Cod Almighty | Match Report

by Tony Butcher

17 March 2000

A drab, grey, miserable, cold, drizzly day at the home of the most inoffensive club in London. I was hoping for a bonanza of bad hats in this bohemian side-alley, but had to be content with an outrageous purple poncho (near the players' tunnel) and a refugee from the Parisian Left Bank, all leather coat and backwards cloth cap. He even shrugged Gallicly. I wasn't close enough to see if he had a paperback copy of Remembrance of Things Past, which would have been apposite for this former bit-part Premiership club And now it's the likes of Grimsby, eh?

The pre-match entertainment was provided by Peter Crouch dressed as John Travolta, dancing on some corrugated plastic. Or at least we mistook a bloke on stilts for QPR's Ormandroydian genetic quirk. Does "family fun" equate to 1970s disco records these days? I suppose it's healthier than mime artists and Mr Punch. The elongated Travolta was joined by a woman in a sparkly gold suit and cowboy hat, and then six purple dancers. Wayne Burnett was momentarily distracted from jogging lightly and wore a very perplexed look.

Town lined up as follows in the safe and comforting 4-4-2 formation: Coyne, McDermott, Groves, Enhua, Gallimore, Donovan, Coldicott. Burnett, Campbell, Allen and Cornwall. The substitutes were Croudson, Handyside, Willems, Pouton and Jeffrey. No surprises in the positions, Donovan was where he should always be – right-wing, Allen and Cornwall played as a front two. One oddity was the Town kit, the red one. Everyone seemed to be wearing extra long, extra large shorts. Allen's knees were not visible, and I challenged at least one person who claimed they could see Campbell's and McDermott's. Compared to QPR our players looked tiny, and the shorts just looked silly.

The pitch? Very wet and muddy. Not helped by the ground staff dragging the corrugated sheets across the turf, causing ruts.

1st half
Town kicked off towards the QPR popular end (the right as seen on Television), which meant that Wales' official number 5 or 6 keeper stood in front of the Town 5-600 (there may have been more in the upper tier). QPR started 'enthusiastically', which translates into English as they ran around a lot and kicked the ball up to Crouch as quickly as possible. The whole of the first half can be characterised as "get it to Crouchy".

The first chance came after about four minutes. Gallimore attempted to slide across the right-winger and welly the ball away. He missed everything. The right-winger bombed down the touch-line and whipped in a cross towards Crouch. Groves headed the ball out to the right edge of the penalty area and Murray volleyed back low towards the bottom left corner of the goal. Coyne dived and parried the ball away, just missing Crouch. It was an excellent save as the shot came through two or three players.

Town strung at least three passes together a few minutes later. Not surprisingly, Cornwall and Allen were being outmuscled by the QPR back players. And even less surprisingly they weren't winning many headers. They did hint at danger a couple of times. Allen played a smart first-time pass inside the QPR right-back for Cornwall, who stepped inside the centre-back and mishit a low shot a yard or two wide of the keeper's near post. It hinted at possibilities, rather than excited the crowd.

QPR continued to chip up to Crouch, though Enhua and Groves won more headers than they lost. It was barely more than old-fashioned percentages football – the more you kick it into the box, the more chances you'll get. And after 11 or 12 minutes they got another chance. A cross from the QPR right skimmed off a defender's head to the far post, where two QPR players were unmarked. Kiwomya (I think), about eight yards out, just past the far post, attempted to head down across Coyne into the bottom left-hand corner of the goal. The ball skidded off the pitch and Coyne scrambled to his left, dived full length and swiped the ball past his left-hand post with his right hand, just as a QPR forward was running in at the far post. Unorthodox, but brilliantly effective. The alarms bells were a-ringing, not just because there were a couple of unmarked players in the box, but the linesman had failed to flag for two offsides in that move. Handyside and Croudson were warming up right next to the linesman and their views were made known (and their hands were up appealing too). Weirdly, Enhua didn't appeal.

