Cod Almighty | Diary

I am the lettuce king, I can grow anything

2 August 2021

"Cod Almighty, I presume?"

It's hardly Livingstone and Stanley in Ujiji, but your Deviant Diary's epic, epochal encounter with Chairman Wow in the Hyde Leisure Centre car park passed off without the hint of a lawsuit, or even a midnight ramble on the SNOS, as questions were answered without snip or snark, briefly, factually and cordially.

"Yes, the entrance is down there."

We're here to help.

Hey, I went to see Town play Hyde (away)!

Well, after hearing them and seeing them, the report on the state Town's youthers and reserves is in. Calm down, Mr Purple. Four first teamers and Toll Bar's under-16 team were ground down by some canny Mancs swinging and dodging to gain an edge. Our kiddywinkers couldnae cope with big blokes with big beards, bigger backsides and phony smiles that made Luke Spokes kick it over the stands. Can you handle the truth about the Hyde game? They're young, they're learning, and Skydiving Shorty, the jovial jumper, learned a lot about what they can't do yet.

Friday? Just a hitch, merely a glitch on a plastic pitch. Remember, you don't go to Hyde to seek the truth. What you go to Alfreton for I'll leave as today's countdown conundrum.

Hey-hey-hey kids: new signing (three days ago)!

Alas Pádraig 'Interesting' Almond continues to elude the monochrome campervan circling Newport, but two decades after the Jason Batty fandango we finally have another Kiwi keeper – the fantastically monikered Maxime Teremoana Crocombe. Let's hope the New Starter Induction Pack is up to date: the loos are to your right at the Pontoon end Max.

We're here to help.

You know, next year marks the 20th anniversary of the emergence of CA into this world in which we are living. How should we mark this occasion? A gala black tie evening of canapés, corned beef sandwiches (with a little bit of pickle), pallid poems and pompous prose? A compilation of the best of the best of the ultimate collection of the greatest hits of the collective? Yes, yes cry those bittersweet tears on hearing the haunting pathos of the Ballad of Phil Jevons or rave and drool along to Spatial Awareness Jobling. But you gotta be crazy not to be excited by the prospect of the release of Bottom of the Barrel Diary, aka the Tetney Tupac's rap about his epic, epochal encounter with ex-top con John and his gazebo. That Wu Tan Clan album has got nothing on us baby.

I can confirm we are prepared to sell our single copy of Once Upon A Time in King's Lynn to the highest bidder. It's either that or we'll have to sell some more T-shirts to keep the show on the road.

Stop, that's enough. I'm off up into the attic to write an ambient synthwave nu-disco anthem about the perils of growing lettuce on a shaded patio when squirrels lurk.