Cod Almighty | Match Report

by Tony Butcher

21 February 2023

A mild, still night with the merest hint of a chill in the air. All the seats were wet which meant there were some soggy bottom boys in the Town end. Well, following Town does make us men of constant sorrow.

Town warmed up in front of the growing mass of Town supporters with the usual organised jogging down the touchline, followed by disorganised passing. Mmmm, come to think of it, that's how they play as well. They seemed to have nice new red sweatshirts for the occasion, so no bobbling in the knit there then.

Arsenal warmed up at the other end, in front of a wall of empty red seats, with fancy-dan continental stretches and balletic jumps. As they were doing this their team was announced on the two big TV screens, "Number 57 – Juan". I will resist the temptation to make a Heinz joke, but 57! And Juan wasn't a singular sensation, by the way. We feared for Ben Chapman, possibly being swept away by the elephantine ears of Jermaine Pennant. Up front they had Bergkamp and Wiltord. Now that's cheating.

Town lined up in a 4-4-2 formation as follows: Coyne, Neilson, Groves, Broomes, Chapman, Butterfield, Burnett, Willems, Campbell, Allen and Jevons. The substitutes were Ermes, Raven, Smith, Coldicott and Boulding. Campbell played on the left of midfield with Butterfield on the right. Hardly an exciting prospect of wizardry on the wings, but potentially solid. I stress the word potentially.

The kick off was delayed by a few seconds as the tiny matchday mascot had to be dragged off the pitch by a stuffed green dragon.

1st half
Arsenal kicked off towards the Town support (which virtually filled the Clock End) in total silence. The Town fans were apprehensive, rather than excited, and the Arsenal fans were mute. You can hardly blame them, Man Utd on Sunday, Juventus next week. Would it be "Just like watching Juve?"

The first couple of minutes were uneventful, with the game being played at first division pace. After three minutes Arsenal had their first attack. The ball was played into Wiltord, about 25 yards out, just to the left of centre of goal. He quickly turned and passed the ball to Pennant on their right wing, level with the edge of the penalty area. Chapman and Campbell stood off him slightly, leaving a gap for Pennant to clip in a cross, which he duly did. The ball swung to the far post, about eight or nine yards out, level with the post. Neilson was under the flight of the ball, but put himself in a position where he was making a standing jump. Edu ran in and firmly headed down just inside Coyne's right-hand post. It was a perfectly placed header, any save would have been excellent, as the ball went into the only space between Coyne's hand and the post.

Deflation, any optimism punctured, the Town crowd were not so much stunned as resigned. I can't remember hearing the Arsenal supporters cheer. There were some there, I could see them, they got up and went to the toilet at half time, so I know they weren't a mural or dummies.

It'd be just a case of keeping the score down now, wouldn't it? Well, sort of. The game was curious, like no cup-tie I've ever been at. Town didn't collapse, but Arsenal didn't go for the throat. The game was like a competitive friendly, pretty patterns weaved, but no passion. Curiously passionless.

Willems and Burnett had time and space to show some feints and tricks in midfield, but there was no final product. Why? Little movement and intelligent defending by Arsenal. Allen and Jevons didn't have enough physical presence to cause Keown and Stepanovs any problems. Town were quite admirable up to the edge of the Arsenal penalty area, but nothing happened inside their box.

You'll have noticed that I haven't reported any incidents yet, well there weren't any really. Very early on (around the time of the goal) Willems wasted a free kick out on the Town right, swinging it way, way too high and into the North Bank. A couple of minutes later, after a neat, intricate passing movement down the Town left, Willems sliced a shot 24 yards wide with his right foot. A few minutes after that Willems totally skied an attempted left-foot half volley after a high headed clearance from Keown came out to him about 25 yards out, centrally placed. The shot was so high and wayward it never went out of play (Allen was flagged offside trying to retrieve it). Half way through the half the Arsenal keeper fluffed a clearance straight to Willems, about 25 yards out on the left. The resulting shot went a yard or two wide of the keeper's right-hand post.

Arsenal didn't attack much, and when they did Town defended well, often in numbers. Broomes and Groves were not having much difficulty in keeping Wiltord and Bergkamp away from the penalty area (though Bergkamp doesn't need much encouragement to flitter around the periphery).

