Cod Almighty | Match Report

by Tony Butcher

17 October 2000

Are you all sitting comfortably. Good, then I'll begin. Today's story starts on a pleasant autumnal night with a faint breeze blowing from the west. Despite the pre-match pump priming by the GET, the crowd was not overly large (unlike the QPR centre-forward, the ironically named Crouch, who is about 6 foot 8) though the Main Stand, Pontoon and Lower Stones/Smiths/ Findus were fuller than Saturday. There were perhaps 150 QPR supporters huddled in little bunches in the Osmond Stand. Town must be their Selhurst Park - no matter what, they always get stuffed. They did occasionally make some noise, as did the Town fans whenever Nielsen moved.

Town lined up in a 4-4-2 formation as follows: Coyne, Butterfield, Gallimore, Groves, Handyside, Donovan, Coldicott, Campbell, D Smith, Allen and Nielsen (doesn't he play for Watford?). The substitutes were Croudson, Burnett, Livingstone, Clare and Jeffrey. Coldicott returned to centre midfield and, therefore, everyone else was where you'd expect them to be. QPR lined up in a sort of fluid 3-4-2-1 formation, which sometimes changed into 4-3-3 and occasionally 5-4-1. Was a random number generator selecting their formation? Up front, their 'No. 1', was Crouch. Just think Ian Ormandroyd on a stick. Go on, guess what QPR's tactics were.

Horror upon horror, the referee was Uriah Rennie, normally a reliably bonkers ref. You may not believe this but he gave every decision to Town, especially when there wasn't a decision to be made. I think Town got some free kicks for "being looked at in a funny way". The linesmen were in on this too as we also got everything from them. Truly weird, eh? Rennie - a raving homer.

1st half
QPR kicked off towards the Pontoon and within 30 seconds our dynamic Dane had brought the crowd to its feet…to see where the ball had gone. Someone knocked a long ball over the QPR left-back, Nielsen sprinted over and, from a similar position to that which Allen hit a stunning volley on Saturday (20 yards to the right of goal, 15 yards out) smashed a dipping volley on to the opposite corner flag.

The first 15 minutes were played at a brisk pace, with Town the brisker by far, almost frisky I'd say. QPR didn't get near Coyne, their only threat being a hoof up to the head of their incredibly stretching man, aka stick-boy. Groves was marking him, but with great difficulty, and ended up retreating and attempting to read the flick ons. This just encouraged Crouch to control the ball on his chest and turn. Several slightly panicky moments were created because of this failed defensive tactic. It was noticeable that Town were far more direct than normal. Of course, in Town terms, this meant they walloped the ball forward hopefully (and often hopelessly) for Allen and Nielsen.

After six minutes Town had the first noteworthy effort of the game. A corner on the Town right, taken by Donovan, was cleared at the near post, but only straight back to the perky wideplayer (he was perky today, rather than pesky). He clipped the ball to just past the near post, about 10 yards out. Nielsen ran from the far post, in a shallow arc, and glanced a header towards the foot of the keeper's left-hand post. A defender swiped the ball off the line and Town didn't do much more after that.

QPR broke away from this corner and took control of the game. This was entirely due to some weak defending by Town, who failed three times to clear crosses. They simply passed the ball back to a QPR player just outside the area. Groves was the major culprit as he seemed to have lost the use of his left leg and lost power in his right. All he could do was scoop the ball away 10-15 yards. All QPR did was send in crosses towards Stick-boy's head. He managed only one header, which Coyne parried away at the foot of his right-hand post. But Rennie gave us a free kick anyway for QPR having too many blonde-haired players, I think. All this pressure resulted in Town retreating closer and closer to Coyne, so something was going to happen, sooner or later the QPR percentages would hit the jackpot.

And their lucky number came up after 17 minutes. Town, as usual, allowed a full-back to curl in a diagonal cross from the QPR left towards Stick-boy near the left-hand corner of the six-yard box. Fortunately Groves just managed to glance the ball away from the onrushing Phalangium opilio (a creature often found in comparatively open habitats and active at night) with a desperate diving header. The resulting corner (their first) was curled slowly inwards. Coyne stayed on his line jumping up and down waving his hands. Handyside stood on the edge of the six-yard box. Gallimore and another defender stood with Connolly about two foot from the goal line, next to the right-hand post. The ball dropped next to Gallimore and Connolly stuck out a leg and tapped the ball in from about a foot. Coyne shouted at everyone, but should not have cast the first stone. It was his to catch, which is why Handyside didn't move. Gallimore wasn't even looking at the ball. A really pathetic goal to concede to yet another mundane and mediocre opposition. The crowd were totally silent. Silent rage. Nothing needed to be said to the players.

