Cod Almighty | Diary

Lloyd, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore

16 June 2026

The biggest news in World Soccerball broke last night as, in a shock swoop from right outta leftfield, if not Compton, useful Plan B Andy, Andy Cooke has re-returned from heading drones in Dubai and has re-re-signed for Town. He's swapped one kind of buzzing for another. Happy now?

Yes, it's Tuesday and your Deviant Diarist has the fishtank football on in the background whilst having a World Cup word Dallas for lunch. No I don't have fries on my shoulder, it's chips with everything today. Where do I begin, where does it end? Is this the beginning of the end or the end of the beginning of the end of football. Yeah this World Cup feels like tinnitus already.

The clock strikes upon the hour and the fun begins to fade. Where are the fans? On the concourse, of course. Don't be coarse when Whitney starts belting out of the PA in Philadelphia P-A. They need the ad-space to dance with somebody in the streets. What did we expect from the hyped up capital of hyper-capitalism? Souls were sold long ago in cynical Soccerland. Old Arthur Drewery would have had no truck with this nonsense.

Look at it this way, the truckload of adverts shoehorning in The Beautiful Game just give us all a list of products to boycott.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Drinks breaks are just not cricket, but if they have 'em then they should be just like cricket - a couple of sad looking subs bringing out a tray with a jug of orange cordial, eleven plastic cups and a spare set of gloves. Cordial, not juice, nothing fancy.

Football eh, just when you thought you were out it sucks you back in. The sights, the sounds, the ridiculous hairstyles, the outrageous foul throws, the humiliation of Old World powers, the crushing of dreams and toes. I want it all and I want it now.

Wahey! Cabo Verde's keeper was a plucky plucker and occasionally a lucky plucky plucker that made the Vauxhall Conference Viva Espana feel like suckers. Are Podgytino's USA the Bromley of this World Cup? Is the Dutch national anthem constructed from three or four Christmas carols? Do the crazy Cannucks regret not choosing Bim Pepple? How many players have played against Town?

And what's up with the officials? The three prime directives of Roboref are: serve the public trust, protect the innocent and uphold the law. How about being right? From the case of mistaken mistaken identity mistakenly making a correct decision that was wrong, but in reality right, to the kow-towing to the media Mammon, there's plenty to chew on.

As always we're watching through the filter of television, the medium that moulds the message. The insidious Americanisation of all culture continues with commentating talk of the "midway score" and "transition moments". Not wanting to come over all Al Murray, but my dad was a publican. It's our game, our language: half time and counterattacks!

And here's another thing, that Dutch kit is playing havoc with my telly, they're like AI-generated ghosts in the machine. I had to go off and lie down in a dark room. Their kit, their performance, enough to induce a migraine.

You know you can catch all you need on iPlayer, with eight minutes of highlights from each game. Highlights. Is the concept in need of a jazzy 21st century tech bro revamp for da kids? One size does not fit all, we need to tailor the description to the content. You can have eight minutes of scrapelights from Qatar v Switzerland or deleted scenes from Canada v Bosnia. As for England, well, that short film hasn't been released yet.

I think I'm bored of this multiplex franchise fodder already. And we've only just begun.