Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Friday 16 January 2004

16 January 2004

Paul Groves and Barry Fry may differ on matters of accent, presentation and dietary preference, but when it comes to a front-line partnership of Michael Boulding and Clive Platt they are of a single mind. Platt, of course, turned down a move to Blundell Park in the summer to join Notts County, only to throw in his lot with Fry's Peterborough earlier this month, and the southern club's notorious pie enthusiast has now revealed a bid to snaffle the Mariners' leading scorer. Today's Grimsby Telegraph has Fry waxing as lyrical as he ever gets over Boulding's ability and revealing that Town knocked back a bid for the player the other week. "It was 50 grand up front and I would have given them a percentage of a sell-on," sniffs the 'colourful' United boss. "Tell ya what, darlin', throw in that Pahton geezah an' we'll make it a nice rahnd 40. Can't say fairer than that, can I, eh? Cam orn!"

Boulding, for his part, has emerged as a new 'injury doubt' for tomorrow's visit to Port Vale, wherever that is - a match described by Mr Groves, with syntax like a Neil Woods dribble, as "a game from one we had against them earlier in the season where we'll be looking for a bit of revenge". Alan Pouton and Darren Mansaram are back in training, reports BBC Humber, but Darren Barnard (a former Oldham full-back, according to the Staffordshire Sentinel) looks certain to miss out with that calf thing and Swift Michael is now "a bit touch-and-go", says the Two-Legged Grove Machine, which may be imprecise but makes no less sense to the Diary than all that stuff about hamstrings and kidnapper muscles and what have you. Iffy Onuora could replace Boulding while Jason Crowe is also set to return after serving out his stamping ban. Sorry - abductor.

Phew! Meanwhile, the would-be controversy over Marcel Cas's departure from Blundell Park stubbornly refuses to rage on, with Paul Groves declining to issue a riposte to the player's stinging criticism of his management style. "I don't want to get involved in tittle-tattle in the press with an individual player," PG tells BBC Humber today. "I don't believe that I've had a go at an individual player in all the time that I've been doing the job and I don't want to start now." Aw, go on, Paul! The mardy Dutch bugger, likewise, appears disinclined to escalate the war of words, with his final Grimsby Telegraph column concerning itself mostly with missing his family in Holland - which seemed, curiously, to be less of an issue when he played for Notts County.

Out in the big wide world, Sepp Blatter - the FIFA president who owes his position to blatantly corrupt electoral campaigning and has exploited it to cream millions of dollars out of the game and into his personal bank accounts - has shown the degree to which he cares for football by proposing that women's playing kits should accentuate their tits and arses more. "Let the women play in more feminine clothes like they do in volleyball," Blatter has said, interesting misappropriating the phraseology used by God when He created the heavens and the Earth. "They could, for example, have tighter shorts. Female players are pretty, if you excuse me for saying so, and they already have some different rules to men, such as playing with a lighter ball." If you want to watch football, Mr Septic, then watch football, but if you want to see if you can still get wood then just be honest and download some porn. Oh, sorry - that's a dirty word, isn't it. I promise never to say "honest" again.