Cod Almighty | Diary

The chances of anything coming from Mars

13 July 2021

The SNOS tour of Cheapside didn't just showcase the refurbished interiors of our training ground's collection of portacabins, it revealed the depth of neglect under the previous owner. In no way a criticism of the tour or the improvements, the fact GTTV is heralding the arrival of basics like a media area, dedicated cardio and weights spaces, and a learning room for trainees further demonstrates what a two-bit operation we were.    

Another trait of that operation was a penchant for 30-something attackers with their best days, if any, behind them. Listening to Martin Gritton and others assess new signing, Joel Grant, Daubney Diary couldn't help but wince at the familiar inclusion of more ifs, buts and maybes than actual goals at his most recent club. June arrival Ryan Taylor came with a simiar set of conditions attached: "Could be good at this level if he can get a run in the side, remain knock-free for the first time in x years and the moon aligns with Venus during the Scott Vernon equinox". 

Fresh off the back of a succesful relegation campaign with the Caveated Cavaliers, James Hanson and Matt Green, no one needs or wants to be reminded that our last non-sarcastic success came with Podge and Omar, not Tyrone Thompson, Stefan Payne, Danny Carlton, Christian Jolley, Greg Pearson, Richard Brodie, Simeon Jackson, Cleveland Taylor or (insert random well-travelled striker from past 20 years). So let's hope that, like the Cheapside portakabins, Grant and Taylor look similar to previous signings from the outside but have a fully functioning set of weights and excellent catering facilities within.

Reassurances have been received from CA's resident Torquay United expert, Devon Diary, that the Gulls were conference goal machines last season with "Dean Moxey, Danny Wright, Asa Hall, Gary Warren all in their thirties. Mind you, all had been playing fairly regularly and hadn't had massive injury problems. Purple monkey dishwasher.". Further counseling came in the form of Middle-Aged Diary's observation that Joel Grant's middle name is Valentino. The Telegraph headlines will almost write themselves, which they may actually already do judging by the botty clickbait nonsense pedaled lately.  

Anyway, what are you doing wasting your time here. We started with mention of a certain two-bit operation and end with one too. Part four of Mark Stilton's epic The Fenty Years is out. Pour yourself a stiff cup of tea and get on it.