Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Wednesday 28 May 2003

28 May 2003

Sorry this is late - I've been to see the doctor, and even the supremely healthy Mrs Diary with her vibrant Mediterranean blood has come down with something, so everything's kind of wurrrr here today.

The ulterior motives behind the Grimsby Telegraph's recent claim that Town had drastically cut the new terms on offer to John McDermott and Stacy Coldicott are becoming clearer - and it implies some decidedly ugly goings-on behind the scenes. A statement from the club describes the report as "simply not true", adding: "If any person at the football club wishes to induce pressure on this board in the future by negotiating sensationally through the press, then they will be shown the door." All of which strongly suggests that Macca or Stace went crying to the Telegraph when faced with the prospect of getting real about their contract - a nasty possibility only made more believable by the newspaper's reaction that "the statement will send shockwaves through the playing staff". Shockwaves through 80 Cleethorpe Road, more like, at the prospect of having to base stories on proper research instead of grubby subterfuge.

At the same time the Telegraph is playing good cop by increasing its shareholding in the club to £1,000 as part of Grimsby Town Supporters Trust's appeal for fans to stake a claim in the new share issue. The trust wants supporters to chip in towards its Tower of Power campaign, which seeks to raise £25,000 towards buying a bit of Town - and 25 grand is the height of the Dock Tower in pound coins, apparently, providing a nice emotive symbol for the campaign with such elegant ease that the tower's architects could almost have planned it that way on purpose. Diary readers wishing to contribute are urged to visit the trust's website for more information.

Paul Groves has denied any interest in Matt O'Halloran - nine days after the story broke that the Town boss was tracking the young Derby midfielder. There isn't a quote from him or anything, but the club does add: "The Official SMS and the Official Website will bring you any real news - FIRST. So give all your money to us - we need it a bit more than Teamtalk do." I might have made some of that up, but the sense is clear.

The Mariners' official site is also keen for you to know that the team can be backed at 16-1 with something called marinersbet to win next season's second division title; but the Diary's concern to bring readers the bigger picture compels me to point out that PremierBet is offering 25s on the same bet. For every ten quid you lose on marinersbet, though, Town earn tuppence farthing, or something; so it's up to you whether you want to show your support for your club by accepting rubbish odds.

As a youngster, when you dreamed of one day donning a black and white number nine shirt and scoring the winner at Wembley, you must have wondered how you would make that first step and earn a trial with the Mariners. Make a name for yourself in local non-league, perhaps with Cleethorpes Town or Louth United; or become a rising star of Geoff Bartholomew's Discoveries XI. It probably didn't occur to you to be released by Scunthorpe, but that's the unorthodox route Scott Brough has taken. A 19-year-old winger formerly with Leeds, the player was ushered out of Glanford Park last season but has now landed a try-out for the Town, reports BBC Humber Sport. Laying bare the sophisticated networking system that makes Town's scouting set-up the envy of the league, Brough explains: "A bloke who I used to train with at Leeds, who used to train me, Pete, his name, he got in touch with Paul Wilkinson at Grimsby."

In the interests of Coldicott research, the Diary watched Big Brother last night for only the second time ever, and was disappointed to find the show remains about as much fun as watching a Lennie Lawrence team thump high balls upfield to Phil Jevons and Jonny Rowan. Indeed, as a troupe of broadly indistinguishable people performed no higher service to humankind than endlessly fanny about on an exercise machine, it was only the concerned intervention of Mrs Diary that prevented me chewing off my own toes. And these were the highlights, apparently. But I am informed by a Diary reader that "Grimsby has had its first mention this morning." Hold on tight, then, kids - let's see what thrills lie in store. "The soon-to-be-ex Mrs Coldicott wowed the other BB contestants with her story of how her dog once got lost in a ditch in Grimsby." Now can somebody please explain to me why in the holy name of Futcher this programme is all everyone will talk about for the next nine weeks?

In the meantime here's a scandalous rumour for you, courtesy of Grimsby's greatest living poet Al Wilkinson. "This week on the factory grapevine I learned of another reason a certain right winger was never played," writes Al. Oh aye? "He was supposedly shagging the wife of a long-standing right-back. Said right was understandably a bit peeved with these events and apparently refused to play in the same team as the aforementioned philandering wing wizard, leaving Mr Groves in something of a conundrum as to the team he could select." The Diary, of course, passes on these scurrilous morsels of gossip merely to illustrate to you how ridiculous they really are, and makes absolutely no claim for their veracity.

"I'm not taking this coat off now!" writes Tony Butcher - but he's not talking trademark green rainwear; he's talking Roly and John. And in a strange kind of way, aren't we all? This refusal to divest outer garments came in response, apparently, to a Neil Woods goal against Brentford after just two minutes. Meanwhile John Arrand, seemingly the only human being who could give Tony a run for his money in a Roly and John quiz, pisses on the Diary's jigsaw by pointing out that my favourite phrase from Town's infamous series of season highlights videos - "McDermott won't keep that in. Oh! He does do!" - was "uttered by Graeme (or is it Graham?) Shearsmith rather than Roly Godfrey or John Moore." This is how I felt when I found out there was no Father Christmas. It really took the shine off Town's win at Anfield in the League Cup, I can tell you.

And finally, Lee Cobby has spawned. Hang on, that can't be right - Trekkies never get laid...ah, right - Lee Cobby has spawned an imitator. Oh good. "You will be pleased to hear that Lee Cobby's recent antics (no, not those ones!) have inspired me," writes a Diary reader naming himself 'Chopper'. "I too have come up with a team for next season and I believe my forest-linked XI to be better than any of Mr Cobby's efforts. Why do I say that? Easy, my team would only require 10 new players, which coincidentally is the number of players Pete Furneaux has said we can sign this summer. Grovesie gets a midfield spot and the fans would be delighted to see the return of two old favourites. Look..." I'm looking.

Right. Please stop now. Go on holiday. Anything. Just leave me alone.