Cod Almighty | Match Report
by Tony Butcher
5 February 2023
A clear, breezy day in the netherland betwixt Birmingham and Manchester. Breezy? A stiff, cold wind blew straight down the pitch into the faces of all the people sat behind the goal on the left as seen on TV. The stand with six rows of seats and nobody there. The usual couple of hundred Town fans were ushered gently to their fate by kindly, jolly stewards. Their fate being to sit in a tiny stand on the side of the pitch (underneath the TV gantry), with the setting sun blazing into their eyes.
Town warmed up with the standard bunny hops and jitterbugs between cones, whilst Crewe played a lazy one-touch practice game, then recreated the Royal Tournament by doing some fancy formation running. Today, Matthew, Sodje was wearing a black headscarf, with contrasting red-tinged boots. Lovely. The first thing the Town fans noticed was that Coldicott was jogging around, then another, bigger Coldicott. Ah, that'd be Robert Taylor then, a man who looks as though his head has been shrinkwrapped onto his body. He's big and bulky, totally atypical for a Town player. Of course there was much mirth when Coldicott and Taylor stood near each other, with many a "mini-me" reference.
The big Railtrack (In Railway Administration) Stand was about a third full at most, so there was little atmosphere. As Crewe have no easily definable traits (i.e. it's not in Yorkshire) the massed choir of 20 teenagers were unable to think of any insulting songs to sing. Or perhaps "Your stadium sponsor has recently gone bust" wasn't a catchy enough jingle. Why does every team in red have the same mascot, only with a different animal face stuck on the front? They all have a red-furred, four-legged mammal. Bear, dog, lion, they're all the same, only the plastic face is slightly different. Maybe it's the same costume which follows Town around, with the same sad and surly student inside.
Enough trivia, Town lined up in a vague 5-3-2 formation as follows: Coyne, Butterfield, Ford, Groves, Gallimore, Chapman, Campbell, Burnett, Willems, Taylor and Jevons. The substitutes were Croudson, Smith, Raven, Boulding and Coldicott. Butterfield reverted to right-back, which pleased the support: "It's good to see you RIGHT BACK where you belong Danny". He couldn't fail to miss that, as he was a mere 10 yards away when that kind word of encouragement was bellicosely bellowed at his right ear. Everyone else was where you'd expect them to be too.
1st half
Crewe kicked off towards the empty end and it was instantly noticeable that the Town players were slower in foot and mind than their opponents. There was much dillying and dallying, hesitancy and disinterest. Within a minute Crewe nearly scored through some lackadaisical defending by Ford and Butterfield (especially Butterfield, who generally played as though he resented being away from the midfield). From about 30 yards out, Crewe knocked the ball over the top of Ford beyond the far post, with the ball rolling away from goal. Butterfield couldn't be bothered to even jog back, so a Crewe player managed to run perhaps 15 yards, turn, and hit a low cross into the heart of the six-yard area. The ball was uncomfortably cleared by Groves, eventually.
Town's game plan at the start seemed to be to hit it high to Taylor. Unfortunately, they are not schooled in such subtleties and kept missing him by miles. Even worse they also tried to hit it high to Jevons, who just didn't feel like wrestling with large men. The result was an ugly, shapeless start, with Crewe pouncing on any loose ball and surging forward, causing panic in the Town defence. What was worse was that there were huge gaps between the Town defence and midfield, and also midfield and 'attack', which meant that Crewe simply made our statuesque midfielders piggies in the middle. Whenever a Town midfielder did get the ball at his feet he was immediately surrounded by three little bears. There were two or three very uncomfortable moments when Crewe surged forward at pace through the immobile monochrome midfield, towards the flapping threesome at the back. Fortunately Crewe players kept running into a defender, or totally overhit through-passes.
After eight or nine minutes Crewe were given a free kick way out on their right, about 15 yards inside the Town half. Everyone stood in a line just inside the Town penalty area and the ball was swung into the middle. It was headed out about 10 yards to a Crewe player, who immediately clipped it back in towards the far post. Ford, who had been marking Sodje, stopped marking and watched the ball, which allowed Sodje to sneak around the back and head about five yards wide, totally unmarked. Willems shouted at Ford, who had clearly lost concentration.
A few seconds later a catalogue of errors effectively threw the game away. Coyne wellied the goal kick downfield towards Jevons, who didn't bother to challenge for a header, even the though the ball was within a few inches of his head. The ball was knocked forward over the Town midfield, dropping between Burnett and the retreating defence, just inside the Town half in the centre. Burnett ran back and headed the ball towards Ford. Oops, the header was a little underpowered and Ford made no attempt to run forward, leaving it to Burnett, who had, of course, assumed Ford would come forward to control it. A Crewe player zipped forward into the huge, huge gap and headed for goal, drifting slightly to the (Town) left. As Coyne came out to narrow the angle he placed the ball very carefully along the ground in to the centre of the goalmouth to Thomas, about 10 yards out, who tapped the ball under Coyne. A dreadful third division mistake, brought about through timidity and fear. It totally deflated the barely inflated Town support. Cue the sound of hands slapping into faces, heads shaking and deep sighs.
