Cod Almighty | Diary

Some soothing 'erbs

1 March 2024

Hello. BOTB here.

Hopefully you’re not reading this hoping for an in depth analysis of the club accounts, published this week, because that’s not my scene. And I don't like Star Wars. To me looking at something like that is like reading Ulysses but with numbers. Luckily we have businessy types who wear sensible suits and clean shirts writing for CA. Doubtless they will be able to tell you what on earth is going on, monetary-wise.

One thing I could gather is that we generated a record breaking revenue of £6.3 million which, sadly, plucky little ex GTFC manager Paul Hurst decided to spend in the outpatients department of the local leg hospital. Cuh dear. And now the relegations are once again a-loomin’ and Eastleigh can be seen on the horizon. Hi Eastleigh!

But no. It’s not over yet. Tomorrow the Stripeys, fresh from conceding (at a rough count) 56 goals in their last five home games, take on our likeliest relegation rivals - the Forest Greens - at BP. A victory would put us 6 points clear of the Vegan Valiants, as they might like to be known, with games in hand, which we will of course win given our superb form. Its going to be a big crowd, and given the importance of the game the Veganites may break their current away following record of eight (EIGHT).

I think our best bet is to get on the ref’s back from the off, basically. Come on, ref. We’ve got 7000 people against a transit van full of new age dreamers in the stadium. Do you want to be popular or not? If a vegan leg is outstretched in the area and Danny Rose goes over it, give a penalty. Do that and I promise I’ll give you a good review on Trip Advisor. Haha. Me funny joke.

Someone stole all my blankets today. I phoned my house insurer and they told me I wasn’t covered. What? Ok. Back to football.

Has anyone noticed how much Neil Warnock now looks like Dracula after being exposed to sunlight?

Manager-wise, the Vegan Boys recent slight upturn in form is doubtless due to the influence of newish boss supremo old Steve Cotterill. Steve has managed about 87 league teams with various degrees of success, but can undoubtedly be considered a Big Name by fourth division standards. They are a very big team, very direct, but catching some arbitrary highlights from this season out of the corner of my eye their defenders seem highly prone to panicking and kicking people in high stress situations.

If only we had an impish centre forward who likes to wind defenders up. Oh hang on. Danny! The VVVB’s will be hoping that under Cotterill they will not only stay in the league but revive the spirit of the club’s greatest moment, when they won the FA Vase against Rainworth Miners Welfare in 1982.

I was playing the over 50s jogging football the other week. I had a good chance to score but put it straight at the keeper. As I looked up I saw a man standing behind the goal watching me. It was Grimsby Town manager Dave Your Tel. I can’t help but think I missed two opportunities that day. One to score and one to be the oldest player ever to play for Grimsby Town. Should have given the keeper the eyes and put it to his left.

Since I failed to impress that day Your Tel will have to rely on his injury, illness and car crash riddled squad to do the business against the Fruitymen. I’m kind of resigned to things now. I’ve come over all zen about relegation. If you want me I’ll be in the back of the Pontoon, meditating.

I think that’s the best option. Whatever happens tomorrow, and I have a feeling it might not be pretty, Spring is on the way. Daffodils. Sunshine. Relax, Smell some soothing ‘erbs.

Ommmm. That’s better. UTM