Cod Almighty | Article

by Richard Lord

7 June 2022

Rich Lord is a Leeds-based copywriter with a massive spreadsheet containing the results of every Grimsby match he's ever attended, with a disappointing win percentage. He's been a fairly regular Cod Almighty diarist since 2011 but wrote his first feature in 2003. He once got told off by Paul Groves for asking negative questions after the 8-1 defeat at Hartlepool.

Why are you a Town fan?
I was born in Croft Baker and grew up living just a couple of blocks away from Blundell Park. I was able to see one of the floodlights from our garden, peering between the houses opposite, and I could occasionally hear the crowd if the breeze was drifting in from the north. My dad is a Town fan, as was my grandad. Not sure about my great grandad, but my father's side of the family have been in Grimsby and Cleethorpes since the docks opened in the 1850s. Fairly sure they'd have been watching the Mariners in some capacity since their formation.

Where was your first seat/standing position and where do you like to sit now?
I used to go to reserve games on Tuesday nights after school because my parents couldn't afford to take me to first team games. We used to sit in the Main Stand, close to the stairway in the first block, half way back. Once I started going to first team games I preferred to be in the Pontoon, just because I got giddy at the opportunity to be loud, and curse in a way that would probably disappoint my parents. That's where I still go now, but the cursing has been curbed (kind of — although much depends on the performance of the referee).

New ground or redevelopment of Blundell Park?
My heart is in Blundell Park. I'm not blind to what a new stadium would bring but I'm absolutely fascinated by old stadiums (there are houses in London that have steps of a terrace from an old Arsenal ground running through them). Someone might be able to link new stadiums with higher attendances and better fortune but the fact remains that I've yet to visit a stadium built within the last 20 years that I've actually liked. You've got to love where you live and it'd take a monumental effort for me to love somewhere else — even though I've left BP feeling disappointed a hell of a lot.

How did you get involved with CA?
Since English was the only subject I ever really enjoyed at school, I was always set on the idea of a career in writing, in some form. A site that had different writers, and writing styles, was pretty novel at the time, so that appealed to me. I was keen to express myself using a style that was different from the one that came naturally to me. I'd also completed a journalism diploma and a big part of me wanted to break free from the rigid format of storytelling that I'd been taught. Cod Almighty has been one of the most important influences in my copywriting career, and I don't say that lightly. It had the fanzine spirit burning brightly, and the personalities that emanated from it was a big draw.

Which Cod Almighty feature would you like to see return?
I was a big fan of the Russell Slade and Mike Newell action figures. I think there was a Dale Ladson one too, and maybe a John Fenty as well? Not really an editorial feature but I always enjoyed the variety that CA brings. Quizzes, comic strips, postbags and the like were always a big hit with me.

What's your favourite Town kit?
I think my favourite would have to be any from the era before they made numbers legible on players' backs. Abolish the panel! And abolish these horrible boxy goal nets while we're at it. What was wrong with nets that draped? There's something quite classical about a red number set against black and white stripes, even if it makes a commentator's job difficult. I have fond memories of the 1995/6 season (not just for Ivano Bonetti) so that would be up there. I don't actually own it, but the width of the stripes are close to perfect on that shirt.

Have you ever played football with, or against, any Town player?
I found myself marking Alan Buckley in one of those charity games at the end of a season. I think the one I played in was in 2007. He hugged the left touchline; I was playing right-back. I was in my mid-20s at the time, so despite his pedigree I was very confident that he wouldn't get past me. And he didn't! But he did score. I took my eyes off him for literally two seconds and he popped up in the box to open the scoring. "You never lose it," he said to me as he trotted back to the halfway line. I didn't even feel embarrassed because I knew he'd given me a lovely anecdote.

Have you ever exchanged words with Alan Buckley – or even with a lesser manager? 
In the midst of the Radio Humberside ban I was asked by Compass FM to commentate on a Tuesday night game at Macclesfield after someone had dropped out. It was a last-minute thing so I hadn't done any research or preparation. I turned up and was given an awful headset that crackled and didn't have any volume control so I sometimes couldn't hear studio cues. I also had to manually hold the ISDN cable in its port, which meant I couldn't sit upright for 90 minutes. It was also freezing cold. And we lost 1-0. I mean, it was a horrible night all round, and not the experience I was after.

At full time I was told Mike Newell was coming up for an interview; I didn't even realise I was meant to be interviewing him. I had no questions written down. I also didn't have a second microphone so after asking him a question I had to remove my headset so he could talk into my built-in mic. The pot was most certainly made of tin. Anyway, I was flustered, anxious and also fed up. I can't remember what I asked him but there was a question that got his back up. He told me it was a ridiculous question. I'm not normally one for answering back but I was well up for taking him on. The only thing that held me back was my obligation of professionalism to Compass FM. Don't know why, because they didn't even supply me with kit that worked. Still fuming about it all today, to be honest. Always fancied myself as a bit of a commentator and I was rubbish that night.

Where have you been the most miserable when following Town?
I was on an evening flight to Paris. It was a Friday I think, and Town were playing Torquay. It was in Buckley's third spell, and after an initial surge in form we'd slumped towards the relegation zone and couldn't score for shit. When we landed, the first thing I did was check the score. We'd lost 4-1. I guess there were worse places to be upon learning that result (Torquay being one) but I was genuinely worried for us. Little did any of us know that we'd go and smash Boston 6-0 soon after. Roy Keane was on that flight, by the way. I looked angrier than him when we went through arrivals.

