Cod Almighty | Diary

Driller Thriller

3 July 2024

They seek him here, they seek him there, round the bespoke boutiques of Riby Square. Where is our newly rebranded Newbegin Diarist? Lost in the post, it's a metaphor for Broken Britain, but that's privatisation for you. Don't worry, it'll all be different after tomorrow.

And so, on International Plastic Bag Free Day, your Emergency Replacement Last Minute Last Ditch Dashed Off Deviant Diary is here to forgive our missing man. But not those Three Raggedy Lions, oh no. Oh no, England are back to being England again.

Look at it this way, we're simply reverting to an older, gentler England, where old maids are forever cycling to an unholy communion of tutting in the beer gardens of Albion – these are not only fragments, but characteristic fragments of the English scene.

For our younger readers – This Is England. This is how it feels to be lonely, this is how it feels to be bored, this is how it feels when your central midfield does nothing at all.

Ah, I know what you're thinking - The Inspiral Carpets, very much the Swinging Blue Jeans of the Madchester scene.

How did you survive the Armageddon of hope that is watching Our Boys? I spent the game googling a single word in all the languages of the countries competing in the Euros. If you're going to heckle the telly then do it with respect, in their own lingo.

The printable word was pants.

More importantly for you, yes you, and me, yes me, things are still happening in the land of the merry Mariners: more new drainage at Cheapside! Yes it's Tractorwatch 2: Tiller Filler on the Youz Tubez. And? Hang on whilst I look behind the sofa…woah, wait, here it is…newly-crowned velvet voice of the Mariners Mr Matt Dean applied some Polly filler to the…oh you knew that already. Urm, ah, look over there on that Zocial Mediaz: men jogging and joshing in a Portakabin. Is that Janet McCameron in the sunshine and the shadows having finally arrived to swap the Derry air for the beautifully sparkling and tranquil waters of the Humber? It is, it is! For young Cammyboy the Pyewipe was calling after all.

Tickets for the York friendly. They are on sale. And the Grimsby Borough one too. Not that you'd know if you looked on the Town website. We're not all on Twitter, you know.

That's all the news there is and it's old news. We need new news. In the meantime, there's an interview with Martin Gritz over on the VFTF podcast.

England? My money's on Ivan Toby.