The rest of the half was very poor too, although Town did manage to create three half chances. The first was a Groves header from about 10 yards out, just past the far post following a corner on Town's right. Groves headed across the keeper who made a bit of a meal of saving it by diving full stretch to his left. The other two fell, if that is the right word, to Allen. The first came after Nielsen received the ball on the Town left, about 30 yards out. He ran across the defence and tried a low cross shot from about 25 yards out, near the corner of the penalty area. The shot was going well wide, but Allen diverted the ball just past the keeper's left-hand post. The third and final chance was the best of the lot. Groves, 15 yards inside the Town half on the right, hit a low flat 50-yard pass over the centre-backs for Allen to run onto. Allen, right in the centre and just outside the penalty area, hit a first-time volley with the outside of his right foot and the ball flew past the angle of the keeper's left-hand post.

That's it from Town, and QPR produced less. A couple of long shots that didn't cause any trouble to anyone (not even the Pontoonites near the goal) and a few crosses that were dealt with by the defence with varying degrees of comfort and competence. You know the thing, timid tackling and clearances followed by a block or Handyside tackle. Perhaps the most alarming moment was when Coyne had to come off his line and punch the ball away from an attacker on the edge of the six-yard box. I seem to recall Rennie gave us a free kick again (no-one could work out why), but just to be safe Coyne came out and punched the ball away, following through with a clip round the ear for the impudent hoopster.

There isn't anything else to report from the first half. It was disjointed, aimless nonsense. There had been very little passing, though the movement up front had been promising. It was a shame no-one (save Groves' pass to Allen) had sufficient nous or skill. Town's tactics had been quite rudimentary and poorly executed. The game plan seemed to be "Get it forward", and nothing else. So the ball was whacked aimlessly forward, as though Nielsen's pace was enough to get anything flung towards the Osmond Stand. The midfield was a waste of space – for both sides. It was merely a place the ball landed by accident. Creativity? None. Campbell had done a couple of decent runs but generally looked like a small boy. I can't remember D Smith touching the ball at all. The one time I thought he did it turned out to be Campbell (they look alike from 100 yards). Groves had a real struggle to cope with the long, long thing he was marking. On the plus side Nielsen and Allen were energetic and seemed to be making interesting, darting, off-the-ball runs. Handyside was imperious.

Generally, Mike Channon would have been pleased with Town's plenty of 'balls in the box'. However, the quality of delivery did not match the ambitions. Quite simply, Town were rubbish.

The crowd were silently despondent, with much talk of who should be replaced. D Smith and Gallimore were the favourites, but all agreed Livvo had to come on. We were mostly annoyed that we were losing to poor opposition and this time we didn’t have the excuse of a bad/slightly dodgy ref.

2nd half
A change, and a bold one too. Livingstone replaced Campbell and Town changed to a 4-3-3 formation with Nielsen on the right, Allen the left and Livvo straight down the middle. This, of course, meant that our midfield, the engine and powerhouse of the team, was D Smith, Donovan and Coldicott. Such power, such strength, such skill, such height. Best to avoid that area, which is exactly what Town did. "Get it forward" was still our method, only this time it was a method rather than three words strung to together in hope.

Within 30 seconds Livvo had flattened a defender in a firm, fair but fruity challenge. You know when you've been Livvo-ed. Town "got into them" from the start, with balls played very directly up to the front three, rather than hopefully over their heads. Livvo's body proved an immovable object and QPR simply imploded, acting like Southern softies. They, quite literally, didn't like it up 'em.

I will admit that the rest of this report may not be chronologically accurate, so many chances were made that it is difficult to remember them all. The second half was like a blurry dream and I'm not used to having to remember 25 incidents in a game, it's normally five.

