Cod Almighty | Diary
Heave ho, down below, we go
21 April 2021
Bugger.
Well, that's that. Yes, it is still mathematically possible for us to survive, but it is also mathematically possible to guess exactly how many hairs were in Tony Rees's moustache. Possible, but exceedingly unlikely. Incidentally, it is possible to guess how many hairs were in Gary Childs's moustache. Seven.
Sadly this tragic day for GTFC has fallen for me, BOTB Diary, to document. Famously the most lightweight of the diarists, I'm normally brought in to discuss such matters as who pinched Dave Gilbert’s shovel, or ask if there is ever an opposition defender called Mark who had to mark Trevor Whymark, and if it was asked why Mark should mark Trevor Whymark and why shouldn’t his mate Trevor mark Trevor Whymark because Mark was marking Mark Lever, but Trevor said why mark Mark Lever because he always heads into touch anyway.
Which reminds me of one of those incidents I found very funny but you probably won't. Shortly after the first lockdown ended, my mate Dean turned up to play having clearly not shaved for three months. When our team won a corner, one of their defenders was barking out instructions. He looked at Dean and shouted "Someone mark..." and after spending a few seconds searching for the correct descriptor, ended up with "Someone mark... beard!"
Perhaps you had to be there.
Male facial hair has featured in this diary more than I planned. If anything, it's a distraction technique to avoid the main topic of the day. I only watched the highlights from last night but it was clear that Morecambe, tinpot nonentities though they are and always will be, were better than us. Even if we had somehow drawn, which with a fit Coke was a possibility, we would still have been pretty much down since Colchester have suddenly become an unstoppable victory machine. Many teams seem to have appeared in that third from bottom area only to suddenly pull themselves together and become any good again. Scunthorpe, Barrow, Colchester, Port Vale and Walsall all looked like they might be dragged in to the relegation whirlpool and all waved happily at us before swimming gaily away to safety. It's going to be ourselves and Southend, just as it looked three months ago.
Sometimes football isn't a funny old game.
As I mentioned last week, we deserve to go down. Any club that starts a season with Fenty and Holloway in positions of power is already gasping for air. Holloway receives a lot of abuse from Town fans, and rightly so, but one thing rarely mentioned is that when he arrived he tried to tell the fans what we could or could not sing. This was sparked, if I recall correctly, which I usually don't, by us telling an opposition manager he was getting sacked in the morning. That should have been a massive red flag. I remember wondering at the time what species of plank would turn up to a football club and tell the fans what they were allowed to sing, but we were seduced by the possibility of not being shit and he got an easier ride than he should have done. If you're reading this, Ian, and I know you’re an avid CA devotee who never misses a diary, we’ll sing what we like, you toss-hatted wankbadger.
Most of the blame for this Prince Andrew of a season falls at the feet of Fenty, which I enjoy as a phrase. You could sing it to the tune of Deep in the heart of Texas. Go on, have a go, if you're not too depressed. It might cheer you up. But things are changing. The last two announcements from GTFC, regarding the shirt amnesty and the possibility of us joining the ESL, have shown wit and intelligence, qualities that are to Fenty what clouds are to fish. Grimsby has an image problem and someone who can use the nuances of self-deprecation, honesty and humour in the public sphere will make us more friends, and by God we need them.
When I worked in "dat London", we suffered an office manager who insisted on sending letters to the staff headed with the words "to all personal". This provoked a similar emotion to being a Town fan under Fenty's reign. How did this idiot take charge? How did he become the public face of my peer group? I left the company with the illiterate manager, but I can't leave GTFC. Whoever runs the club is our PR. Thank god he's going.
I'm not thinking of next season yet. I don't need to, since Division Five (as I like to call it) doesn’t kick off 'til about Christmas, for some reason. One thing that won't be kicking off is the Super League, which was never going to kick off, because these things never do. Instead English football has fought the greedy money men and stood up for pride, tradition and fan power, and is now safely back in the loving arms of the Premier League and Sky. The concept of being a fan of Chelsea or Man Utd and claiming any kind of moral high ground is ridiculous to me, but there you go.
So I don't like tinpot nonentities like Morecambe, and I don't like Premiership giants like Chelsea or Man Utd. Who do I like? Grimsby Town. Always have, always will. We've left the big arena to play in the car park, but that's where I'll be next season, experiencing the same emotions, highing the highs and lowing the lows. That's what I do, that's what we all do. Back in the League by this time next year, I reckon. Cry havoc, and let slip the dogs of war, we go to Wealdstone!