Have you got any Cod Almighty T-shirts?
I own two: We Piss On Your Fish and Grimsby Is Not In Yorkshire. I wore the former when I used to interview Town players in the primitive days of Mariners World. There's a shot of me wearing it while interviewing Mick Boulding and Graham Rodger. They've survived three house moves although they've now turned yellow with age.

Where's the oddest place you've bumped into a fellow Town fan?
I work in Leeds city centre. About three years ago I was taking my usual 10-minute stroll to the office from the train station and came to a busy junction. It's the kind of junction you can easily hop across if you know the traffic light system. Anyway, this bloke in a Town shirt just stepped out in front of a cyclist. No one got hurt but just as they freed themselves from a tangle, I noticed the cyclist was also wearing a Town shirt! It all happened so quickly. They exchanged cries of "Come on, Town!" and got on with their days. Not necessarily the oddest place but three individual Town fans converging at the same junction, at the same time, miles from Grimsby would demand high odds of it ever happening again.

Who is the best player you've seen playing in a Town match?
I'll avoid the obvious candidates and go for someone a bit 'out there' in Tranmere's Ian Hulme. It was the day we got relegated in 2004; the pitch was badly cut up from a season's wear and tear, but little Ian Hulme ran the show. He put in one of those performances where you thought he was playing at this level for a laugh. He pulled the strings — everything flowed through him. If the ball looked uncontrollable, he got it down and moved it on. He looked under pressure and then, two seconds later, he'd spun into space and picked the right pass. Nothing he did was spectacular, just annoyingly simple and effective. He made everything look easy. It was the kind of performance you only appreciate when you can see it in person.

Are you a forgiving soul? What is the longest Town-related grudge you hold?
Annoyingly for me (and possibly Rob Scott), Jamie Vardy went on to have a stellar career. He's played and scored for England, won the Premier League and won the FA Cup. I do admire the part of him that made all that happen but, underneath it all, I think the guy's a tool. There was a match at Fleetwood in which he'd scored, then dived late on to win a penalty. They scored it and the whole team, led by Vardy, celebrated in front of our dugout. I have a screenshot of it somewhere; all 11 Fleetwood players were in our managers' technical area. Our fans were held back in the ground after full time for reasons that were never explained and then, the following day, the league fined Town for failing to control their players. Can't get over it. Been telling everyone he's a tool since, and instead he's made me look a tool. Hate him even more for that.

If you could turn back time?
Never go back – apart from that time we did, and it worked, in 1997/98.

Favourite Tony Butcherisms from the million words of woe
Apart from not always getting his musical references, I've long been fascinated by the words he uses that appear to be imagined, Jabberwocky-style, only for them to be very real, and keeping the beautifully obscure words very much alive. I don't know anyone that uses so much vim as Tony. I actually used a few of Tony's match reports in a thesis on deixis years ago, which is the subconscious cues we give away in the language we use that reflects our stance in or view of the world. Simply put, Tony helped me prove that when things are going well in a match, the club is 'we', 'us' and 'our'. When the team performs badly it’s 'them', 'they' and 'their'. We're together when we win but we put distance between us and the players when we lose. Hardly rocket science but it contributed to my 2:1.

When we find ourselves in times of trouble do you have you a secret second team that you turn to?
I follow Arbroath for a couple of reasons. Firstly, for sharing a few features with Grimsby (like being known for fish, and having a ground that's ridiculously close to the North Sea — closer than Blundell Park, in fact). And secondly, I chose them years ago as my Scottish team to create a rivalry with a friend whose Scottish team was (and still is) Alloa. They were in the same division at the time. I went for the only other team in the division beginning 'A' and they gave us four 'derbies' each season, until they went their separate ways. Good times. Nerdy times too, re-reading that.

Have you infected anyone with the Town? How are they today?
One of the first features I wrote for Cod Almighty was about how I treated my girlfriend at the time (now wife) to a freezing cold Tuesday night match at Rochdale, which we lost 2-0. She grew up in Cape Town, watching cricket in the shadow of Table Mountain and playing cricket on the beach at Christmas. The contrast between her sporting experiences and mine gave me plenty of material for that article. She's incredibly loyal and feels the pain as much as I do, following Town. She's coping, like the rest of us.

Favourite John Moore or Rolyism?
Crickey! That's like asking to choose a favourite child. Roly for his "pick that one out" and "you will not see a better goal anywhere this season" (before saying the exact same thing two games later). I love John's cries of "surely!" when a goal is anything but certain. I also love their cries of "no marking!" whenever the ball is poked home from a set piece. And any supporter who makes it onto the pitch is only ever called "an idiot".

How many Town mugs have you got?
I don't actually own one. I'm one of life's anomalies in that I don't drink hot drinks (yeah, I'm one of them). I do own a Blyth Spartans mug for some reason (can't even remember why), which I keep some pens in.

Are you bothered which division Town are in?
The inflatables at Barnet; the wigs at Woking. I'd argue we’ve had some of our best times in non-League visiting new grounds and mingling with friendly fans on old-style terracing. Operation Promotion and winning at Wembley — I'm sure we'd all rather enjoy success a few leagues higher but I'll always accept we are where we are. I just won't accept us being something we're not.