Cod Almighty | Match Report
by Tony Butcher
27 August 2001
A boiling hot, windless day with a clear blue sky and various military aircraft buzzing the ground. Town warmed up for about 20 minutes running up and down between fluorescent cones doing little jumps and bows. At times they resembled modern dance students pretending to be a bush. Several players looked very lethargic and headed for shade as soon as they could. Bradley Allen is the latest to succumb to the drastic hair shearing craze that seems to be pervading the players. During the pre-match kick-about Ermes made some spectacular one-handed saves from Jeffrey on his left-hand side, and let everything in on his right-hand side. Mmm, a potential weakness there?
Town lined up in the usual 4-4-2 formation with the same starting XI as on Saturday, being: Coyne, McDermott, Groves, Beharall, Gallimore, Pouton, Butterfield, Willems, Campbell, Jevons and Rowan. The substitutes were Ermes, Ford, Burnett, Allen and Jeffrey. For some inexplicable reason, Town played in the belisha beacon yellow strip. That's the first time I've seen Town have to change kit at Portsmouth.
Portsmouth included Prosinecki and Burchill, together with Mr head-on-two-sticks Crouch, who now has a rather foppish hairstyle, the sort that demands a cravat to be worn and an open top sports car in the drive. They also had the tousle-haired centre back Zamperini, or Thumbelina, as he became know to the Town fans. Their goalkeeper had TARDIF written across his back, so we presume that is his name, rather than being a lisping Dr Who fan. As one Town fan commented "Does that stand for Time And Relative Dimensions in Football?" Before the game there was yet another minute's silence, this time for an old Portsmouth player who died in May.
1st half
Portsmouth kicked off towards the open end (on the right as seen on TV) which housed the usual 200 or so Town supporters. The usual suspects, if you must. Within a couple of minutes Portsmouth had ripped Town apart down the left, and it rapidly became apparent that we were in for a torrid afternoon. Harper, the right wing-back, sprinted down the touchline, surged past the backtracking Gallimore, cut inside and from the left edge of the penalty area curled a left-footed shot just wide of Coyne's right-hand post. The Town supporters raised their eyebrows and looked at each other. It's going to be one of those Galli-days. Or galli-daze.
Portsmouth played a 3-5-2 formation with Prosinecki strolling around where he pleased, ready to spray 60-yard passes to the extremely fast wing-backs. Prosinecki's first two passes were comically wayward. We laughed. We didn't laugh again for another hour.
The first half an hour was played in the Town half. There were isolated incursions into the Portsmouth half, even an attempted cross, but that's all. If you want a positive report, extolling our virtues, stop reading, 'cos there weren't any. Without giving away the plot, I'll just serve this teaser. We were slaughtered. Annihilated, stuffed, we almost ceased to be. The game was a blur of blue 100 yards away as Town failed to cope with the Portsmouth formation and, most importantly, Prosinecki. No-one marked him, no-one got near him. He simply walked into the position he wished and did as he wished.
Every few minutes Portsmouth missed a sitter. A fast raid down the Pompey left saw tiny Courtney Pine, sorry, Pitts sprint past McDermott to run onto a Prosinecki stroked through ball down the line. He cut inside and whipped a cross to the centre of the goal. Burchill, unmarked and about eight or nine yards out, headed firmly over the bar.
Pitts again sprinted and tricked his way down the Town right and along the by-line towards the edge of the area and knocked a low cross to the centre of the goal about five or six yards out. Burchill raced in and toe-poked the ball over the bar. Prosinecki rolled his boot over the ball, feinted left, right, left again and then caressed a short pass between McDermott and Pouton. Pitts crossed low to the centre of the goal. Bodies raced in and the ball was glanced towards the bottom left hand corner. Crouch slid in and, from about a yard out, cleared the ball à la Lever. A high ball was pumped into the Town box, Coyne came out and challenged Groves, somewhere near the penalty spot. He dropped the ball and, whilst prostrate before the long-limbed lurch-a-like, watched helplessly as Crouch tapped the ball….straight onto Groves' thigh on the goal line. Groves wellied it clear.
About 20 minutes gone and Town should have been at least three goals down. And another one coming. Prosinecki received the ball on the Town right, jinked, danced, shimmied, swayed and swished, sending whichever of the Town players was nearest (this time it was Butterfield, I think) down several cul-de-sacs, before hitting a low in-swinging cross shot towards the near post. Beharall stretched forward and diverted the ball against the post and away for a corner. Coyne was forced to rush off his line and block on the left side of his penalty area when a curly-haired midfielder ran on to a Prosinecki dink, leaving him one on one with the Welsh One. Somewhere in between all this Burchill hooked a shot over the bar from about six yards out, when the ball dropped after a scramble.
