The Diary

Cod Almighty | Diary

May contain traces of Town news

18 June 2021

BOTB Diary writes: Best keep this diary short, I've got living to do. Oh wait, I can't. I live in Tetney.

England versus Scotland, eh? Actually, I'm looking forward to it. One of the few games at the top level in which a little passion is permitted amongst the hygienic corporate blandness, and what's more a game the eternally hapless England is expected to win. Who can forget Gazza's superb goal against Scotland in the Euros in, hang on... 1996? That can't be right. A quarter of a century ago? Bloody Nora, that's scary.

Gazza's volley was followed by him celebrating like a bellend with his bellend mates, of course, though time has transformed this orgy of bellendery into something iconic and apparently marvellous, darling. The Sun's front page [The link isn't to the Sun, or any other News Corporation source - ed] after the dentist chair whoop-de-do pissmongery that inspired the celebration is a treat, mainly because it shows Teddy Sheringham proving beyond doubt that old-man's-face-with-Herbert-haircut and erotically-charged torn shirt do not mix. Mind you, the Sun having a go at anyone else for being low class is a classic example of a snake eating its own tail.

I've just had a thought: do any of our younger readers have a clue what I'm going on about? In fact, do they ever?

What about buses? Do young people still take buses? Do you know what it's like to make a desperate sprint for a bus only to miss it by a second? Scotland keeper David Marshall knows that feeling very well. When I spend the whole of next season screaming "Get back in your goal, McKeown!" I shall expect looks of respect (and possibly a nod or two) from my fellow fans rather than the usual bemused pity.

Anyway, in a attempt to get the kids onboard, I'm going to talk about the lyrics of the Vapours' 1980 hit Turning Japanese. For some unfathomable reason rarely played these days, the song has always fascinated me; not only did the lead singer have an impossibly tall forehead, suggesting Martian ancestry, but the first verse seemed to me to contain the ne plus ultra of naively benign 1980s racism:

"You wrote I love you,
I ruv you too."

I spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to work out if he said "I love you too" or "I ruv you too." Imagine my surprise when I finally consulted the lyric sheet and found the song actually says:

"You wrote I love you
I wrote me too."

Though listening again I'm not sure. I still think he says "I ruv you too." I've written a letter addressed to "The Man With the Big Forehead, I Think His Name Might be Cliff, The Vapours, The Eighties" to clear things up. Let's see if he replies. He might not, of course, because it is entirely possible that I'm the only person in the world who gives a shit.

Next week I'm going to discuss the line from A Day in the Life where Lennon is supposed to sing "House of Lords" but clearly sings "House of Paul", thus giving oxygen to Paul is Dead conspiracy theorists everywhere from California to Western California. Also, the startling fact that the lady in the Danger! High Voltage video by the Electric Six, Tina Kanarek, was 70 years old when the video was made and her vocal part is performed by Jack White. Plus, something about Nick Drake.

Well, that's all the Grimsby Town news that's fit to print. I'm sure you'll agree it is a comprehensive summary of the goings-on at our beloved club. See you next week! UTM!

BOTB wrote this before the club posted the initial results of the fan survey. We suspect it wouldn't have made much difference if he'd seen them - Eds.