Cod Almighty | Diary

The boy with the thorn in his side

14 January 2022

So, tomorrow we play Altrincham. I was going to write a Duff Guide to Altrincham but was put off by the fact that when I say the word Altrincham to myself absolutely nothing appears in my brain. Not a single association, nothing. Indeed, next time I can't sleep, I will just say the word "Altrincham" to myself over and over again until I slip relaxedly into the vortex the word creates.

Oh hang on. It has a letter C that is pronounced G, suggesting the town was named by a ventriloquist's dummy. It's part of Manchester. And if we don't beat them, I'm going to be snorting out of my nose like a peeved bull or a Millwall supporter presented with a Crystal Palace gonk for his birthday.

The use of the CA Diary for news dissemination is controversial. Since yesterday we have added Port Vale left-back Danny Amos to our squad, but the chances of you not knowing that are slim. So should I mention it? I can't recall seeing him play. He might be great! He might not be. Obviously we will welcome him and cross our fingers. What else can I say? He's a football player of some kind. Let's wait and see. Nice weather we're having.

I was discussing the concept of the football club long-term project with Retro Diary the other day, and we both agreed the concept is bollocks. At our level, success tends to come in a rush and a push. The way it doesn't work is consolidation.

Some supporters tend to think that if we are eighth one season, then we'll be sixth the next. And then we will be third. Then we'll be promoted and end up in the middle of the division above. That's because we are consolidating. Then we will be eighth again, then sixth. It's a long term project, you see. Eventually, in the year 2076, we will make the top half of the top division.

I've been watching lower division football a long time, and this never happens. The key thing in football is momentum. A team goes nowhere until one day there is a magic combination of manager and players that clicks and suddenly they leap up through the divisions like a salmon on speed. Usually, if the club hasn't the fan base to sustain the success, they then drop back through the divisions like a salmon on valium. Confidence is a superpower.

I think a lot of people don't want to believe this because the terms "long-term project" and "consolidation" sound more strategic. Who doesn't want to think of themselves as a great tactical thinker? I believe one of the reasons Paul Hurst has never achieved great success is that he tends to overthink lower division football, treating it as a game of chess. Move one pawn. Block this. Block that. Open that area of the board. Protect your king here. Try and free up your knight there.

Barcelona verses Real Madrid is a game when this kind of thinking is vital. Grimsby versus Altrincham is a game in which you need to pick up the board, throw it at your opponent and then stick a bishop up his nose. Football at our level is more of a pub brawl than an Olympic judo final. The strongest and most ruthless should always prevail.

The strange thing is that John Fenty once said the same about football success, and he was right. Of course he was pilloried, but it was one thing he got right. Possibly the only thing.

So much for the brief diaries. This one will be even longer because I'm going to finish with a story about a sausage shop that has NOTHING TO DO WITH FOOTBALL WHATSOEVER. It's just a story of a sausage shop.

One day, there was a sausage shop in Grimsby that was doing pretty well. Its sausages were lovely, and even though it didn't have the clout of the big chains and the multinationals, it was holding its own with a dedicated clientele and happy staff. They even won awards for their sausages which came with cash prizes. Sadly, one day Big Grandpa, who ran the shop, passed away, and the business was passed to Junior John.

Now Junior John had big plans for increasing the profit margin, and studied the finances avidly to see if he could make any savings. He soon saw that the meat he was using was very expensive to buy, being the very finest the shop could afford. Indeed, at times the shop was in debt, although the product was so good that it would always get back on its feet in the end. "If I replace this meat with flavoured oatmeal," thought Junior John, "I could save thousands of pounds a year!" So he instructed his staff to replace the meat with oatmeal, which was very cheap indeed.

The customers still kept coming in but they soon couldn't help but notice that the sausages weren't very good. However, they knew it was a local business and they liked the staff and they had their routines, so they kept coming in, although less often and with less enthusiasm. Junior John didn't care much because he was still making a profit because the oatmeal was so cheap. Eventually other sausage shops popped up in the town and his customers started going elsewhere. From being the biggest and most successful shop in the town, it was now the quietest and least liked, with demoralised staff and a general air of decay.

One day a customer saw John and asked him why his sausages weren't as good as they used to be. "This is a very well run sausage shop!" retorted John. "We're still here! There's a sausage shop in Bury closed last week!" That was the last time the customer used this shop, because he didn't like the attitude and the ethos that had taken root.

Now it so happened that Junior John got into a bit of a muddle with one of his friends who wanted to start a new pork pie business with him, and decided it was prudent to pass the sausage shop onto a new owner called Lovely Larry. Now Larry was a good, kind man and immediately gave all the staff a raise, painted the shop and made it look all lovely and fresh and new.

For a while there was an influx of new customers all wanting to be part of this exciting new enterprise, and it took them a while before they began having doubts. “The sausages still aren’t very nice,” said one. "Things haven't really changed much," said another. "We desperately need a new centre-forward," said another, who was clearly confused or in the wrong story. Soon, the shop began to empty again, though it was still in business because the oatmeal was so cheap.

Lovely Larry thought hard about his new business. He wanted it to be bigger, more successful, better run and more appealing to customers and staff alike. He just had one big decision to make. Should he keep the sausages filled with oatmeal, or invest in some fine meat which would be more expensive?

This diary has gone on too long now so I'd better end here. I've made myself hungry. Quorn sausages only for me, though - #meatismurder. Right on.