This was all within the first half hour. Blue Monday indeed. It was harder for them to miss some of these chances. Maybe Lennie's luck was still riding high in the pop charts?
No, after nearly 30 minutes Prosinecki, about 35 yards out, way to the right of Town's goal, received a short pass with Butterfield standing very close. Prosinecki glided past Butterfield, sending him towards London as he headed infield and clipped a glorious, inch perfect, superbly weighted 60-yard first-time pass over the bewildered Gallimore for Harper to sprint on to. Harper ran on down the line to the touch-line and whipped in a low cross towards the near post. Burchill stooped and glanced a firm header low across Coyne into the bottom right hand corner.
This was a lot less than Portsmouth deserved, Town were simply there as a backdrop for Prosinecki to show off. It was astounding that Town had avoided conceding a goal for so long. There was a long delay after the goal because the linesman fell over and was replaced. During this hiatus in play the Portsmouth players congregated around their manager for instructions. Apart from Willems and Pouton, the Town players stood around in the centre circle. Rowan received instructions from an irate Groves on how to defend from the front and what runs to make.
The main problem was Prosinecki. None of the Town players seemed to be able to get near him, which is ironic considering he barely rose above an amble. When he got the ball, everyone stood away, as if scared and wishing to view a masterclass from nearby. You know, this was the first (and possibly only) time that I thought Kevin Muscat would be a useful player to have around.
But then Portsmouth switched off and didn't trouble Town again until right at the end of the half, when Prosinecki decided he wanted another ovation from his adoring fans. They had a couple of shots, scrambles and a header wide in injury time. They also had a huge appeal for a penalty when Burchill and McDermott chased a long ball inside the Town penalty area. They both fell as Burchill just got in front of McDermott. From the other end of the pitch it looked like McDermott had caught the back of Burchill's heels, but accidentally, as they both fell naturally.
Right, at last, Town started to play. The nearest Town had got in the opening half hour had been a bit of interplay on the left involving Campbell, Jevons, Rowan and Willems which resulted in Willems being momentarily free, but his cross shot was blocked for a corner. But after their goal the chances came thin and slow, which is more than we usually do here. Jevons turned, beat a couple of players then, from 20 yards, mishit a poor shot straight at the keeper, all along the ground. He then repeated his trickery, but fell over the ball when on the edge of the area. There's something about the penalty area that forces Jevons to stumble. He has nimble feet and a quick mind outside the box, but as soon as he sees the white line, his mind turns to mush and his legs to Angel Delight. Jevons' best moment was a turn, shimmy, then dribble past a couple of players, on the right side, just inside the Portsmouth penalty area. His low cross swung in between the goalkeeper and defence, but a yard in front of Pouton at the far post. The ball missed the far post by perhaps a foot. Close, but you're not right.
And that's just about that for the first half, apart from the best Town move, down the left, involving Campbell, Willems and eventually Gallimore, who swung in a dangerous cross to the near post. Rowan ran in front of his marker and glanced a header that was going towards the bottom corner (I was right behind the flight of the ball) until a defender plonked his body in the way, right in the centre of goal. A special mention for Campbell who, after leaping at the far post for a cross, lost his right boot when challenging for the loose ball. He still managed to twist and turn on the touch-line, getting in a dangerous inswinging cross with his bestockinged foot. Oh yes, and Willems was booked for nothing much more than obstructing a Portsmouth player on the edge of the Portsmouth area.
At 1-0 we were still in the game, but no-one knew quite how. The terrace talk was an incredulous "How did we get out of that?" Town were, quite simply, outclassed, outfought, outhought, and outpaced. But not out of it. No-one was particularly good, though Pouton and Willems had been hard working and made some strong interceptions. Gallimore was being taken apart down the left, with McDermott having a very hard time down the right. Neither were quick enough to keep up with the Portsmouth wing-backs. Most importantly, no-one was stopping the supply of crossfield passes and stroked through balls from Prosinecki. A neutral would have enjoyed this game, as would a Pompey supporter. We weren't and neither were the Town players, there were signs of arguments between the players.
Stu's Half Time Toilet Talk – Pants. Utter Pants. That flippin' Prosiwhatsit bloke is making us look stupid. And he’s not even moving! Little Richard descending from a helicopter on a gold lamé ladder! Listen lads, we could still do this. We've got to take Butterfield off, he's no good going forward.
2nd half
No changes were made by either side at half time. Town started a bit faster and closed down Portsmouth players more quickly when they had the ball. So far, so good. No scares in the first few minutes and Town started to attack, making headway principally down the right. Pouton and McDermott were positive and were forcing the left wing-back towards his own goal, which he didn't appear comfortable with.
