Cod Almighty | Diary
My Old Testament beard is looking a bit Rolf Harris
27 October 2023
Britain has lost 73 million birds over the last 50 years. What has this got to do with football? Well, nothing really. Just thought I'd remind you that the UK's ecosystems are crumbling. I was hoping it might take your mind off the fact that yet again GTFC are at the arse end of the fourth division and look set to be involved in another pissing relegation battle. Also, wars.
Count your blessings/whataboutery never seems to work though, does it? There are a million things in the world more important than our beloved little group of stripeys, yet when a Colchester United specimen bobbled in a deflection to win the game on Tuesday night I cared little about any of them. Indeed, in that moment if someone had asked me whether I wanted world peace or the ball to hit the post I would have chosen the latter.
The first thing that happens when we have a bad run is that our fans start shouting and throwing things at each other. Anyone daring to have a look at the notorious battlefield of The Fishy message board at the moment will witness a scene of verbal carnage as former friendships and alliances lie in tatters. Normal.
The thing about the internet is that it puts everyone in the world together in a big squabble pot. In the old days a 33-year old would not listen to an 11-year old's opinion about childcare. A Brummie traffic warden would not argue about gun control with a cowboy from Arizona. A radical feminist collective would not get involved in a heated debate with a taxi driver from Walsall called Terry. Everyone who wants a discussion now has to fight off people without the knowledge and background to make a serious contribution.
Football is one of the few places where pretty much everyone, as long as they have watched the matches, is qualified to comment. An 11-year old knows a boring match when he sees one. A taxi driver from Walsall called Terry knows a dodgy referee when he encounters such a specimen. And a radical feminist collective knows when a formation isn't working and it's time for the manager to shake things up a bit. Probably. Football is quantified. You cannot say a defeat is a victory, or a relegation is a promotion. It's there in black and white. We're at the bottom end of the table, and that is bad.
Which is a long-winded way of saying that football is a results business. Now, you may get the impression that CA has an editorial position. And I suppose it does, really, in that most of the writers here are on the same page. I'm not. The CA line seems to me to be that it doesn't matter if we are bottom of the league, or the non-league, or the Isthmian league division seven, as long as the people who work at the club are really nice, actually. That's because the CA writers are the nicest, most reasonable and intelligent bunch of people you will ever meet. Except me. I'm thick as mince.
I would have sacked Paul Hurst after we went to Brighton in last year's FA Cup quarter final with the sole intention of not losing the game by too many. I would never have let him return to the club after he didn't use all his subs during extra-bleeding-time at Wembley in 2015 despite the fact that some of the players could hardly stand. I would have sacked him after one of his post-match interviews last year actually bored my pet cat to death. Football managers get sacked. It's what they do. You can count the managers who didn't end up sacked on the fingers of one finger (Alex Ferguson). You can't be squeamish about doing what is needed. Think about Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now and his vaccination story. Actually don't, that's a bad example.
In other words, if I was successful enough to run a football club (I'm not) I'd do it by emotion, instinct and kneejerk reactions. Would we be higher up the league? Luckily there's no way of knowing.
Football is a rough, tough game and the people in it are rough, tough people. They'll survive whatever happens.
Doubtless we will now beat Doncaster, surge up the table and win the FA Cup, in which case the side-eye I'm doubtless already receiving from other CA contributors will turn to bombastic side-eye and then outright derision. I'd love that because it would mean we were doing well. I really want the club to do well. I love the blasted thing.
Doncaster are actually named after CA contributor 'Donk' which is an interesting fact few realise. When the fixtures were announced I planned to go, but I'm not feeling in the mood at the moment. And it's drizzling. And winter is coming. Is it too soon to say "bah humbug?" Yes? In that case, Happy Halloween everybody! Yikes! Scubbydubby doo!