Cod Almighty | Article

by Various

1 April 2025

No disrepect to the likes of Crewe but we only remember the bad bits.

Who could have predicted Tommy Forecast and Marcus Bignot's Flying Circus? Who couldn't have predicted the end of the line for HS2 and our mutual memories of days in the second tier, where our victories brought tears to the eyes of the landed gentry and nouveau riche arrivistes? 

Ah, but who did predict the arrival of Artellball at our sleepy shores?

Et tu, Crewe

Town and Crewe, formerly, officially, 'overachievers' in the minds of many a metropolitan social media hipster and journeyman journalist, we're occasional brothers in arms in the old "no disrespect to the likes of" routine.

Town v Crewe? No disrespect, but a recurring theme of pre-season diaries is the emotional trauma at the mere thought of the annual Great Crewe Disaster when the fixture list comes out. Which one? So many to choose from in the 20 years from 1998. The last few years, well, that's a different story, we'll come to that later.

The towns, the football clubs, we used to be contenders. Second tier football teams, plans for renewal and resurrections, the future was tantalisingly bright. Mike Worden's Rough Guide in 2006 may have lamented their ground being so far from Crewe's civilisation, but there was hope in the heart of every Crewite:

“Unfortunately for the visitor, the station is a fair walk from the town centre and the pubs and eating places around Gresty Road are limited. The government has already announced that the new London-Birmingham HS2 line is to be extended northwards to a brand new transport hub at Crewe, which will transform the immediate area tremendously.”

Chin up, it might still happen, you never know.

We can't wallow in what might have been, but we can wallow in what has been. Games of football, there's been a few.

For 20 years we had nothing, nothing but distractions to keep us amused, such as what colour top the Crewe keeper wore. Was it grape or Ribena?

Back in 2009, which were not the best of times and about to become the worst of times, dear old Crewe were the first home game of the season. A pre-season makeover and home hopes were high for renewal under Mike Newell. The pre-match warm up was a metaphor no-one saw coming:

"As Danny North struck the Menno Willems' memorial strip light at the front of the Pontoon a lonely injured pigeon lay forlornly upon the floor below. No-one helped, people watched and walked away: no one cared. The poor little Pontoon pigeon was left to die.”

All eyes were focused on Forecast, our newly borrowed keeper from a Big Club:

"…tall, exceedingly nervous and with a convict's hairstyle; he looks like a victim waiting to be mugged.”

Appearances can be deceiving. Can't they? Could we have predicted what came next?

"Crewe kicked off towards the Pontoon, the wind blew and Town were carrots in their own stew. Well, Atkinson's not the world's most physical guy, but when Zola squeezed tight he nearly broke Town's spine. Town were flummoxed and Forecast missed a cross; Forecast punched a cross; Forecast flapped a cross; a cross crossed and Forecast watched and the Pontoon got very cross.

Poor Tommy, surrounded by his new friends he stands so silently and unaware of everything."

Standing, staring, glaring, despairing, nightmaring, past caring and then the end. Town 0 Crewe 4

The pigeon survived by the way, unlike Town that year.

Let's gloss over the Great Crewe Disaster of 2017 under Marcus Bignot's Flying Circus. Oh, no, let's not. Literary nonsense or literally nonsense? Well, that was the game our thoroughly frazzled match reporter saw:

"Crewe kicked off towards their six-seater stand. The water it soon came in, it did, the water it soon came in. Some Town fans were still on platform 4. Turn back now!

Though the sky be dark, and the voyage be long, Marcus never can think he were rash or wrong, while round in our sieve we spin.”

We went west and all we got was pile of mouldy old Cheshire cheese: Crewe 5 Town 0.

We didn't know it but the final Great Crewe Disaster was simply the shape of things to come. Back in the late summer of 2019 The Railwaymen choo-chooed into town under an old bruiser centre-back turned bespectacled cerebral manager and what we got was An Education. Michael Jolley's Town were outthought, outfought and outplayed:

"Artell’s cool Cheshire cats have allied physical adequacy to their usual technical superiority. They easily stood up to the half-baked air raids and waltzed around Town's weaknesses at will. Their keeper was suspiciously stuttering when fly-kicking and, when pressed, the defence tended towards slapstick and slice, but boy, oh boy were they a football team.

If this is what Jolley's aiming for then we'll be a happy. They were just better everywhere in every way. It would be lovely if we ended up being like this Crewe."

Four years later, a new world, a new Blundell Park life, and a new Town manager. We all skipped along with a song of hope in our hearts:

"Let the dawn of the new age begin. There's a bright golden haze on the Fitties…"

This Town's got rhythm! Who could ask for anything more:

“The occasional Crewe foray is merely a blip on an otherwise uninterrupted Pontoonward trajectory. A series of Town corners. Town corners are rubbish. Apart from the ones that aren't. Elevation!

How are Town going to waste this one? Glennon tapped to our idling Sudanese swinging winger, standing alone near the corner of the penalty area. Eisa remembered the good old days, shuddered at the thought of Danny La Rue singing a saucy song or Roy Hudd with a ukelele, and simply coiled a dripping dipper into the top left corner. That's the way to do it. He did it, like he used to do it.”

A delightful 3-0 win followed and, post-match, Ol' Blue Eyes felt the wind in his hair; he's seen things you people wouldn't believe, for the future is all about potential:

"Potential's a dangerous word. I've got the potential to be prime minister…I've got a bobble hat."

Unlike his shoes that day, his humour is very dry.

Well, once they had it but now we've got that Artell feeling, a feeling deep inside, oh yeah. Well, everyone's had a hard year, now it's time to have a good time…

These are the full versions of the Cod Almighty programme articles for the 2024/25 season. An edited version was published in The Mariner on 14 December 2024