Ford and, particularly, Burnett went to pieces after this, with Burnett making a series of underhit back passes/headers to the defence which merely set up Crewe attacks. Burnett hardly made a pass all afternoon, and certainly never attempted anything longer than 10 yards. Ford had great difficulties coping with balls played over the top to where his right wing-back should have been. Ah, Butterfield, the Jogmeister general. There he was harmlessly passing away his time in the grassland. Watch out, Danny, there may be dogs about. You'd better stay at home at right-back and do as you're told.
Any tangible Town response? Jevons – always Jevons. All moves seemed to fall apart when the ball went near him. Mostly he failed to make any kind of challenge, simply standing with arms waving, mouthing complaints to his team-mates. Occasionally he'd fall, attempting to win a free kick, sometimes he'd shoot. He had at least three shots in the first half, all mishit, from outside the area. On each occasion he was simply greedy, selfish and utterly wasteful, as he should have passed to an unmarked chum. And mostly he should have passed back to Taylor, who held the ball up well, played some interesting passes and moved into dangerous positions. What a pity his strike partner just couldn't be bothered. Taylor kept making flicks to where he was used to team-mates being. Not being at Town long enough, he didn't realise that no-one knew what to do.
There was the merest hint of a method to Town after about 15 minutes. The ball was often played up to Taylor, who controlled with his chest and held off a couple of defenders. Willems kept sprinting from left midfield beyond Taylor up to an inside right position. Taylor showed awareness and perception by playing excellently weighted passes to where Willems was heading. Willems was then stuck, as Campbell was clearly unfit and was rarely up in support, and Jevons had strolled off to the far post. Only the most optimistic of souls would believe that Willems would be able to play perfect 40-yard crosses with his right foot with his back to goal. It didn't seem to occur to Jevons that the near post was the most likely destination of any attempted cross.
As the Town fans got crosser and crosser with the disjointed, inconsistent wallowing, Crewe continued to cause problems on the break. Jack was sent free down an inside right channel, Groves creaked across to force him wide, with Jack unleashing a screaming right-foot volley from the edge of the box, which went a yard or two over the top of Coyne's left-hand post. There were a couple more crosses from the Crewe right which caused varying degrees of panic in the goal mouth and finally all hope was extinguished in most bizarre circumstances after 25 or 26 minutes.
Crewe got a throw-in on the Town right, about 10 yards from the bye line. The throw-in had resulted from them chucking a long pass over from their right to left into a massive gap. Why the gap? Because Campbell was physically unable to move faster than a trot. The throw-in was taken quickly and simply thrown down the line to a small midfield player (I can't identify them as most had the same haircut and were the same size. Hey! much like us then). This small man let the ball bounce off his chest and then turned his marker on the bye-line, hooking in a huge, high cross from about three or four yards wide of the penalty area. The ball disappeared from view (the roof of the stand was very low) then reappeared in the centre of goal. Groves, somewhere near the six-yard box, with Ashton lurking behind and preparing to head into a virtual open goal, leapt up and headed the ball away firmly with his…..right hand. It wasn't subtle either, he leant back and back punched the ball away.
The reaction of the crowd, referee and players was one of stunned disbelief. Open mouths and silent, wide eyed looks in the direction of Groves by everyone. After a few seconds the Crewe crowd started to shout "Off, Off" as the referee walked towards Groves. Yellow card, which objectively was a very poor decision, as Groves had deliberately stopped Ashton from scoring. Smith ran up and whacked the ball at head height down the centre left. Coyne had dived to the right. We might as well have gone home there and then.
Town almost immediately switched to a 4-4-2 formation, with Chapman moving to a wide left midfield position. Town were defensively more solid after this (maybe solid misrepresents the position; less shambolic would be a more apt description). And there were even hopes of a shot on target. Town players started to move, especially down the right where Campbell and Butterfield suddenly clicked and linked well with Taylor, causing difficulties for Crewe, especially when Willems made his diagonal runs.
There were a couple of old-fashioned Town moves….and they foundered at Jevons' feet. After some neat interplay and Town triangles by Campbell and Butterfield, the ball was played into Jevons, about eight yards out and eight yards wide of goal. He spun and looped a lovely gentle pass into Bankole's arms. A few minutes later, again after interplay down the right, Taylor drifted across the face of the area and dragged a left-foot shot low a few yards wide of the keeper's left-hand post via Jevons' ankles (Jevons appeared to try a 'Zola', but sent the ball even further wide).