After five minutes of exciting play, where QPR were pushed back into their own half, Town won a free kick on the right, about five yards in from the touchline and 15 yards out from goal, for a trip on Nielsen. The boy wonder ran off into the area pumping his fist at the crowd, urging them on; the crowd responded with roars and some cries of "Mariners, Mariners". The ball was flung to the far post where a defender managed to back-head it away to the left edge of the penalty area. Nielsen ran after it, turned and crossed to a position about 12-15 yards out, where Livvo jumped with two defenders.  Livingstone brushed them aside and headed across the keeper into the top right-hand corner of the goal. The keeper got a hand to it, but only his fingertips and couldn't stop it going in. It was more the placing of the header than the power which did for the keeper. Oh yes, the crowd went wild.

But this was just the beginning. QPR were clearly rattled by Town's effervescent start and Town took full advantage, piling forward with incessant raiding. Nielsen terrorised the left side of the defence, Livvo rampaged over the centre and Allen nibbled away on their right. I think the next chance was after Nielsen turned the left centre-back and dribbled down the right, crossed to the far post and Livvo headed firmly down to the foot of the post. The ball bounced into the keeper's hands, though it looked more luck than judgement that stopped it going in. The keeper looked shocked and stunned that the ball was in his hands.

After 54 minutes the crowd got what they had willed, and with knobs on. Yet another Town full frontal assault, this time down the centre left, eventually saw Coldicott free and wide near the edge of the area. The even more shaven-headed terrier (somehow he has managed to shave off hair that wasn't there before) crossed low to somewhere near the back post, about 12ish yards out (in fact almost the same spot that Livvo had scored from). Nielsen, who had created some space for himself by tricking his marker, adjusted his feet and hit a perfect right-footed volley into the top right-hand corner. It was very similar to D Smith's goal at Portsmouth. Pandemonium at the Park and Nielsen broke yet another Town taboo. His goal celebration was not the usual handshake and nod, he sprinted towards the left side of the Pontoon cartwheeled and produced an extravagant back flip and somersault on solid ground (no doubt having been some days in preparation). A perfect six for artistic impression.

The crowd urged the board to pay up that Danegeld now, boy! Which roughly translated as "sign 'im up". Quickly followed by "Walking down the Grimsby Rd, to see the mumble-mumble's aces". The manager's name just doesn't scan well enough to sing the usual songs. On Saturday one lone Pontoonite sang "to see the Buckley's aces", much to everyone's merriment. De-programming yet to be completed.

And still Town attacked, attacked, attacked, attacked, attacked. It was Allen's turn to score and he had two very, very good opportunities. Firstly a ball was flicked on, just outside the penalty area, and Allen ran on past the defence. He let the ball bounce once and, from 12 yards out, just to the left of the goal, hit a first-time flying volley which hit the bar and flew off into the Pontoon. About 10 or so minutes later he was set free again, in almost identical fashion, and exactly the same position. This time the ball was on the ground and, from about eight yards out, he smashed a low shot to the keeper's right, just inside the near post. The keeper dived the wrong way but the ball glanced off his thigh and was diverted a couple of inches wide of the near post.

What about QPR attacks? None yet, they didn't get into the Town penalty box until the 67th minute, when Gallimore made one of only two special guest appearances in the second half, producing a last-ditch sliding tackle as someone was about to shoot. The match was being played in front of the Pontoon and we were loving it like it had never happened before. Oh, it hasn't has it. Nielsen continued to rip his markers (there were more by now, one time they had four players on him) with his pace. A couple of thrusts from the halfway line brought forth further excitement. His first effort didn't result in a chance, more a moment of danger. He ran 29 yards and crossed behind the strikers into the void near the edge of the box. The poor old midfielders couldn't get there quickly enough. The second brought the crowd to its feet yet again, as it ended with a cross shot from just inside the penalty area which went a foot or two wide of the keeper's right-hand post.

And finally, Cyril, another goal. After 72 minutes Town got a throw-in in front of the police box, near the Main Stand (I think after Nielsen had induced a defender to tap the ball out in panic as he ran after him). It was thrown to a Town attacker just inside the penalty area on the Town right, about five yards from the touchline. The Town attacker controlled the ball, held off the defender and back-heeled it to Livvo, who had ran across him in a wide arc. Livvo took the ball on to a position about 8-10 yards out level with near post. Livingstone passed the ball inside the near post as the keeper swayed to his right. The identity of the Town attacker who passed the ball to Livvo is the subject of a very minor, but heated, debate. The majority view is that Nielsen back-heeled it. A small, but influential, minority claim it to be Allen. These two players are so physically similar it is no wonder the supporters are confused. Does it matter? The words "Town attacker" now carry some threat and mean something tangible, not an abstract concept.

