither team made any changes at half time

Hannah offside. Hannah offside. Hannah offside. Hannah. He was offside.

We saw this before, about an hour ago, save for Hannah's foot licking the keeper's head, to the disgruntlement of the keeper's nose and his centre-backs' sense of justice. He hadn't made a save yet.

Upon nearing the hour Niven and Brodie were replaced by Thanoj and Cook. Instantaneous improvement: crowd happy.

Andy Cook, Andy Cook, Andy-Andy Cook. When he gets the ball he does considerably better than you, Brodie. Andy-Andy Cook. Hey, catchy tune.

Cook winning headers, Cook holding the ball and passing, Disley suddenly capable of things, like a walk in the park. Cook turned over the rainbow after a corner. Cook flick-headed, Hannah was free but sliced into the Pontoon. Blame the groundsman for the stray divot, not Devitt.

Devitt? The jovial jigger cut in and slashed out of the ground, then cut and curled a curler that didn't curl. A pop-o-matic booking followed as he legged up a Hyderman without subtlety. Town attacks, getting faster. Wingers starting to wing, not whinge. Devitt drank upon the well of human kindness to slurp Colbeck free, who slashed and the keeper turned away. Colbeck, the new enigma, cornering dreadfully, crossing badly at the double.

Wood strode forward and beautifully weighted a pass inside the full-back. Devitt hared on and jigged his Oirish legs into a whirl, sending the full-back into the burger queue and rolled a pass into the near post. Disley, two yards out, shin-mangled a slidey poke which crawled with a haughty laugh over the crossbar. The Dizzer had missed the impossible miss.

Wo-ho, it's that man again - Wood brilliantly crinkled a crossfield dink which was superbly toe-controlled by Colbeck, whose cross... neared a Townite.

During the last 15 minutes Hyde wilted like spinach as Town suddenly started to get up close and personal. Hyde dissolved, passing the ball out of play and generally falling over.

Jevons was substituted, given some muffled applause for his past sins in stripes. You must remember that 35-yard millstone round his neck.

Southwell replaced Hannah. What a catalyst he turned out to be!

Wood barundled forward, diverted by the full-back, hassled the full-back into a panic-slap straight back to Devitt, who looked up and carefully caressed a dropper into the centre of the penalty area. The keeper rushed out. Cook arose and majestically steered a header into the centre of the goal.

They had a couple of corners which came from Hatton sloppiness. Nothing to worry about.

And at the last of the four added minutes Wood beat his chest and roared a clearance. Southwell sniggled down the right, cranked up the engine and let Cook ride off on his jalopy. The yellow lorries were slow and had nowhere to go as Cook careered into the 'D', dragging a low, slow shot back across the keeper and into the very bottom right corner.

That, my friends, was that. Turned out right in the end.