Cod Almighty | Diary
Don't Let's be Beastly to the Eastleigh
17 September 2021
BOTB diary here. You see that poor elderly man who can't get on the bus and carry his shopping as at the same time? That's me, that is.
The late, great Sean Lock had a routine about Christmas presents that fits today's diary well. After he rants to his wife about bee populations dwindling and the ensuing pollinator crisis, she buys him a packet of wildflower seeds for Christmas. He isn't happy: "You don't understand!" he complains, "I don't really give a shit about the bees, I just love moaning!"
Welcome to the world of the grumpy, dreary, middle-aged man, in which success is always treated with suspicion and every jar of ointment has a fly. (Although, as I've mentioned before, there are worse things to find in ointment than a fly. Human blood, for one.) Much to my shame, I was genuinely concerned that the current spiffingness, coolacity, grooviness and harmony hanging over Blundell Park has left me rather short of things to whine about. Will I find something to exercise the moaning muscle? Wait and see.
Tomorrow we "entertain" Eastleigh, which I'm guessing is in Hampshire somewhere. We live in the information age, in which any fact can be called up at the press of a button, which makes my reluctance to do any research even more disappointing. [It's ok, BOTB, Tom Sargent has authored a Rough Guide - ed] Eastleigh haven't started the season well, unlike Boreham Wood, who clearly need to be drugs tested. I once was offered a lift to Borehamwood* by Keith Richards, which I accepted, even though I had no intention of going to Borehamwood, because Keith Richards. He was wearing sunglasses throughout the journey. When we arrived in Borehamwood, he took his sunglasses off and it turned out it wasn't Keith Richards, it was just some bloke. It took me five hours to walk home. True story.
In those days the mere idea of Grimsby Town being below Boreham Wood in the league would have seemed almost comically fanciful. If Borehamwood had a football team then, I would have guessed they played in a park and had a fat centre-forward called Baz. Now they sit ahead of Wrexham, Notts County, Chesterfield and us. Cor blimey, eh? Funny old world. Well, that’s Boreham Wood dealt with. Back to Eastleigh.
Being the aforementioned moany old get, I see tomorrow not as a fantastic opportunity to win a football match and put scaffolding around our great start to the season, but as a colossal bananarama skin waiting to send us flying in front of a truck. During our last spell in the basement/abasement league our inability to put away the less fancied teams was one of the factors that frustrated us. The financial clout some of these clubs now have due to wealthy owners means that they are able to compete with clubs who have actual supporters, which sadly has levelled the playing field. Being generally lefty I should welcome this football egalitarianism, but I don't. No fans? Then flip off. You're ruining everything.
It looks like it might be a sellout tomorrow, so if you're mulling over the Eastleigh matter you will have to make your mind up soon. Blundell Park is a happy, bouncy, bountiful place to be at the moment so if I were you I'd stop dithering and go for it. The team assembled by attack-minded manager Paul Hurst looks speedy, spirited and sassy. I'm told the Fanzone is fine and the food is fabulous, though.....what!!?!......THERE ARE VERY FEW VEGETARIAN OPTIONS! SORT IT STOCKDAKLES!!1!!
Ooh, that feels better. Like massaging the moaning muscle. Lovely.
*All at CA curse the previous owner of GTFC for having to know that the team is called Boreham Wood FC and the town is Borehamwood.