Apart from another attempted overhead kick by Jevons which curved comfortably, and very, very softly, into Bankole's arms, that was it for the first half. Unless you are interested in Jevons falling over. Town were poor, and were losing to a team who were not much better, as they had a penchant for passing the ball directly out of play. But they, like every other team in professional football, had more ideas up front. Pace and movement, a method and some esprit de corps. All lacking from Town, who resembled a hotch-potch of friends, neighbours and vague acquaintances. Campbell was not fit, Burnett frit. Taylor was not utilised properly as he clearly has a footballing brain to go with his bulk. A few youngsters tried to start a chant of "What a load of rubbish", but were shouted down by others who tried to get behind, and encourage, the team. Jevons excepted; his get out of Anfield jail card has finally expired.
Whatever changes were done at half time they were too late, The game was over wasn't it? And some considered the season too.
2nd half
Town replaced Chapman with Boulding at half time, a straight swap and yet again Chapman was the sacrificial lamb, having done little, if anything, wrong.
Town started the second half with a fizz and a bang, taking the game to Crewe, dominating possession for 15 minutes and being a little unfortunate not to score. Just a little, mind, not much. The attacking balance of the team was much better, with Boulding a threat, linking well with Taylor. The unfortunate thing about these Taylor/Boulding links was that it meant Taylor wasn't in the box for the cross.
The referee endeared himself to the home support when, after a few minutes of the second half, Boulding received the ball on the half way line, on the left. He spun around and nipped between two defenders, then dribbled past another couple, meaning he was free, on the edge of the penalty area, right in the middle with just Bankole in front of him. The ref awarded Town a free kick 20 yards upfield for a foul on Boulding. Advantage anyone? The free kick was chipped into the penalty area, half headed clear by Crewe, then headed back into the area, just beyond the penalty spot. Groves leant back and firmly headed across goal, forcing Bankole to leap across and tip the ball over the bar for a corner. Finally a chance to "Ooh". Butterfield chipped the corner nicely into Bankole's arms.
A few minutes later Taylor daintily turned past a defender and fell excellently to win a free kick, about 20 yards out close to the right-hand corner of the penalty area. He stood over the ball as if to proclaim "this is my domain" and Campbell approached, offering advice on how to take it. Presumably "you have to hit it into the ankles of the bloke on the left". Taylor ignored the Grimsby way and curled a hard shot just over the bar, on the centre left of goal. That's the old Grimsby way – the Kingsley special - just over the bar!
Crewe were not a redundant attacking force either, as they had switched to having three strikers, with Jack more centrally positioned. It meant that each time a Town attack was repulsed Crewe simply surged forward and outnumbered the Town defence. They almost scored a third when a free kick from their left, about 30 yards out, was swung into the middle of the area, missing three of their players as it bounced, then rolled, away. Barely a Town player challenged. A quick break down their right resulted in Gallimore being easily beaten. The cross, from near the bye-line, was hit low to Ashton, who got in front of his marker and, from six or seven yards out in the centre of the goal, diverted the ball towards the net. Coyne was perfectly positioned and parried the ball over for a corner.
After about 20 minutes of the half Burnett was replaced by Coldicott, to huge cheers. Poor old Burnett had been rotten really, although he had been slightly less awful in the second half. Hardly an inspiring thought is it. Around this time there was a remarkable 10 seconds. Firstly, after some decent passing and movement down the Town left involving Taylor and Boulding, the ball was chipped in to Jevons, just inside the penalty area, in a centre left position, with his back to goal. He knocked the ball down, teed it up, leapt up and hit an overhead kick, which arced over Bankole and bounced off the face of the cross bar. The ball was wellied clear into midfield, where a Crewe player controlled the ball and played a perfect pass into a huge unmanned hole 40 yards from Coyne's goal, right in the middle. Jack outpaced Groves (I think, and what a surprise that is) and when on the edge of the area, in the middle, carefully shot across Coyne, who simply stood up and watched the ball go by. The ball hit the inside of Coyne's left-hand post, rolled across the line, bent around the post, then rolled along the bye line.
The rest of the match was mostly Crewe, who could have scored a few more. And, to paraphrase Big Ron Atkinson, we have "highly-rated Dean Ashton, who misses goals for fun" to thank for that. Ashton was sent through on goal, in the middle, again after a Town move broke down and Crewe poured forward down the centre of the pitch. From almost exactly the same position as Jack, Ashton whacked a right-foot shot past Coyne's right arm and over the bar. Again Coyne was motionless, merely flapping his right arm in the vicinity of the shot. It was as if he had tired of covering up other people's errors.
