Cod Almighty | Diary

All my happiness is gone

9 December 2020

BOTB Diary writes: Is there a vaccine for perpetual disappointment?

The Wednesday diary, which is now regularly written with its head in its hands, is not going to be any more cheerful this week. It's foggy and freezing out, the Mighties have once again managed to pick up zero points for their endeavours, and if nothing changes relegation looms.

Incidentally, how bad must Southend be? Six points? In this league?

Actually I feel a bit fraudulent. Tuesday nights are not good for my viewing schedule and my views on Town are coming from highlights, which can be misleading. Last night we seemed to lose to two freakish goals - a mad deflection of the kind we never get, and a bizarre penalty which Rose gave away by suddenly breaking into the Saturday Night Fever dance at an inopportune moment. Yes, they hit the woodwork, but so did we. They aren't made of wood any more, are they?

Are they?

And they were top of the table. Those who watched the entire match assure me that they and say, Juventus, had little in common. In this league a lot of games seem to be decided by Brownian motion principles - its basically a game of pinball and whether the ball drops through your paddles into the abyss is often down to luck and not skill. I can sense my metaphors becoming confused there. I'll move on once I've made my point, which is that with little to choose between most sides a run of good fortune can earn you some points, so wear your lucky underpants, people.

Oliver "Ollie" Olliway's post-match interview troubled a few of the hardcore, though I've always though these interviews are not intended for the fans so much as the players and the manager himself. If he thinks his team lacks confidence, he will say they played well irrespective of whether or not they did. He knows he can't keep the players in the dressing room for 45 minutes building up their self-esteem, then go on the radio and tell the world his team is a steaming football dungheap. Some footballers aren't naturally potential Question Time panellists but even they can listen to their own manager being interviewed and notice any glaring inconsistencies. Also after 90 minutes of jumping about on a touchline wearing a very heavy hat, he's going to be tired and emotional and still marshalling his own thoughts rather than making a Powerpoint presentation with slides, pie charts and plans "going forward".

Still, please stop this playing out from the back nonsense, Ollie. I love it when teams play that way against us, which should tell you something. 

Isn't it awful how quickly mad shit becomes normal? People wearing masks in the street, families having to get permission from the government before shaking hands with each other and football games played in front of echoing, ghostly stadia now seem barely worthy of a mention. But I'll say it again - crowds are part of football. This is not a normal season, this is not normal football, this is a freakish nonsense. If we end up descending once more into the abyss in this season we can count ourselves unlucky.

I like to blame John Fenty for everything, of course - I'm suspicious he may have been eating bats in Wuhan last January, for example, and I think he may have something to do with today's fog and the disappearance of Lord Lucan - but if a second Ultimate Relegation Disgrace appears on his CV I will have a tiny bit of sympathy. Only a tiny bit mind. I've not gone soft.

On Saturday we "go again" as people like to say these days. How that's different from "play again" I'm not sure, but it does sound a bit more emphatic I suppose. Right. To the pants drawer: do your stuff, Mr Luckyboxers!