Cod Almighty | Diary

The burning diary furnace

8 July 2022

Hello.

The last close season was of course rather longer than this one will be, and I distinctly remember weeks when writing a diary was like squeezing the truth out of Boris Johnson. This time round we have a bit of a news dribble but not much more. In order to try and keep things interesting I'm going to relay everyday GTFC news stories in a sensationalised and untruthful way, in the style of the toilet paper we call our daily press.

LONGE-KING : I'M GOING HOME!

Hard man Grimsby defender David Longe-King (27) is SICK of the North and is going back to the SOUTH where the sunshine is more sizzly and JELLIED EELS are back on the menu. Longe-King (67) announced the BIG MONEY move to Dagenham and to REDBRIDGE on his TWITTER account. Longe-King (17) has been seen stepping out with former Love Island contestant Danni Padding (86), doubtless hoping to settle down after a LOTHARIO period in which he had 26 children with 33 different women. Longe-King (45) says his ambition is to be crowned KING OF THE BOATING LAKE in a bizarre ceremony involving SWANS. Speaking from his FOURTEEN MILLION POUND Welsh mansion yesterday Longe-King (33 – bingo!) said "it's a whole new chapter of my life, at DAGENHAM and at Redbridge. I want to stop the BALL going into the NET except when I'm up for a corner in which case I want the BALL to go into the opposition's NET, preferably propelled by my HEAD or FOOT but they all count."

The trial continues.

STAFF MORALE LOW IN TICKET OFFICE

A MYSTERY poster (19) on the GRIMSBY TOWN message board THE ELECTRONIC FISHMONGER claimed that morale was low in the GTFC offices, putting it on a par with EVERY OTHER WORKPLACE IN THE HISTORY OF THE FREAKIN' WORLD. When asked to back up his claims, the mystery POSTER (35) wrote INCONSEQUENTIAL bollocks, incoherently. Claims that the mystery poster (8) was former GRIMSBY TOWN embarrassment JOHN PETER SHILTON FENTY (Con 54) who has had over 300 children with ONE WOMAN in their six million pound Amazonian jungle LOVE NEST were unconfirmed. A spokesman for The Fishy (48) said "we are a messageboard and there is no such thing as a spokesman for a messageboard" before disappearing in his own logic.

The trial confuses.

BIGNOT: I BOOBED

Former GRIMSBY TOWN supremo MARCUS BIGOT, I mean BIGNOT (23), is in TROUBLE after a homophobic slur got him into HOT WATER. (Not literally HOT WATER LIKE IN A KETTLE but metaphorical hot water. Even though hot water is nice when you have a bath, in these news stories it is considered a bad thing to get into HOT WATER as though you were a lobster or something.) WHERE WAS I? Oh yes, a women (46) was horrible to him, and then he was horrible back but in a specially bad way because she was a LESBIAN (21). I mean you can't say anything THESE days, can you? It's POLITICAL correctness GONE mad; they'll probably CANCEL me now for not being WOKE. I used to love BERNARD MANNING, I wonder why he isn't on any more? Bignot (WD40), speaking to reporters from his 3 MILLION POUND YURT in the SEA, told REPORTERS he was very sorry for his actions. "It was the heat of the moment and I shouldn't have said what I said. I would like to apologise to the entire world, and any aliens that happen to be listening, and ghosts."

The trial condemns.

And now the weather. Warm. In summary, summery. We play Cleethorpes tomorrow. The carousel goes round and round. Let's enjoy it while we can.