After about 20 minutes Bergkamp received the ball near the touchline on the Town right, cut in and hit a weak shot, bouncing once, straight into Coyne's midriff from 25 yards. Ermm, let me think, what else did they do. Mmmmm? A free kick straight into the wall. Does that intrigue you? Thought not. A couple of crosses that went within a few yards of someone's head? Nope, boring, eh? Bergkamp beat Neilson then stopped, claiming a free kick, but the referee waved play on, with Tin-Tin throwing a minor hissy fit because he didn't get his way? Hardly worth bothering with.

Town weren't bad, just not good enough to cause Arsenal any problems. There was some excellent controlled defending by Chapman (who, according to someone on my left, "leapt like a salmon" at least seven times during the game. That was his phrase du jour), including one moment where he controlled the ball on his chest near the Town goal line, and calmly passed the ball upfield. Similarly, Broomes and Groves had a couple of flashy moments inside the Town penalty area.

Near the end of the half Town had what a charitable person would call an effort on goal. That charitable person would be woefully misguided. A spell of Town passing and movement down the left resulted in Broomes surging forward and trying a shot from 25 yards. The ball rebounded off one of several Arsenal defenders who flung themselves towards the surging centre-back and squirmed sideways. The ball was then played to the unmarked Butterfield. The totally, and utterly, unmarked Butterfield, who, from about 15 yards from the bye-line, five yards outside the penalty area, clipped in a cross which went a few inches over the near post. "Ooh" we said out loud. "Rubbish cross" we said to ourselves. One in a series of crosses from the boy Butterfield which sailed majestically into the North Bank.

With a couple of minutes left Arsenal should have scored again. Meandering play outside the Town penalty area, with Arsenal players knocking the ball around in front of the Town defence, ended with a diagonal cross from their right, into the middle of the area, about eight yards out. Wiltord glided between Groves and Broomes (who was keeping him onside) and tried to back-head the ball past Coyne. The ball floated gently a few inches wide of Coyne's right-hand post. We can see the difference between international strikers like Wiltord and Bradley Allen now. Wiltord misses by less. Well worth £13 million.

A minute or so later Bergkamp, again after drifting out wide on the Town right, dribbled into the penalty area, falling under a challenge from two Town players. No penalty, of course. If he hadn't rather too obviously searched out a leg over which to fall he may have got it. He still hadn't found what he was looking for. This gave rise to probably the most pathetic heckle heard for many a year: "Have you been on a submarine Bergkamp, 'cos that was dive was rubbish".

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the first half. Not embarrassing, not exciting. There were moments when Town looked like they may break through, fleeting visions up the other end, but each time an Arsenal defender was simply stronger or faster than an attacker. Allen and Jevons linked well two or three times, but there was only ever one or two people moving for Town. The wide players were atrocious, with Campbell barely touching the ball. Many wished Butterfield had barely touched it as he was a liability. Any interesting Town play was destroyed the moment it went near Jogging Danny B. He hugged the touchline, but never moved, and his 'partnership' with Neilson was more like a sham marriage. Down the centre Broomes/Groves and Willems/Burnett were fine. Apart from Willems' shooting which was sub-Poutonian, a concept many believed was merely a theoretical possibility. Sir, I have empirical evidence and 4,000 witnesses.

The overriding memory of the first half was the reverential silence and the passionless fruit on offer by both sides. Both seemed intent on 'putting on a show'. All rings and things to make them look good. No-one got stuck in. Arsenal looked ripe for a Pouton/Coldicott mugging, even Willems was avoiding clogging.

At least Barnsley were losing.

Stu's Half Time Toilet Talk
"There’s no passion out there, we need Shaun Cunnington". "Leaping like a salmon, like a salmon, I tell you". "Sembient Sigh and the Seminal Gap? Didn't they play at the Winter Gardens in ’72?" "Butterfield. Butterlegs more like." "Look at the wingspan on that!"

2nd half
Boulding replaced Allen at half time, a straight swap with no tactical changes. The Town fans gave the mighty midget a huge cheer.

Within two minutes he'd brought us to our feet. Keown allowed Boulding to drift into midfield and receive a pass near the half way line. Boulding spun around and dribbled towards the penalty area at pace, beating two defenders in the process. About 25 yards out, near the centre, Boulding slightly mishit a low, right-foot shot, a foot or so wide of the keeper's right-hand post. Keown was wise enough never to let Boulding do this again; as soon as Boulding received the ball he was, as Mark Lawrenson once said, "up his backside all night". Some would describe that as marking tightly.

