Cod Almighty | Diary

Warning: this diary contains frequent language throughout

10 August 2020

Ah, the rhythm of your Deviant Diary's summer Sundays: wake up to wall-to-wall Columbo, snoozy county cricket in the afternoon, next door’s dim cross-eyed cat attacking my trowel, Songs of Flog It at tea time and Town's manager {insert new name every 18 months} proclaims the players have never been fitter.

Yes, Town's odds and sods have "hit the ground running" during this Brigadoon of a pre-season, as have The GT with their pre-season clichés. After the Hollow One's special run© Elliot Hewitt, our half-forgotten occasional space filler, is asserted to be two stone lighter. He was only 11st 8lbs anyway. Elliot lad, we're worried for you as, according the NHS:

You are in the healthy weight range, but at the lower end. Keep an eye on your weight and try to stay in the healthy range. There may be an underlying medical cause for your weight, or your diet may not be providing you with enough calories. We suggest you discuss this with your GP.

Perhaps he's been on the Special Stuff over lockdown?

Elsewhere in Royston Vasey, a tree fell in Weelsby Woods, the Daily Fume is Kafka's car park behind Wellowgate, and the James Joyce of local journalism describes a delightful vignette of local life down Wellington Street. This is England: the nation of warm beer, dog lovers and pool fillers watching old maids bicycling.

Oh the humanity.

Don't forget that today's the day before tomorrow, when we finally find out whether insolvent Macclesfield or insolent Stevenage are cast into the netherworld of the National League, where they may never reach the white cliffs of Dover. How many times does it have to be pointed out – no income means no football clubs.

Let's talk about moral duty, it's all the rage, so let's rage: implement the Premier League Robin Hood Levy right here, right now. They've money to burn. Nathan Ake's transfer fee alone would pay for the entire fourth division's (newly-capped) wages, all the Covid-19 costs and still have £2m left. Now that is something to seethe about, John.

Oh, just one more thing: whatever happened to Rat of The Week?