Cod Almighty | Match Stats

Saturday 20 August 2022

Division 4

Grimsby Town 0

Sutton United 0

Attendance: 6239 (105 away fans)

Chomping and quaffing safely behind the plexiglass, the banal pleasantries gave hope for lengthy discourse as they tucked into the next course, but cheer was swiftly dismissed as Dave Smith approached and asked them to nominate a man of the match.

The pitiful subjects proceeded to gaze out of a large window for what seemed like an age…and the first face they saw was Max Crocombe.

He may be sat in a bed in Dunstable, but he was the best player on the pitch by far today. Immaculate.

Straight talking and straight to the point about getting a point:

"Near enough, everything about the game was really poor. It were rubbish."

Oh, and the grass was too long.

More on this

He’s pleased. He's pleased with this, he's pleased with that. That's nice. Don't bother listening, it's as interesting as his team.

More on this

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

What can be dredged out from this gloop? Town were collectively clueless in how to overcome some bog-standard, but supremely effective, non-Leaguing. Sutton were uber-competent in negativity, snuffing out any attempts at football. Town were just bullied, the referee conned, and no-one had the gumption to deal with it.

But Pepple added some pep. He's young, he's learning, and looks like he's learning quickly. We'll need it as Taylor looks like he's run out of puff, while the initial wingers were pretty woeful. As usual half the squad look like useful squad players, one's you don't mind on the bench but worry if they are in the team for too many games.

Still, in previous lives this would have been an annoying defeat, so let's look at it as a point gained. It could have been worse. Hello Plucky Scunny!

On the outskirts of their minds this is the best time of their lives: for Sutton simply have an urge for awfulball. They are a cliché of a newly-promoted old-skool non-League club. Well, it works for them. If they are happy with this, just let them be.

As cunning as a bag o'weasels, they hit it long, hit it high and have a designated diver whenever the ball descends into any penalty box, anywhere on earth. If they are happy to watch this week after week, just let them be. Like Alan Partridge in a cheesy fever dream, they're pitching a new sport to Channel 5: Inner-City Sumo and Monkey Tennis are old hat, but what about Rugby Union and Deep Sea Diving?

It works for them and they seem happy. They are not here for our entertainment, but they will be around the bottom of the top, happily snipping and sniping away (subject to refereeing indulgence).

These charmless and far from harmless giants will cause no one to go to the away game: not worth seeing, not worth going to see.

Well we're just mad about Sutton even if Sutton's not sad about what they did to Grimsby. We are not mellow about these yellow fellows.

Mr M Woods

The turquoise turnip turned up and gave his bog-standard performance – unwilling to make any decisions inside the penalty boxes that would lead to a goal being scored, and unseeing grips on Grimsby causing many a monochrome gripe.

We just can't scrape this dung off our shoe: 4.999

Grips, gripes and a load of tripe.

In a word: irksome