Cod Almighty | Diary
Slough, Slough, Slough, Slough, Slough, Unbelievable!
3 November 2023
Yet again it's time to experience the magic of the FA Cup but, amazingly, despite finishing fifth in last year's competition we still have to go right back to the first round to fight it out with the likes of Slough and Scunthorpe. Oh, hang on. Scunthorpe are already out. That figures.
I'm told by my secret sources that caretaker manager Ben Davis has been referred to as Benji, rather mysteriously, on Twitter this week. Perhaps this is an attempt to endear him to our lefty, tree-hugging, yoghurt-knitting owners as messageboard Clarksons like to refer to them.
It's a very strange thing about right-wing idiots – as soon as another human shows any compassion for anyone or anything else, they get accused of knitting yoghurt. Want to save the planet? Yoghurt knitter. Think wealth should be more evenly distributed? Yoghurt knitter. Have the opinion that gender and sexual equality are essential in a functioning society? Get out of here, ya great loony leftie yoghurt knitter. As for being a tree hugger, I'd certainly rather hug a tree than a Tory.
Hopefully the Caretaker Manager Formerly Known as Ben Davies will pick his strongest side for Sunday's clash, which will be a treat for Town fans because we will finally get to find out what it is. Slough town – mysteriously nicknamed 'The Rebels' – are currently fourth from bottom in the Conference South after drawing loads of games and not winning enough. Hmm. We know another team like that don't we children?
Looking at that table it's nice to see Truro City are still going. I read a news story a few years ago that said they were about to go out of business because they owed £65,000 to someone. The biggest football team in the whole of Cornwall were going out of business because they owed £65,000 whilst at the top level players were being paid that much just to wear branded shin pads. The inequality is ridiculous. Oh, hang on, I'm knitting yoghurt again.
Slough is the kind of place where you'd only visit with your kidnappers, but I do remember having to drive through there once and seeing a multi-storey car park with a small alcove containing a church. The planners had obviously decided that they needed the car park but felt they'd better save the church to keep the yoghurt knitters happy, so had simply left a little space for it amongst the towering concrete pillars. Can anyone from Slough confirm this is real, or is it the Mandela effect at work? Or – even harder to believe - is my famously faulty memory faulty?
Slough was immortalised as a good target for nuclear bombs in the famous John Betjeman poem, but in fairness to the wretched place it's no worse than a lot of places in Britain. For example, Goole. The entire East End of London. Reading. In a number of places the dark triad of planners, developers and builders have made a lot of Britain almost comically ugly so picking on poor old Slough seems a little harsh. There are even those who have suggested that parts of our own beloved home town aren't that scenic. Incredible.
The period between managers is always a weird time, like the time between Christmas and New Year. What's going on? Where are we going? Are there any Quality Street left? It's the footballing equivalent of an existential crisis. We like to feel the cruise ship has a captain even if there are loads of crew members who know pretty much what they are doing in an emergency. Our beloved leaders, having laid down their knitting needles for a moment, have told us to trust in the process and wait however long it takes to get someone in the building. I'd rather they did it quickly because I get the uncomfortable feeling we're heading towards an iceberg at the moment. Aren't Shreddies knitted by grandmas? That doesn't really belong in this paragraph but it just occurred to me. A family could knit their own breakfast if they were left-leaning enough.
We have sold out our allocation and hopefully our wonderful awayday tribe will add a little Grimsby charm and laughter to the Slough of Despond on Sunday. Who knows, we might even win! Good luck to everyone going, and if you see that church, let me know.