The game lapsed into a pleasing torpor for 15 minutes or so. There was the appearance of danger, but nothing tangible. A couple of long shots, well wide. Loads of balls (I won't dignify them with the description passes) towards Stick-man, which caused some minor panics. At times it was like watching an under-10s game, with everyone running after the ball and hacking away at it when it came near. Fortunately for Town, QPR hadn't quite realised that Gallimore was having one of his bad days – he was, at various times, dopey, grumpy, sleepy and (in the end) happy. So only four of the seven dwarfs today. It took him until the 41st minute to complete a task successfully – a rather good full-length slide tackle which took man, ball, ball boy, St John's Ambulanceman and part of an advertising hoarding.

Town did have a very, very brief period of pressure midway through the half. A passing movement down the right involving Donovan and McDermott (with Burnett as the fulcrum) saw the ball played between full-back and centre-half for Allen, about 15 yards out near the corner of the penalty area. He turned and drilled in a low cross shot which was hacked away on the six-yard box, with Cornwall lurking unmarked just beyond the far post. The ball was not cleared very well and Burnett mishit an attempted volley from 25 yards. It went very, very wide and bounced several times before crossing the bye-line. I can't remember any other danger created by Town, except an Enhua header from a corner on the right (taken by Donovan and swung away from goal) – it was scrambled away from somewhere near the foot of the keeper's left-hand post. Well, it was sufficiently close for us to justify an "ooh" to ourselves.

After about half an hour QPR should have scored. A bout of head tennis on the edge of the Town area resulted in Crouch heading over the back line for Kiwomya, about eight yards out, unmarked, and right in the centre. He simply side footed the ball into Coyne's midriff. The fact that he was at least a yard offside didn't concern the linesman, who Andrew Lumbard's daughter claimed looked like her maths teacher, Mr Kirk (a Mr Kirk, not the Mr Kirk). I think I would have preferred her teacher, as this bloke was poor.

Hey, that's it. There weren't any other chances in the first half. Ready completely mucked up an attempted overhead kick at the far post, following a corner from the QPR right. Sir, you ain't no Peter Handyside. Crouch fell over whilst trying an overhead kick from the centre of the goal, 15 yards out. They whacked a free kick three yards wide after Couch had won a free kick by diving. Groves was incensed and had a real go at the referee for this. Someone commented that Couch went down in instalments. This doesn't quite give the full flavour of his fall - a full repayment mortgage over 25 years, rather than mere instalments. It was one of many very weak decisions by the referee, who seemed to give up trying to decide why Crouch had stumbled/fallen/missed the ball. One in three challenges on Crouch brought QPR a free kick, and I can't remember any being given against him. The referee obviously overlooked the possibility that Stick-boy fell over because he is unable to co-ordinate two feet, two knees and a brain. Crouch even tripped himself up at one stage. He did show one piece of skill when he knocked the ball over Groves' head and hit a first-time shot….15.2 yards wide. I did say one piece of skill. Shooting wasn't it.

It was satisfyingly poor stuff, one to quieten any crowd, let alone a family fun day crowd who barely knew where the ground was (it was difficult to get to the ground as blue-clad dads and kids were unable to find the turnstiles). The roar when the teams ran onto the pitch was more like the sound you used to get at those schoolboy internationals beloved of ITV every May. Coyne had the aura of invincibility. Our own Danny Invincible. He had a real shout at Enhua and Gallimore a couple of times for slack play, and was visibly organising the defence, rather than being a passive reactor to events. Burnett was noticeable for his defensive play – he kept winning headers at the near post, cutting out crosses and corners, and he seemed to be everywhere. Groves looked to be particularly fired up for this game – he was even arguing with the referee. The strikers tried, with Allen looking less fit than Cornwall, which is isn't saying much at all.

So 0-0 at half time. We deserved the nil for the fact Town barely got over the half way line and QPR definitely deserved it because they were just, well, rubbish. They played like a disorganised Wycombe.

Stu's Toilet Talk – That lad'll snap in the wind. We need a new left-back. That Cornwall isn't very big. And he isn't fast. It's shrunk.

