Cod Almighty | Article

by Various

21 April 2025

Town and Port Vale, like two monochrome peas in a pod during the Buckley/Rudge years, now just two ships that pass in the night. One of us is usually going up or down. Did we really have to remind you of the undynamic duo: Kelly and the Hooperman.

Living in hope

It's Town v Port Vale in easier circumstances than Vale's previous visit in May 2021. With relegation confirmed, they played the role of pallbearers as we fulfilled our final fixture of the season. In contrast, this afternoon finds both sides jostling much further up the table.

Indeed, at time of writing, today's opponents are the only team in the division to have a better away record than Town this season. What Valiant voodoo is this, have they managed to win nine out of their last eight? Try not to worry about that for now, let's distract ourselves with a quick scoot around the Cod Almighty archive.

We go way back to 1892 with Vale but our browser history begins with their visit in 2003 for an August division three encounter. The 2-1 Vale victory featured a second half comeback by the visitors after a Town red card, but the real outrage surrounded the flagrant goalpost abuse on show, as related by our match reporter

"The pre-match entertainment was provided by the two club mascots lumbering around the pitch, rubbing themselves against goalposts and indulging in exaggerated hand movements. The Mighty Mariner kept his award-winning schtick of pelvic thrusting and wood-bothering, while the Port Vale mascot, Boomer the Dog (be careful how you say that in a vaguely Midlands accent), marked out his territory in true canine fashion."

Our relegation that season meant we didn't see Vale or Boomer again until 2009 when they joined us in the basement. We went our separate ways again in 2010, in spite of Vale fan Alan Watson-Jervis's plea to Cod Almighty that January:

"Isn't Division IV sublime? I know that we are both rubbish now, but I solace myself with the knowledge that our two clubs are never far away from one another. I remember your glory days. A flowing and fruitful Division II team; a positive footballing addition to any blade of grass; Alan Buckley MkI etc. I remember ours. Wingers that winged; occasional fifteen-pass moves; John Rudge. Both unfashionable. Of course! Grimsby. Port Vale. Who? Why? How dare they!...
…You cannot go down. You mustn't. Do something! We go back a long way, we two. Don't go now, not while the night is still so middle-aged.

Forget rubbish players - football is governed by magic and the Devil. Let's rip out the goddamn seats and revive! Let's annoy the so-called 'big guns' of Division II with our 6,000 gates, unfashionable venues and wily polonaise!"

Alan's disappointment grew the following year when plucky non-league Town giant-killed Vale in the FA Cup. They hammered us 0-0 at Vale Park as recounted by Pat Bell:

"How did they not win? Let us count the ways.

There are 50 ways to miss the goal, from headers that go wide or high, chips that drift high and shots that are dragged or sliced high and wide and ugly. Port Vale found most of the variants, with Pope's finishing in particular far from (wait for it, wait for it)... infallible."

The prospect of a replay at Blundell Park and a new signing had Miss Guest Diary excited:

“…the first time this century that Town haven't suffered a miserable defeat at Burslem (every one of which I have witnessed)…and the buzz around the signing of Manny Panther - what a fantastic name. From reading his Twitter feed, he seems to be interested in many things outside of football: ranging across the global financial crisis, chocolate addiction, Catholic priests and, most important of all, where to get the best fish and chips."

"I'm bitterly disappointed and embarrassed" was Valiants' boss Micky Adams' reaction. The 1-0 Town win had got him down perhaps? Or his team having to wear Town's red and white third shirt after the ref deemed Vale's grey clashed with our stripes. Vale wouldn't have a problem with wearing red and white would they?"

CA speculated that The Grimsby Reaper might scythe after the defeat but Vale stood by their man and he repaid the faith with promotion in 2012-13. By 2016 we're back in division four and, in 2017, so were Vale. Miles Moss's Rough Guide brought us up to speed, even daring to mention the P word:

"Pottery. There, I've said it. I mean, I was going to try and avoid the subject entirely in this guide, but Burslem and pottery are intrinsically linked. Like many great old industries across the country, the pottery industry ain't what it once was, and there are a good many old buildings which "used to be" something; but I tell you what, there's life in Burslem, with Middleport, Moorcroft, and Burslem potteries still firing."

That season was a struggle for both sides but the long friendship between the two clubs survived swapping Gavin Gunning for Sam Kelly and JJ Hooper. JJ's arrival was greeted by our Original/Regular diarist in typical fashion:

"..among new potential replacements is a lad called JJ Hooper, who's 23 and scored ten goals during his just-finished two-year spell with Port Vale in the third division. JJ Hooper, you will already have observed, sounds like a 1980s TV detective – probably from Chicago or Detroit, though I won't rule out LA. What you won't already have observed is that the JJ part stands for Jonathan James. If the trial leads to a deal, we're singing "his name is a shoe shop" before Saturday's out."

March saw both sides in a must-win Blundell Park relegation twelve-pointer which, err, neither side won. It was Michael Jolley's first game in charge and a penalty save from James McKeown was key in securing a 1-1 draw that would launch a thousand embarrassing post-season DVDs:

"On the half way line, under the Frozen HorseBeer Stand, Clifton chested a chip. An amberite intervened and one crinkle chip later Rose ran into the back of a roaming pest. The referee pointed spotward and a dozen of the less staunch homesters got up and headed for the hills. Tonge wandered towards the ball and placed the penalty firmly and lowly towards the bottom left corner. McKeown glided across the mud, stretched out his left hand and scooped the ball aside. The ground erupted in relief, erupted in belief. There is hope."

There is always hope. The CA match report of that May 2021 fixture was titled Do dead rubber cats bounce? It would appear they do.

These are the full versions of the Cod Almighty programme articles for the 2024/25 season. An edited version was published in The Mariner on 29 December 2024