Cod Almighty | Diary
Spleens will be vented
13 September 2019
Little could’ve matched my delight the moment I discovered what 'the offing' actually is. James McKeown’s penalty save on Tuesday night came close. But I was following the match on Twitter, so the moment wasn’t quite as euphoric as it would’ve been for those in the ground, who’d witnessed the 90 minutes of missed chances – and Matt Green’s penalty – that had come before it.
'The offing' is an appropriately nautical term that represents the more distant part of the sea – not quite the horizon, but nothing close to shore. Chelsea, of course, are in the offing. The opportunity for our lads to take on Frank Lampard’s little brats in a crumbling cup competition is still romantic enough to leave us fans a little misty-eyed, while Steve Wraith’s eyes were positively bazookering out of his sockets to the noise of a 1920s car horn and morphing into pound signs when McKeown parried away that decisive spot kick. And who can blame him, eh? A bit more wonga to boost the coffers, as the red-tops might phrase it.
After that shoot-out win I found some out-of-date cooked meat at the back of our fridge. It was old ham. Great, that’s the linking line done – let’s talk about Town’s game tomorrow.
The Latics have started this season in almost exactly the same fashion as we ended the last. Chris Eagles – known to most football fans as the lad who started out at Manu, but to my mate as ‘the bloke with the greasiest hair in the entire football kingdom’ – is in among their ranks, as is former Middlesbrough and Bolton centre-back David 'The Chin' Wheater. He’s scored two of Oldham’s five league goals this season, so I’m sure he’ll enjoy his tussle with player of the month James Hanson.
Nothing makes the sphincter of your West Yorkshire Diary contract tighter than when the tremendously new and utterly superb official site describes the referee for Town’s upcoming game as a "new man in the middle". Sam Purkiss has only officiated four matches in the Football League previously, and his most recent experience comes from the Conference. In essence, that means Hanson’s shirt will have to be ripped off his back before he gets a free kick, while he’ll probably get a yellow card for leaning his shoulder into his captor while attempting to get on the end of a long punt. Spleens will be vented, I’m sure.
Oldham, you may remember, did the double over us last season. Boundary Park was the setting for Michael Jolley’s big falling-out with Wes Thomas, after the top scorer put in a performance so languid it made my Saturday nights sat on the couch stuffing my face with chocolate and playing Football Manager look positively energetic. Our squad might not be brimming with pace but I can’t think of one player who looks likely to not give a shit when he crosses that white line just before 3pm tomorrow.
The pessimist in me – who’s been living rent-free for about 25 years – is anticipating another one of those 'bitty' away matches, where neither side gets going, it’s 0-0 at half time and either a bit of genius or stupidity – from the players or the referee – wins (or loses) us the match. With Chelsea in the offing, it’s just human instinct to protect yourself a little bit. James Hanson didn’t fare too badly the last time he played at Stamford Bridge, and, according to the totally reliable Wikipedia, Ludwig Öhman was once linked with a move to the Blues, back in 2013, so he’ll be keen to show them what they missed out on.
Knowing Ludwig, though, given a 50/50 situation at Boundary Park, he’ll be putting his head in where it hurts – even if it’d be more sensible to lead with his foot.
It’s been 22 years since we last beat Oldham in the league. Since then, we’ve played them six times, lost five of them (to nil) and conceded 18 goals. But looking at our entire head-to-head record since our very first meeting in 1907, it’s much more even, with 27 wins apiece and 12 draws. Let’s edge one ahead of them with a victory tomorrow (and finally put that horrible 6-0 defeat from February 2004 to bed). UTM!