Cod Almighty | Diary

We piss on your fish — but only after the government has dumped on them first

25 April 2024

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of talking about this season. Like the vast majority of those that preceded it, it didn’t go to plan. We all spent a lot of money last summer, and we all feel a bit short-changed this summer.

Just like buying shares, spending money to follow Town is a risk; we know the value of our investment could go up or down depending on factors beyond our control.

This analogy is going to take us nowhere, though, because we’re not looking to make investments in other teams. Those that do are glory supporters and, if you think about it, they ‘buy’ shares at precisely the worst time.

Take your West Yorkshire Diary’s nephew, for example. A few years ago he decided to support Manchester United, bless him, when their stock was probably at a historic high. If he were to defect and support another side now, he’d be selling at a record low, and he’d have to suck up a substantial loss.

But football isn’t a series of cold, heartless, monetary transactions for anyone but the oligarchs and conglomerates that ruin — sorry, run — the sport. Our currency is emotion. We measure moments in how they make us feel, which is why supporting lower league clubs will always make you richer than supporting top-league clubs — who can enjoy zenith-like periods of achievement and reach the pinnacle of the game, but who will never truly know what it’s like to travel hundreds of miles to Southampton on a Tuesday night as a fourth division club and win an FA Cup fifth round tie.

Also, the decision to invest in the Mariners isn’t a decision at all. In almost all cases, it’s bequeathed and inherited, like a family heir loom passed down from generation to generation.

Following the paternal line of our family tree, my son is the first to be born outside of Grimsby and Cleethorpes since the family moved to the area from Heacham, Norfolk, in the 1840s when the docks opened. He will grow up with only a fraction of affection for the town(s), so the only reason he’ll support the Mariners is if he understands what it means to support the Mariners — that is, history, family, identity. Not glory.

Annoyingly, as a six-year-old, glory is the only language he understands. Actually, that’s not true. He also understands the word ‘piss’, and he’s delighted when a rendition of ‘We piss on your fish’ reverberates around Blundell Park. So, if that’s what gets him to come along to matches, for now, then I’m all for it.

Town’s opponents on Saturday are Crawley, who are marginally more likeable these days (and I do mean marginally) given the presence of Danilo Orsi in their squad. They’ll be looking to creep their way into the play-offs with a win over Town on Saturday, but even that won’t do if hopelessly-out-of-form Barrow defeat already-promoted Mansfield. Town don’t tend to be in the habit of pissing on bonfires or raining on parades these days, so expect us to roll over and have our tummies tickled.

Having said that, Town’s head-to-head record against the Reds is satisfyingly symmetrical at five won, five lost, five drawn, nineteen scored and nineteen conceded. And people are saying Colchester and Crewe will play out a draw.

UTM!