2nd half
Jeffrey replaced Allen at half time in a straight swap. Nothing happened for six minutes. QPR had, though, slightly altered their modus operandi. Instead of unthinking long balls for Crouch to flick on for Kiwomya, they sought to utilise the pace of their wide players. They started to knock the ball between the full-backs and centre-backs and then whip in crosses for Crouch. After 51 minutes they had the first serious chance of the second half. A pass was played between Gallimore and Enhua and Kiwomya sprinted clear from behind Enhua. He let the ball run on and hit a first-time shot straight at Coyne's big yellow chest from about 10 yards out, about 7 yards wide of Coyne's left-hand post. Coyne stayed upright, despite Kiwomya allowing the ball to roll on, and on, and on, waiting for Coyne to dive. Excellent goalkeeping from our little secret.

For the next five or so minutes Town were really under pressure, and the QPR supporters eventually remembered to make some noise. It was nice to know they were there. Baraclough (remember him?) sprinted down the QPR left past McDermott and, from near the bye-line outside the penalty area, hit a fast cross out towards the penalty spot. Crouch was unmarked and steered a header curling away from Coyne, towards the top left-hand corner. Coyne sailed majestically to his left and planed the ball away (he was assisted by the lack of power on the header - it looped slightly). There was a confusing attack when Kiwomya was sent fee beyond Groves inside the Town area, on the right. Coyne again came out and blocked. A little later QPR broke behind the Town back line, again on the right, and a cross to the far post fell to their right winger, Knight, who smacked a low hard shot across the face of goal. Hilariously (for us) Crouch, unmarked on the six-yard line, jumped over the ball as he attempted to knock it in. Hey diddle, diddle, the cack in the middle, Crouch jumped over the ball.

After 10 or so minutes of the half Town won a free kick on the right, near the touchline about 15-20 yards out. It was curled in to the centre of the gaol, near the penalty spot, and Groves glanced a header a couple of feet wide of the keeper's right-hand post. A goal kick was given even though it had brushed Crouch on the way towards goal. Only Groves complained. He really was 'up' for this. I have never seen him so wound up. This Town attack silenced the crowd for a few minutes, as the game became quite awful again. Town were just non-existent as an attacking force, being organised in two lines of four, with rarely more than one player supporting any attack. This was definitely a defensive ploy to contain and hope for a goal on the break, or from a set piece.

Around the hour mark Town had to withstand another period of intense pressure. It wasn't through great football, QPR just kept putting the ball into the penalty area. Enhua scrambled the ball away for a corner when a pass was flicked through and over the left of the Town defence. As a QPR attacker was about to shoot from a narrow angle five or six yards out Enhua threw himself across to block. The ball was eventually scrambled away for a corner. Enhua was rolling around just behind the goal, but limped back on as the corner was taken. He then limped off back behind the goal to receive treatment when the corner was cleared. This meant Town were down to 10 men, so Burnett (yes!) went back to play centre-back. His first contribution was to misjudge a long pass and stop it with his hand (when a QPR forward was behind him and likely to be able to run free towards the goal). He was booked by the referee and a free kick given about 25 yards out. At the same time Town tried to make two substitutions - Cornwall was replaced by Pouton and Enhua was replaced by Handyside. There was a bit of confusion as the referee didn't, at first, allow Handyside to come on, which caused mild panic amongst the Town supporters.

And from this point the game became like a cup tie. The free kick, which was just to the left of centre, was touched sideways for a QPR player to wallop goalwards. It was hit low to Coyne's left. He scampered across and went a bit too far left, over-running the ball as it zipped off the pitch and curled slightly. Coyne adjusted his body and scooped the ball away to his left, with his right shoulder. The ball squirmed sideways and was eventually returned into the penalty area. It was a bit confusing, with bodies flying everywhere, but Coyne plunged to his right and parried a header away. I think. It was like a cup tie, with bodies everywhere and the ball occasionally emerged.