On 50 minutes Town got a corner on the right. The usual Willems/Campbell routine was performed, with Willems cracking a high cross to just beyond the far post. The ball was headed out to the right edge of the Portsmouth area and bounced high. Butterfield, from about 10 yards to the right of goal, on the edge of the box, waited for the ball to drop and smacked a super volley into the middle of the goal off the underside of the crossbar. All 200 Town fans rose as one (though Butterfield's official number one critic then sank to his knees and almost wept in frustration as he realised that this cemented the Jogging Maestro of Mirth's place in the team for several eons). Who said he should be taken off at half time because he'd never contribute anything in attack?
Town continued the more energetic, pressing game, and Portsmouth didn't tear us apart as they had done in the first half. Though it was noticeable that Prosinecki had abandoned the right-hand side of the field, homing in on Gallimore like a wolf stalking a dying three-legged gerbil. Town had a variation of their own, Pouton and Campbell switched flanks, causing Portsmouth to recede towards their own goal. Town did have some possession and attacks in the 15 minutes after half time. Unfortunately, I can't remember them as so much else happened; these were minor details of history and shouldn't concern those interested in broad matters. Nothing went too near goal or caused any great excitements. We were just better for 15 minutes. Our Warhol moment.
Or perhaps Prosinecki was having a bit of a rest. Around the hour, he picked up a half clearance 25 yards out, just to the right of centre. He controlled the ball, swayed to create a bit of space and curled a right-footed shot towards the top left-hand corner of the goal. Coyne soared skywards and tipped the ball onto the outside of the post. The ball rolled out behind where Gallimore should have been. A Portsmouth player ran forward and with an immense amount of time and space stroked a perfect cross on to the head of Crouch, on the six-yard line, in the centre. Crouch headed very firmly down towards the bottom right hand corner. Coyne sprang horizontally and parried the ball away for a corner. Another routine save of great magnificence from The Man. If anything, the Town supporters roared more for the double save than Butterfield's goal. We had sort of laughed when we scored. With this set of saves maybe it was our lucky day. Again.
Maybe not. After 63 minutes Gallimore was mesmerised by Prosinecki's feet, then hips, then feet again. Gallimore did his usual trick when up against an above average opponent – he simply backed off, and off, and off. Then he ran away from Prosinecki slightly, giving the roving Croat space and plenty of time to choose exactly on which hair on which head he wished to place the cross. He chose Crouch, about four yards out at the far post, climbing over and above his marker to head down firmly. Coyne half stopped the ball as he raced across his goal line, but the ball trickled over the line, off and over his shins. A few raised fingers were pointed at Gallimore by the Town supporters. He raged to himself and walked off.
Town still attacked and Pouton missed a sitter. Jevons wriggled his way free down the Town left and pinged in a dangerous low cross, right in to the centre of the Portsmouth penalty area, about seven or eight yards out. Pouton ran in, leant back and poked the ball way, way over the bar. Bad miss - perhaps he should imagine every shot is a penalty. Then Pouton raced in from the right, surging infield, drifting past three players before dragging a low shot across the face of goal, perhaps a foot wide. As usual it was mishit, lacking any power. I have a vague memory of a header going somewhere near the Portsmouth goal, though perhaps that was last year.
With about 20 minutes left Jeffrey replaced Rowan, much to the silent disapproval of many of the Town support. Yeah, how was everyone's favourite scapegoat going to change this game? Like this, matey boys, only four or five minutes after coming on! Campbell decided he'd actually learnt something from the Prosinecki masterclass, performing a double drag back, about 35-40 yards out, to the left of centre. He then chipped the ball over the defence into a massive hole between the centre-backs and goalkeeper (around this time Portsmouth had changed to 4-4-2, to combat Town's new found steel and territorial equality). Jeffrey ran on, allowed the ball to bounce and shaped his body perfectly to lob the keeper. The ball bounced once and in to the roof of the net. Further incredulous whooping and laughter from the Town supporters, with much jigging up and down the steps. As someone observed, "Is this the revenge of the duffers?"
What are you going to do about that then Pompey? They did nothing, but the referee did. Firstly, he booked Gallimore for a swiping tackle from behind on Prosinecki, near the managers' dug outs. Gallimore thought he was being sent off (which arguably he should have been) and started to head off towards the tunnel. The referee only booked him. This foul got the Portsmouth crowd going, seething at our equaliser, raging at the foul on their new star, every tackle was a spark for an angry roar. For a minute or so the tackling became very fierce, but all perfectly acceptable, then three really hard tackles in a row ended up with a Portsmouth player falling after Willems slid across on the halfway line. Willems slightly mistimed the tackle and the momentum of the Portsmouth player made him roll (and the foul seem worse than it was). The crowd bayed for blood (as you'd expect, we'd do the same, wouldn't we?) and the referee immediately reached for his yellow card, which meant our Dutch destroyer (who'd played very soundly in the second half, making some excellent tackles) was off. Willems told the referee what he thought of him, Groves was incensed, Pouton furious and that felt like a very defining moment. In retrospect we'd have preferred Gallimore to have been sent off.
