Cod Almighty | Diary

Turn back the clock

20 May 2021

Behold, fellow yoghurt readers, the future is now and your ever-Deviant Diary is here as your Greek chorus. It's all about culture, remember.

It's Day 15 of the New Beginning, but don't forget the past, for the past is the future for amnesiacs. If we want to prevent the return of the Great Grimsby plague we need a public reckoning, a grand enquiry establishing the facts so we learn from the failures. And we really must ensure that history is accurately recorded.

The first part of The Great Chronicles of the Nana have caused a stir; we're already beating back the Hollywood agents to make it into a movie trilogy about the JF Universe. Spielberg's ideas are far too cheesy for Mr Stilton, but Coppola's epic mobster saga has its attractions: "It's your name on that share transfer or I'll blow the bloody doors off this club."

But who would play the anti-hero, the putrid Putin of the Pontoon, the Mouldymort of the Main Stand? Is there an actor out there with the necessary lack of charisma? I know what you're thinking. What about the orange? A sink for the ladies! Topless bathing! So many hits to fit in.

Whoops, sorry, forgot - we're looking forward not back. What have we to look forward to? Whatever it is, it won't contain the Eliot Hewitt rehabilitated right-back, the rejuvenated reserve, the full-back filler. The long-time lightweight makeweight and surprising late lynchpin has decided to continue his slow relegation tour of the East Midlands, seeking the treasure of a hat-trick of failure at those staggering Stags. Clough's making plans for the new season and well, if young Nigel says he's happy, he must be happy in his world.

Mansfield, eh. "What a dump" says the copper kettle.

The question is: "What to do with a hollowed out Grimsby?" We're talkin' 'bout regeneraton.

Petwood and Stockitt want to change the culture but local leader and Fenty flunky, Councillor Forgettable Phil Jackson has dreams of a cultural quarter. He has vision! He sees a new Grimsby arising from the retail ashes.

Yes, we could be as swanky as Swindon if the Wacko Jacko of Waltham has his way. From Peaks Parkway to a new traffic island this bland is your bland. Behold the future: iconic shackery bigged up by hackery from the local press. Multiplex and McDonalds, film and food fodder: the modern day bread and circuses to keep the masses quiet.

How do we rebuild our town and Our Town? Sometimes you have to turn back the clock, for without these memories where is the love?