The crowd were incredulous – this just isn't the Town way (and especially after the turgidity that was the first half). The action did not stop as QPR had the temerity to try and score themselves. I recall Coyne making only one save, low down to his right at the near post following a quick break and a shot from just inside the penalty area. He also had to punch away a loose bouncing ball from inside his six-yard box. I have a vague memory of a couple of headers from the stick insect, both from deep crosses from the Town right. Both were uninteresting efforts as they plopped into Coyne's arms, with little power or accuracy. At around the same time Gallimore touched the ball again. This rather gives an indication of Town's dominance and the extent to which play was exclusively down the Town right. I wonder why when Donovan and Nielsen were there?

Just before Nielsen was replaced, Groves volleyed very high and wide at the near post after the chosen one burst down the right and crossed. Apart from all the other things he did, Nielsen had a couple more efforts on goal which went high and wide of the keeper's left-hand post. The first was sliced from the edge of the area, the other was an audacious Hoddle-esque turn and chip from a narrow angle. Neither went very close but if you don't shoot you don't score. In the 84th minute Clare replaced The Dude, thus enabling "He who must be ordained" to walk off the pitch with his own ovation. The ovation was great, but perhaps not as loud as one would expect. It's all his own fault – he made us so excited we shouted so much and a lot of people lost their voices. We were hoarse with happiness.

The fun ended there, with few Town attacks of any danger after he left the pitch. QPR pressed again but no chances were created, or allowed. The very last thing that happened, deep into added time, was a free kick to QPR about 20 yards out, in the centre. They took nearly a minute to set themselves up, and all they did was chip it into the back row of the Osmond Stand. As someone noted in the Pontoon "Sir, you’re no Kingsley Black". How very true. The odd thing about the free kick (apart from the shock of them being given anything) was that Rennie seemed to be organising the defensive wall, even joining it at one stage.

It had rained in the second half, no-one noticed for ages as our attention was fixed firmly on the football, unlike so many games recently when counting the ships that pass or the number of plastic bags in the Pontoon, have seemed to hold more interest that the stuff we have paid to see. The game was the thing.

The second half was totally exhilarating – Town's tactics changed to take account of the match situation, the opponents' weaknesses and our strengths. QPR did not like it up 'em, oh no. The plaudits go to the front three, there is nothing to add about Nielsen. Let the facts speak for themselves. Allen was lively and unfortunate not to score, he was perhaps a little too anxious to stick a metaphorical two fingers up at Gerry Francis and the barracking away support. Generally he seems to be back to his predatory best. Livvo, not a lumpen clod now. Transformed into slimline and nimble Livingstone. He seems to have found a yard of pace and it didn't appear to be because he was against slow players. His legs were definitely moving faster. Apart from one piece of poor control just after he came on, he was deft, subtle, strong, determined and lethal. His introduction transformed the game and lifted Nielsen, or probably liberated him. Nielsen did not look to be someone who would truly prosper with his back to goal acting as a lone target man.

The rest did what they had to (I am talking about the second half here, forget the first when it was shuddersomely bad), which was essentially running around and closing QPR down, so that they could not set themselves up to loop high balls accurately to Crouch's head. So well done D Smith, Donovan and Coldicott for those negatives, which allowed the rest to be positive. And a particular mention in despatches to Gallimore – he was in the Grosvenor by 10.39.

All in all it was invigorating and enough to give hope that Town could get enough points to survive. There are still shocking areas of weakness which will be exposed by some physically strong and organised teams, but Town did what they needed to do – beat a poor team. And boy was it a beating. Town simply overpowered them. That's a phrase I've never had to use before. One more tactical thing – where did Butterfield get his long throw from? It surprised everyone as he kept throwing it into the six-yard box. No-one expected it, so no-one stood anywhere near. Another weapon found.

So a little bit of Nielsen on the right took the Town fans to heaven. Where would we be without him? New messiah? Could be. He cured the hiccoughs and sneezes of those around me. There's hope now.

NickO's man of the match – Nielsen (just, over Livingstone). No need to explain why.