Cod Almighty | Diary

The case of the dire auguries

30 July 2024

Never in the long years of my association with Sherlock Holmes have our spirits been transformed so abruptly as on that fine morning late in July when the case of the dire auguries began.

We had been speculating idly on the unforeseen circumstances which could have led to the postponement of a pre-season fixture. When I suggested that perhaps Alfreton's stadium was hosting a conference of clairvoyants, Holmes ejaculated: "Capital, Watson, you are the one fixed point in a world that is always changing. Why, I believe my brother Mycroft told me that joke when I was a young child." He was still laughing when Mrs Hudson entered with a large yellow package, addressed to Holmes.

The contents were grotesque: a medallion made of tin; a return railway ticket to Ebbsfleet; a memorandum of regulations concerning the FA Trophy; and, strangest of all, a rare paean of praise for the perspicacity of Football League referees. There was also a note. "Mr Holmes, each day for the last four days one of these items has been posted through my door, affixed to a label on which is written the single word 'Beware'. The police say that they are powerless to act, but I am at my wit's end to know what action to take. I shall call in 20 minutes to consult with you. Yours, Hercules Holdoak"

Holmes frowned for some minutes at the contents. "This is a concerning development, Watson. I fear someone's mental balance is in peril. I have just time to take steps." With that he disappeared into his bedroom and I heard him cranking up his steam-powered, bakelite tablet before typing with decisive speed. He had just completed his task and was returning to our sitting room when our client was shown in.

"Your case is a worrying one, Mr Holdoak, but I have taken measures to address the immediate concern. Your unfortunate delieveries are the work of my would-be rival, Pilchard Gateau. After hearing about their last two warm-up games, he is intending to relay the peril of Grimsby Town being relegated. I have warned him many times of the signal dangers of theorising ahead of the facts, but he remains oblivious. Reasoning with him is futile, but fortunately I have an associate at CrowdStrike who agreed to act. I am sure you will agree that silencing the world's computer networks is a small price to pay for muting the voices of a few nesbits when they show signs of turning angry words into deeds.

"Besides, it is Tuesday today and Grimsby are playing Rotherham United. With our laptops unresponsive, we will be spared Newbegin's tortuous efforts to dwell on old history and work a tale about Jack Bestall into Cod Almighty's supposedly topical diary."