The match, by it's own standards, was galvanised by this incident. The Town fans roared for a while, almost visibly making both sets of players raise the tempo of the game. Arsenal almost broke out of a trot.

Coyne was forced into making a save after about 55 minutes when Arsenal prodded and probed around the edge of the Town box, principally through Bergkamp. The ball was threaded through a small gap towards the penalty spot with Van Bronckhort sprinting forward. Coyne raced out and smothered the ball at the invisible man's feet, even collecting the rebound in the same movement. A few minutes later Bergkamp drifted out to the Town right, scenting some dead meat (otherwise known as the static, error-prone Neilson). Bergkamp floated past a couple of challenges and caressed a cross into the middle of the penalty area, about 10 yards out. Edu ran into a gap between Willems, Campbell and Broomes and, unmarked, headed down, but straight into Coyne's hands. Or the perfectly positioned Coyne's hands, as we like to interpret it.

Arsenal were causing a few more problems to the Town defence, as they (well, Bergkamp mainly) began to seek out the big open spaces behind, and between, the Town full-backs and midfield. This resulted in some crosses, but no action or danger. Coyne even caught a couple of corners. No worries mate!

Around the 67th minute Town had two opportunities, one exceedingly golden, with a cherry on top too. Boulding was brought down about 25 yards out, near the right corner of the Arsenal penalty area (or cynically scythed down by Keown the assassin, depending on how one-eyed you viewed the game). Willems floated in the free kick to beyond the far post, where Broomes and Groves awaited. Groves (I think) headed back across goal to Jevons, unmarked seven yards out, slap bang in the centre. Glory beckoned, the crowd rose expectantly. Jevons launched himself horizontally and volleyed the ball six yards over the bar with his right shin. The crowd sat down slowly, heads in hands, some with hands in head. No excuse for the shaven-headed scouser, he should have scored, as all the Arsenal defence, and goalkeeper, were frozen in fear, waiting for the ball to go in.

A couple of minutes later Town won another free kick on the Arsenal right, about 30 yards out. Willems again floated the ball to beyond the far post where Broomes steamed in and headed a few inches over the angle of post and cross bar, from about six yards out.

For 15 or so minutes in the second half Town bossed play, tapping out a rhythm, playing keep ball. All very pleasant, and inwardly satisfying, but no end product. There was nothing at all created from the wings, and no movement from them either, which meant Burnett kept holding on to the ball, waiting for someone to pass to. And there was rarely anyone. There was a short spell where Burnett kept making late runs forward from midfield (like Cockerill and Groves used to) but the final pass (usually from Neilson) never came.

During the same period Boulding was twice, within a minute, flagged for offside when sent free. The crowd moaned, but he probably was offside, as the passes were delayed too long. You could see the Town player look at Boulding, look down to his own feet, then think, then pass forward. It simply enabled the Arsenal defence to see what was about to happen and step up. This was a period of near domination by Town, and no goal, not even a shot on target. Déja flippin' vu, eh?

The last 20 or so minutes were mostly Arsenal as Town left gaps and visibly tired. The game changed around the time Butterfield made a right hash of controlling the ball twice within a minute. The second one (where he allowed the ball to dribble out of play when he was free on the touchline) brought an ominous sound forth. A dismissive, angry yell that rippled across the Clock End. At that moment the crowd publicly turned on him, with many furiously demanding he be taken off. So now a catalogue of Arsenal chances.

Let's start with the goal. The Town defence mucked about, playing short one-twos, finally passing to Willems as Arsenal players pressed in numbers. Willems tried to turn but was hustled off the ball as it trickled towards Pennant, about 30 yards out in the centre. He immediately passed the ball out into a big gap behind Chapman into which Bergkamp had oozed. Bergkamp whipped in a cross to the centre of the goalmouth, just to the right of centre and Wiltord headed firmly past Coyne. Game definitely over now and Town fans started to drift away in ones and twos, deflated, dispirited and defeated. The big screen replay of the goal suggested Wiltord may have been offside. They only showed the replay once. I wonder why. Still, it made no difference, just flattered the Arsenal.

Other Arsenal chances? Must I? Bergkamp drifted in from the left and, from 20 yards, hit a low right-footed shot a yard wide of Coyne's right-hand post. One of their substitutes, one of many with names which may have emerged from a Scrabble bag, did an exact copy of that Bergkamp shot, drifting in from their left and shooting a yard or so wide. And then the top Town moment.