Lunt dribbled down the Town left, got to the bye line and pinged a fast, low cross into the no-mans-land between six-yard box and penalty spot. Ashton, unmarked and in the centre, lunged forward and missed the ball, which proceeded through the area and out for a throw-in. A few minutes later Ashton dragged a right-foot shot a few yards wide when unmarked on the edge of the box. He must be a star as he has highlights in his hair, and he has a most exaggerated manner when he misses. I suppose it's all the practice he gets.
Town's only real effort in the last 20-odd minutes was when Boulding skipped, waltzed and foxtrotted his way past his marker down the left, whipping in a chest-high cross which went right through the penalty area, just missing the unmarked Big Bob at the far post. Mere inches away from a goal. Oh sure, Jevons tried a couple of shots, but no power, no precision, no chance really. I think he's worn out his welcome with random precision. He seems to be going for the crowd-pleaser every time, the one that looks good on TV. Taylor won many headers, made many flicks and passes, but Jevons misread them all, being completely unable to read the play. If there were two options, Jevons would find the third way.
With about 10 minutes or so left Groves was replaced by Raven. More silent, stunned looks from the players and crowd. After three steps Groves remembered to limp. Raven was quite sharp and determined in his brief cameo and made a couple of very vital interceptions and blocks. The most eye-catching was after Crewe had ripped Town apart down the left (Oh Mr Gallimore, you were back to being Mr Grimsdale today), with their full-back Smith playing a one-two in the area, receiving a flick in the box, about eight yards out, a few yards wide of Coyne's left-hand post. As he was about to shoot Raven threw himself across and the ball ballooned off him, over Coyne and on to the roof of the net. The corner was curled in from their left, to the far post, where Ashton headed in. The 'goal' was disallowed as Ashton had clambered on to Raven's back, balancing himself perfectly upon the spine of our rarely observed centre-back.
The last five minutes were most unedifying, as Crewe played keep-ball, allowing their supporters to cry "Ole" for minutes on end. Gallimore lost his temper and tried to kick Lunt, but failed. Taylor was more subtle in his professionalism. He chased Jack back as Crewe broke away, 'accidentally' running into the back of Jack's ankles. Jack stayed down for ages, causing the Town support to exclaim their horror at the injury, and demand the referee end the game: "Stop the game. I'm traumatised…by your moustache!" And you must seek out that moustache. So, Mark Lawrenson. Was it painted on, or attached with glue? A stray thespian in the crowd concluded that it was the stick-on variety, and he should know.
I have probably missed a few Crewe shots; there were waves of attacks and many, many moments of danger, though not all resulted in anything getting near Coyne. For Town there was some hope in the second half, when they switched to 4-4-2 and Boulding came on, but by then it was far too late. Taylor tried and tried and tried even, at one point, being the player to collect the clearance from his own cross. Nothing special about that? Well he crossed from the right touch-line and won the ball back on the left. If only a couple of others had shown such effort. We might have only lost by one goal. For his efforts Taylor was applauded warmly, and all the rest received a less hostile reception than they may have expected. Ford improved when Town abandoned the 5-3-2, and Butterfield was less dreadful. Willems worked as hard as Taylor and Coyne and Boulding were OK. Hardly hope for the future, is it.
It appears that the team may have a problem with Jevons – he spent the whole game complaining about, and to, his work colleagues. A touch of the Ravenelli's there, methinks. And it was never his fault, either. At one point Taylor took a huge chunk of earth out of the pitch with a sliding tackle. That divot made more penetrating off-the-ball runs than Jevons, and certainly tackled more firmly. Sign it up, it won't cost much! The Town supporters were not very polite to Jevons, and their annoyance grew to something more bilious as every minute passed. Perhaps the reaction is because there were such high hopes. Higher expectation leads to a more violent reaction to perceived failure. If he wants to repair his reputation, moving would help. Ah, but moving where?
Man of the Match
Who else but Phil Jevons? Everyone but! Taken on the basis that he ran around a lot and never gave up, Mr M Willems from Holland gets the nod. Closely followed by Taylor. Not a great day for anyone in black and white stripes. The bar was set low on today's measure.
Official Warning
Mr S Baines
It was a low intensity game, so not many big decisions to make. He couldn't miss the penalty, though thankfully he failed to apply the rules and only booked Groves. He kept missing handballs in open play and his application of advantage was inconsistent. Artistic impression 10 (a great impression of Mark Lawrenson) and 5.2 for technical merit. His Groves decision was sensible, but wrong. He always seemed to have a good reason for finding the easy way out.