So from ecstasy to pessimism within two minutes. For the next five minutes Town took advantage of the space and seemed comfortable. Then disaster. A long ball down the middle between Gallimore and Beharall, saw the very fast Burchill outpace the retreating Town players (Gallimore was huffing and puffing but going backwards in comparison). Burchill took the ball into the area and, from a narrow angle eight or nine yards out, drove the ball under and to the right of Coyne into the corner of the net. Game over.
Not quite. Portsmouth regained possession from the kick off and attacked Town yet again down the left. Prosinecki teased Gallimore, then fooled him by rolling his boot over the ball and feinting to go inside, then outside, then inside. Gallimore retreated and allowed Prosinecki to stroll forward to somewhere near the six-yard box. Crouch stood alone about eight or nine yards out as Butterfield watched the Croatian, rather than marking in the box. Prosinecki rolled the ball to Crouch, who hit a sweeping first time shot under Coyne into the same place that Burchill had put it a minute earlier.
Are you fed up of reading Prosenicki yet? Well we were mighty fed up at the game, he is old and rarely mobile, but given space he'll destroy anybody. Town players seemed in awe of him, not wishing to tackle for fear of humiliation. So when they did go near, his dander up, he showed all in his bag of tricks. It's a big bag. Did anyone notice that he did everything under the main stand, where the directors' box is?
After this there were a few frighteningly quick Portsmouth breaks, Prosinecki roasted Gallimore like a peanut a couple more times and there was some desperate defending to keep the score down below the humiliating line (four is big, five humiliating). Town had some attacks, McDermott surged forward and drove low to the keeper's right. Jevons twisted and turned on the right of the area, beating two players and hitting a shot low across the keeper. And apart from a display of swearing and blame apportionment from Gallimore, along with Burnett replacing the worn out Pouton with two minutes left, that was it.
It may sound odd but Town were lucky today not to be stuffed, as at half time they should have been at least three, and probably five down. The second half was much more even, after Town decided to tackle and keep the ball, but the Willems dismissal rather nailed our coffin lid down. Only the major incidents have been described, there were countless occasions when Prosinecki toasted, roasted and then coasted past a Town player, usually Gallimore. This isn't a free have a go a Galli day, he really was turned over and in some ways one felt sorry for him. He plainly could not cope with this quality of opponent, nor with the pace of Harper. Gallimore successfully made three or four tackles. He may as well have not been there, for all the good he did. I haven't seen a player taken apart like this for a very long time. He was almost howling in frustration at the end. So were we. Perhaps standing his ground would have helped. It will be interesting to see him up against Donovan next week.
Beharall and Groves tried hard but had some practical and physical hindrances. Crouch is just so big he will always get a couple of free headers in, and Burchill is so flamin' quick. On a hot day at home Portsmouth will be a match for anyone going forward. Their defence, which looked vulnerable in the air and on the ground, will see them lose a lot of away games. Especially if Prosinecki can't be bothered, or someone kicks him early on. Town were just too nice. McDermott again showed that he is probably in his last full season as first choice. He was constantly exposed by the pace of Pitt, but managed to stop him 50% of the time. Grow your hair back. Up front Rowan and Jevons did what they always seem to do – the occasional interesting and innovative exchange outside the box which leads, at best, to a scuffed shot.
Has our luck run out? Superficially, yes, as we got a pasting. The scoreline did not reflect the extent to which Town were over-run. It could, and should, have been a lot more. Someone please put Gallimore out of our misery, he can't cope anymore. Oddly, the performance, on the whole, was probably better than at West Brom. Which just shows you how poor West Brom were.
The way I figure it everyone takes a beating some of the time. And boy, was this a beating.
Nick0's Man of the Match – Sticking to the Town players (as it was quite obviously Prosinecki) I'd have to say Pouton, with Willems second. They both ran around tirelessly, with Pouton hardly able to walk at the end. He even remembered to do a couple of stepovers too. A low scoring Pouton for Man of the Match.
Official Warning
P Walton – Generally unobtrusive and there seemed a point in the first half when he'd grown weary of the Portsmouth crowd (and some players) moaning. But his dismissal of Willems was sufficient for me to give him 5.7 for inconsistency and eventually succumbing to the crowd.