Town reverted to a 4-5-1 formation with Iron Mike Jeffrey alone like a leper many yards from a similarly shirted footballer. Pouton, at first, seemed to be given the role of support player, from a centre right-ish position, but gradually sunk further back. A couple of minutes after coming on Pouton hooked a cross in from near the right corner flag to Jeffrey, about 10 yards out, right in the centre of goal. He volleyed goalwards, but straight onto a defender's head. The referee decided to award a free kick for dangerous play. Funny how he didn't do that one minute later when Crouch controlled the ball at McDermott's head height. A couple of minutes after that Pouton surged down the right and whipped in a cross to the near post, towards Jeffrey and a QPR defender. Both missed the ball, or more accurately the QPR player did not miss his barging challenge on Jeffrey. The introduction of Pouton brought some zest to the attack, and he displayed aggression and skill in his 30 minutes. Even treating us to a stepover, which followed an attempt by the QPR left wing to do unto him what he does unto others. It failed, because Pouton simply trumped him by making the tackle a stepover (and surge). Exquisite.

Did I say cup tie atmosphere? Nothing typified this more than when a Town cross was cleared to the tricky left-winger just outside the QPR penalty area, who hared off up the pitch. Burnett sprinted after him, caught him up by the edge of the Town area and dispossessed him with a superb slide tackle. A man-size tackle, triple ply.

As the game progressed QPR became more and more direct, throwing more and more players upfield. The game was seemingly bogged down about 10 yards from Coyne's goal. Town clearances simply went back to QPR as there was only Jeffrey upfield. Coyne was exemplary, catching crosses, knocking miscued crosses out for corners, blocking when the ball dropped in the six-yard box and rushing off his line to collect loose balls. And then there were 10 minutes left.

Town were awarded a free kick close to the right corner flag, for a foul on Jeffrey, I think. Is that important? Probably not. We all stood up muttering, sotte voce, "what's the point". Donovan swung his cross lazily towards Groves, somewhere just beyond the penalty spot, who headed down firmly, but not that firmly. Ready stuck his right leg out and slightly deflected the ball past the keeper into the bottom right-hand corner of the goal. And then the players went Imre Banana. Burnett ran into the crowd, recreating his Autowindscreen celebrations, Campbell joined him and was promptly thrown back onto the pitch by the stewards (he was, literally). Groves ran over gesticulating wildly and great pleasure was shown. How very un-Town.

Then the chicken counting began – I counted eight "You're going down with the Stockports" and "You're going to Shrewsbury, que sera, sera". QPR abandoned their pretty passing game (i.e. they cut down from three to two passes before they hoofed it). And everything still went towards Stick-boy's head. Scrambles and more scrambles for 10 minutes, with Coyne forced to make a couple of plunging stops (his best was a little wasted as the referee had already given Town a free kick, a rarity in itself). The nearest they came to scoring was immediately after Town scored – Crouch was unmarked about 15 yards out, to the left of goal and hit a low, hard drive across the face of goal. Groves ran across and kicked the ball away.

And then there were three minutes of added time. As they began a QPR corner from the Town left was hit to the back post and a defender headed firmly just over the angle of post and bar, to Coyne's left. There weren't any more chances, just tension and worrying hoofs, and after four minutes the referee finally ended the game. Apart from Wembley, I haven't seen Town players celebrate so much. They hugged each other, and they all ran over and hugged Coyne. Willems sprinted over from the subs bench and celebrated with even more gusto than those who'd actually played. In essence they played like a team, they celebrated like a team. It meant something to each and every player. They all came over and waved fists at the supporters. Groves was still hyperactive and his usual phlegm and restraint was gone. The supporters were just as happy, I clapped so much my arms ached.

It was a poor football game, with Town having very limited ambitions. But we don't care, right? Town have been mugged enough times, we're due one back. The team was relatively solid (the left excepted), with impenetrable lines across the pitch. Coyne was magnificent again – the QPR supporters were all moaning about "that keeper" being unbeatable, but the rest of the team played their part. Burnett worked like a Coldicott today – I'd even go as far as to say he out-Stacy-ed Stacy. Groves was a defensive rock, and Enhua was effective. Don't get too carried away, it was only QPR, but the players showed all the things the supporters crave, but haven't seen recently. It was enjoyable, mainly because, frankly, QPR were never, ever going to score. And we think we've got problems.

We came, we saw, we left with the points. When will the opposition learn. We are the party-poopers extraordinaire.

Nicko's Man of the Match – Coyne, a series of super saves. Honourable mentions to Groves and Burnett, but without Coyne we would have lost.