Cod Almighty | Diary
I can't believe it's not butter
24 October 2023
An episode of nineties TV show Seinfeld once had the titular character turn down the opportunity of a threesome. His justification was that he didn't want to become an 'orgy guy':
Don't you know what it means to become an orgy guy? It changes everything. I'd have to dress different. I'd have to act different. I'd have to grow a moustache and get all kinds of robes and lotions and I'd need a new bedspread and new curtains I'd have to get thick carpeting and weirdo lighting. I'd have to get new friends. I'd have to get orgy friends...Naw, I'm not ready for it.
This evening Town get a chance to collect a much-needed three points and see football orgy guys Colchester United in the flesh so to speak. Yes, that Colchester, who are somehow still in the league in spite of their very best efforts. The 'U's sacked another manager after the home defeat by Harrogate on Saturday. Daubney couldn't tell you his name, things like 'Colchester United Manager' aren't worth committing to memory for several reasons, but primarily because he was their fourth in just over a year. You see, just like threesomes apparently, once you start sacking managers there's no turning back.
A brief lurk on their social media confirms the worst suspicions: a fanbase eagerly swiping through the same Tinder profiles as orgy friends Bradford and Gillingham. "Harris, have we had him yet?" "Oh the Cowleys, they are GORGE!" "Paulo di Canio? I'd take him, he said he's just a facist, not a racist". The orgy lifestyle isn't cheap either. The club overdraft bloats with each new squeeze and the dozen players he brought in from Merthyr Tydfil's academy.
Don't read any of this as Daubney being for or against Paul Hurst, even if Colchester's questionable lifestyle leaves them sitting proudly in 23rd. Or leaves Bradford and Gillingham bailing out water far below their self-perceived stations. If you've read my recent diaries or those of my colleagues you will know that no one at Cod Almighty is cracking on looking forward to the next game of Town 0 AFC Muttonchops 1.
What would it matter what my opinion is? I don't want a trigger-happy clown in charge listening to my ramblings. Fans create so much noise it is difficult for anything valid to be actually heard by owners. Any accurate criticism of a run of three wins in eighteen games is lost because at Town, like every other club, there are fans who want to sack the manager when we go two games without scoring.
Ironically, a criticism of the Town owners is that one of them is a Guardian-writing lily-liver who hasn't got the balls to sack a manager like other chairmen. Come on, we've got the same chants, same bantz as every other club, can't we at least have different owners? Aren't they showing they have bigger balls to hang on in there when they're being told otherwise? If only they had the Colchester chairman's massive balls, eh. Like Buster Gonad, he carries his around in a wheelbarrow, the same one the club accountant uses to carry their unfeasibly large interest payments to the bank.
Looking at tonight's visitors is a reminder that sacking the manager isn't a magic bullet. It should be done after all other options have been exhausted, when the gaffer's mortgaged all his hotels and used at least three get out of jail free cards. Even then you should probably hand him the dice to try roll a double six. BTW, did any one else have their own little Monopoly rules, like putting all the fines on Free Parking instead of the bank? Many a game turned on the back of landing on that. Get in.
And this week could be a double six for Paul Hurst. Daubney makes loads of predictions but they usually stay in his head, safe from scorn. This week's run out in the Tuesday slot has prompted me to lose reason and break that rule. Tonight we stuff Colchester. Probably assisted by a rare ref gaff in our favour and/or freak wind-assisted own goal. Then we will beat Donny. Probably with some sort of goal in injury time in front of the travelling fans. Again.
You see, us football fans are a fickle lot. Sure there are some who have pushed their chips into the centre of the table (their poker chips obviously, not their chippy tea chips, that would be plain madness) and carved the #HurstOut hashtag in stone. Two wins would just be papering over the cracks and all. They'd also have us looking up the league and the majority not caring a jot as they admire the floral patterns in the wallpaper.
Colchester have their under-21 coach in the Dave Moore role and that's as much as I'm prepared to find out. For us, Harry is suspended for a five card trick. Gav Holohan is an injury doubt and Alex Hunt is currently the fans choice for the Sean McAllister Scholarship, becoming better every game that passes without selection. Roll on 7.45pm and three points.
UTM.