Cod Almighty | Diary

One day we'll hug coughing strangers in the Pontoon again. Or not

16 April 2020

Bottom-of-the-barrel diary writes:

Oh dear.

Hello? Is anyone reading?

Writing a CA diary these days feels like dropping a pebble into my garden pond and hoping the ripples reach the River Freshney. Did that make sense? Well, if you fancy analysing it, you could fill a few minutes that would otherwise be spent watching the washing machine go round.

My last diary received the following feedback, delivered in person, from a reader. "It’s supposed to be about football, you donut." I’d like to thank that reader for his input. Bill.

So, football. One thing I’ve finally realised – being a bit slow on the uptake – is that "experts" are the same as the rest of us. There are optimists, pessimists, dreamers, schemers and erm... seamers, all of whom can look at the same information and draw different conclusions. For every Eeyore telling us life will never be the same again and the chances of anyone kicking a football ever again are slim, there is a Tigger telling us it’ll all be over soon and we can go back to hugging coughing strangers in the Pontoon again.

Where the truth lies we will, God willing, finally find out – but I am – as many have gone to great lengths to point out – not Mystic Meg. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I suspect this season will be finished in the Autumn, then there’ll be a short season without any cup games. So there you are. After telling you I'm not Mystic Meg, I dive right in and give you a forecast that will very probably be wrong, therefore proving me and the Megomaniac actually have a lot in common after all. And we've never been seen in the same room together. Think about it.

Did you know that there are professional singers called Paul Agnew and Paul Groves?

If you wanted to, you could find out how Matt Green is coping in lockdown thanks to a video released by the club. After two attempts to access it, both of which froze my I-pad, I decided I didn't care. After all, it's hardly going to be Hollywood Babylon is it?

BREAKING – According to a page called "Fan Banter" (me neither), Town have the fourth largest away following in the fourth division thus far this season. Number one is... Plymouth? What? Plymouth? Are you serious? If you live in Plymouth it takes you two days to reach the next village. That’s impressive. Well done, Plymouth. But you’re still not as brilliant as we are because: reasons. That's all I'm saying. Look, we're great and you're not. Shut up about it.

So, yes, I think that – such as it was - is it. You can go back to seeing if your own hair is edible or colouring in Town programmes from the 1950s or whatever it was you were doing before you came here.

Listen to the Tiggers, though. You’ll be happier.