After Neilson had given the ball away and been roasted and toasted (with a crunchy cheese topping) Aliadiere (Scrabble bag boy) hit a low shot from 20 yards which skipped over Groves' heels and travelled towards the bottom right-hand corner of the goal. Coyne threw himself horizontally across and parried the ball away for a corner. He even caught the corner when it came in. In the last minute or two another one of the substitutes (Halls, how unusual an Anglo-Saxon name on their team sheet) ran onto a Bergkamp low cross from their right and, from about 12 yards out at the near post, swept the ball across the face of the goal and just wide. Oh, and Bergkamp spun and twisted past Groves in the penalty area on the Town right, got to the bye-line and crossed into the centre of the goal mouth. Little Ben leapt (perhaps like a salmon) and headed the ball over the bar.

I probably overlooked a couple of Arsenal shots, but you, and I, don't care about that. As far as Town goes, there was one more effort and, hold on to your functional headwear, it was on target. We made their keeper touch the ball with his hands. A triumph and something to tell your grandchildren on a future festive occasion.

With about six or seven minutes left Campbell (finally he did something) dribbled down the left, cut in and, from somewhere near the edge of the penalty area, curled a soft shot across the keeper, who fell slowly like rotting timber to his left and easily caught the ball at shoulder height. Jevons had a shot a couple of minutes later which hit a combination of Boulding and their right-back, and plopped into a space behind them. Keown ran over and cleared before Boulding could react. There were a couple of half interesting moments with crosses from the Town right (Butterfield managed to cross to the far post where Campbell was just beaten to the ball by the full back) but nothing else. We did play some pretty football around the half way line though!

Two minutes of added time, no more casualties. Game over, Town fans gave a polite and loudish applause to the players who looked crestfallen and a little sheepish. Wiltord took his shirt off and handed it to Broomes, sprinting away before Broomes had a chance to reciprocate. Groves lingered to applaud the remaining Town fans, as did Coyne, Jevons and Broomes. Then they went, and so did we.

Overall the result may have slightly flattered Arsenal, 2-1 may have been a more accurate reflection on the flow of play. But so what, Town are out of the cup, let's hope were not down in the league. Ah, hope, there was a twinkling of some here. There was a return to the old way of playing (at least in the middle of the pitch) with one-touch passing and movement. Pity there wasn't some movement down the flanks. Oh for Gilbert and Childs to return. Or Oster. Town had some style, a pattern, a modus operandi – and that's not something we've seen for a long, long time. Any notion that Butterfield is a Premiership class player should be firmly sunk in concrete, buried in a mineshaft and secured with barbed wire. No, no, no, no, no. He was the worst player on the pitch, by far. Get him back to right-back (to replace the floundering bull seal that is Nielson). Boulding was easily negated once the (remember, international) centre-backs had seen his pace.

It was not difficult to see why each Arsenal player had been handed a contract; they were bigger, stronger, faster and all were able to read the game – they made many interceptions simply by observing the Town players. They had been coached well and were able to follow those instructions. They'd be pushing for a play-off place in division one ('cos they weren't that good). But they had Bergkamp and, if the memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime, then he won't remember this. His brain still works, but his legs don't.

This game was a minor detail of history, not a life changing event. Forgeddaboudit.

At least Barnsley lost. Roll on Man City (let's hope so).

Man of the Match
A very tricky one this. The leaping salmon, of course, is high up on the list. He was not roasted by Pennant like he was by Little last Friday, and displayed calmness and some spatial awareness inside the Town penalty area. Groves was solid, reliable and generally coped well with Bergkamp. Willems, despite his shooting and the mucking about for the second goal, played well and, with Burnett, more than matched the two Arsenal central midfielders (Inamoto and the, frankly, useless Van Bronckhorst). However the man of the moment was Marvellous Marlon Broomes, who concentrated all match, and was therefore, an impassable monument. Pace, power, perception. Perfect.

Official Warning
Mr Dermot Gallagher
No complaints, apart form a couple of overhasty decisions where he gave Town a free kick, rather than advantage. Didn't give a penalty, didn't book anyone, didn't get in the way. Didn't have a lot to do, so didn't. Unfussy. 7.6 out of 10. Best so far this season.