Cod Almighty | Article
by Michael Shelton
27 February 2006
My father, as any who meet him will confirm immediately, is heavily bald. Perhaps because I derive from this a deep-rooted psychological attraction to hair, perhaps because of my unhealthy obsession with the Mariners, perhaps due to being slightly more observant than your average table spoon, I've always paid attention to the hairstyles of Grimsby Town footballers. And so I present, in no order of chronology or footballing greatness, my all-time top five Grimsby Town haircuts since I first started going to Town matches with any regularity in 1996.
Where to begin but with my Grimsby idol: Mr Clive Mendonca. Super Clive sported a neat, dark, front to back effort which hinted at receding from the right. This was attempted, but never quite mastered, by another man in my top three Town players: John McDermott. Sir John was immaculate in his front to back ideology and close in his dark-toned thinking. Unfortunately Macca groomed his hair in the mirror, making the uncharacteristic schoolboy error of aiming his recedence to the left.
Anyone thinking two legends are sufficient to qualify this as a legendary haircut will be swiftly brought back to earth by a glimpse of the awful effort made by a Mr B Laws, who tried to recede both left and right but couldn't quite pull it off. Needless to say, Brian's hair wasn't the only thing he couldn't manage.
Next in my list is the egg. The first person I remember attempting this was the great Alan Buckley, who got it wrong from the start by actually having hair. Still, the tone was set for many hard-boiled heads to come. Few Town fans will recall that yard-dog supreme Stacy Coldicott sported an atrocious effort when he joined Town, with altogether far too much hair. Luckily, Stace saw the error of his ways as his Grimsby career progressed, and as time wore on he developed the perfect egg.
Not to be outdone by any player, manager Russell Slade presented a superb chicken-laid bonce in time for his addition to the Grimsby Town payroll. One other yolky top was never likely to be enough for the new boss, who promptly signed Andy Parkinson to bolster the omelette.
My third all-time favourite GTFC hairdo was sported, coincidentally, by the third man in my Town top three - the man whose forename all Town fans will instantly recognise. Ivano had a mop of unruly, impressive brown hair which embodied every ounce of the flair he demonstrated so effortlessly on the pitch.
With his unbelievable hero attraction it was only a matter of time until other Town players tried to imitate the great man. Indeed, two members of the current team have impressionist mimics incorporating their own on-pitch characters. Michael Reddy's pace and slippery skills are reflected in his sleek and greasy Bonetti-ism, and the recently departed Martin Gritton's perceived apathy towards the idea of running fast after the ball is clearly reflected in the entire lack of effort made over his appearance.
And so, with the pressure mounting as we progress to the conclusion of my countdown, it's time for the modern footballing phenomenon referred to so brilliantly by Mr Tony Butcher as the haystack. While this style quickly became a cliché with professional footballers throughout the whole world, spare a moment to consider with me the excellent commitment to hair shown by Colin Cramb. Despite being short of a bob or two, Mr Cramb shelled out on an incredible haystack administered, no doubt, by a highly skilled and ultra-expensive hairdresser. The trendyness of the 'stack' was not lost on Ronnie Bull, who tried his best but eventually failed due to having clearly un-blonde ginger hair.
As the more numerate among you will have realised, all that remains is my single all-time bestest favouritest Mariners haircut. This brilliantly conceived and incredibly comedic way of sporting hair was adopted shamelessly by one of the many exciting but ultimately disappointing players I have seen in my years as a Town fan.
But first a little background info. Menno Willems was signed by Lennie Lawrence direct from Vitesse Arnhem. The lanky Dutchman had a frightening powerful left foot and equally frightening bright yellow hair. Despite never even remotely realising his massive potential as a player for Town, Mr Willems certainly attained his potential for superb hair at the very end of the 2001 season. Ladies and gentlemen, for my number one Grimsby Town hairstyle I present to you... the Menno!
Our thanks to thisisgrimsby.co.uk for permission to use all the photos in this article