Cod Almighty | Article

by Various

1 February 2025

From Guardian writers and Guardian readers tales of woe and wonder in the wilds of Sarf Laandon. And THAT match.

What about the Bromley contingent?

We’ve only played them four times: won two, lost two, two games postponed, so slim pickings for a digested retrospective of our meetings with the Ravens. You'd think so, wouldn't you, but we've packed so much into those four matches, with noises off. That'd be Gareth Southgate's best man still rumbling and grumbling about something or other, perhaps still a bit miffed by Kevin Donovan's swinging hips at Wembley in 1998. Well, yeah, there was a foul and an offside in the build-up. It was kismet, not witchcraft. You could even say it was all cobblers.

Well, it was Northampton.

But what is Bromley?

Our Rough Guider, Baz Whittleton, trawled the internet to find "a team of Morris Dancers founded in 1947 and the Green Midget Cafe, made famous as purveyors of spam, being located in the town". Whether the streams crossed and the Morris Dancers ate spam in the café is not reported by the Columbo of Cod Almighty, but he did trawl the deepest recesses of local history to find a connection between our two towns:

"Anyone with any street credibility knows one fact about Bromley. They sold the best pop from a truck in 1970s Grimsby, before Corona came along and nothing was the same again."

Football? They've been doing it for years, but mostly down dark roads we never dreamed we'd wander. Before our first encounter with these mysterious Sarf Lahndon creatures in August 2015 Steve Bierley reminisced about his early days in journalism:

"I used to work on the Kentish Times, where one of my jobs was to cover Bromley in the Isthmian League. Mr Big Man was the chairman Charlie "K" who, prior to the war, had been a painter/decorator of no great wealth. Bromley used to get fairly big crowds and, on what I shall call the far side, there was an entrance with no turnstile but a large bucket(s) which Charlie often manned. Post-war, he became an extremely wealthy man."

Charlie Bucket, he's a character, aw-right!

The games? It may be always sunny in Philadelphia but for Town it's always a dark and stormy night when we play at Hayes Lane.

After a postponement for a frozen plastic pitch in 2016 Paul Ketchley watched Town triumph during the dregs of storm Imogen. "A hard, cold rain fell on the assembling fans huddling under the shelter." A shelter? Luxury! We didn't get that in THAT match in 2021, again a rearranged fixture after a bout of Cheapside Covid, before which our Diarist just asked for a little perspective:

"The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley"…the first of the new season, the first competitive game we'd have been able to attend in over 16 months has been postponed due to positive Covid tests in the Town squad.
…all the 'who loses and who gains' calculations are paltry. So too the name-calling. This is not just about Town. The postponement is worse than just an inconvenience, but let's not put on the blinkers of self-pity."

Where would football be without one-eyed self-pity!

Ah yes, THAT game has taken on something of a mythical quality – almost to the point where people who weren't there like to suggest that they were. Distinctly I remember it was in not-so-bleak September that we were due to play the Ravens of Bromley.

Oh what a night it was, three seasons in a day and three games in two halves in a match that had just about everything. Except a roof for the away fans. It all started so well for Town as our reporter reported. Big John scored just before half time:

"McAtee and the entire Town team ran as one, not to us fans jigging on the concrete jungle, but straight to the septic tank opposite. Are we taunting their plumbing?"

It was all going terribly well, but then in the distance "Harmful elements in the air, symbols clashing everywhere with lightning flashes over Crystal Palace way."

The heavens opened and so did our defence.

"Deep into that darkness peering, long we stood there wondering, fearing, as Trotter and Alabi, those grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt ominous birds of yore, bounded on. Duck and cover! Here comes the rain, here comes the pain. The Cheeky boys ran as one, not to their fans hiding beneath their bus shelter, but straight to the soaked mass of Mariners."

The pain in the rain continued.

"A roar as a Raven hit the floor, Efete sent off but what for? Who knows, it was just curtains of rain. And curtains for Town. Mayday. Mayday. Send a lifeboat, we're swimming on the terrace and sinking on the pitch. As we peered behind the upturned umbrellas we noticed the game was still going on. How long left? Always far too long."

A long ball mess up, a massive long shot and "one by one the travelling Townites left the ark, forming a snake of saturated sadness shuffling back to the station. We know we are, we're sure we are, we're Grimsby 'til we're dry.”

A wet and wretched experience for those who were there, but with the passing of time Miss Guest Diarist offered a little perspective as she pondered at the end of last season:

"Watching the play-off game on Sunday was a curious experience as I was seriously conflicted about who I wanted to win. I began by thinking only in terms of my experience of the away fixtures during our promotion season in 2021/22….

…Bromley was a game of firsts. My first time at Hayes Lane, the first time I've seen an entire opposition team run to celebrate a goal in front of the Town crowd instead of their own fans, the first time I've feared I might drown at a football match. It was so wet that, despite hanging my jeans over the shower rail in the hotel and going at them with a hairdryer they were still damp the following morning.

But there are some things for which I was grateful: a first trip outside the East Midlands after lockdown, involving a first train journey and first overnight stay, made it feel as if life was getting back to normal. I can vividly recall sitting in the plaza outside Kings Cross Station the following morning, drinking coffee and enjoying the experience of simply being alive. The result? Well, in the context of how the season panned out, who cares?

In the end I felt quite content that it will be Bromley who Town face next season”.

Perspective. Contentment.

These are the full versions of the Cod Almighty programme articles for the 2024/25 season. An edited version was published in The Mariner on 21 September 2024.