Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Friday 2 January 2004

2 January 2004

Town's major concern ahead of tomorrow's visit to Adams Park (described to the Diary by one local journalist as "a shitehole!") is the fitness of Darren Barnard. Town's globe-trotting Wales left-back has been sent home from training with a virus/bug type thing, according to Keith Collins, who heard Graham Rodger talking about it yesterday morning on Radio Humberside. "One thing he said was that the virus would not have been a problem if Barney had been a woman," adds Keith. "I don't understand." Best not go there, mate... although the Diary remains intrigued as to why footballers seem many times more susceptible to virus/bug type things than the population at large. Email your explanations to the usual address!

Striker Nathan Tyson is expected to feature for Wycombe after joining short-term from Reading, as are fellow loanees Luke Moore and Steven Taylor despite having failed to uproot any significant oaks since signing from Aston Villa and Newcastle respectively. Defenders Chris Vinnicombe and Scott Marshall are missing with ankles and poorliness and things.

News leaks out of John McDermott's hernia... no, hang on... news of John McDermott's hernia leaks out. Yeah. Turns out that Mac has been limping away in agony after every recent match, barely able even to stand up as excruciating bolts of pain lash through his... his... erm, whichever part of you is affected by hernias. I sometimes think the Diary would be better written by somebody older who knows about these things. But the Mariners skipper is clenching is teeth and getting on with it, reports the Grimsby Telegraph, delaying the operation he will need until the end of the current season. "After games even lifting your legs up off the floor can be painful," winces Macca. "But as long as it doesn't affect me during games I'm not bothered. I'll soldier on!" Kinda brings a tear to the eye, don't it?

If, like the Diary, you were bored shitless by the lack of footy yesterday, you might well have been anxiously checking the Conference latest on Ceefax, in which case you would have seen that former GTFC forward Daryl 'Bungle' Clare grabbed a second hat-trick in three games as runaway league leaders Chester romped to a 6-2 win over Leigh, and you wouldn't have needed to read this paragraph, so I'm sorry for wasting your time.

After selling the name of a rusty old gate at Blundell Park and a place on the team bus to an away game, Town's new QXL auction offers the chance to join the players for a training session in front of a tractor. Even though the leading bid is currently just one quid, the Diary will be sitting this one out, since last time I had a kickabout down the park, I was despatched eight feet into the afternoon air by a fat bloke with a shaved head, so Lord only knows what violence Alan Pouton could unleash on my delicate frame.

Perhaps Will Douglas, also known as grimsbytillidie, will be tempted into a bid, though, after his disappointment at missing out in the gate auction. "Sad it may be," he admits, "but I would indeed have bid above £160 for the gate. How, by the way, did you know my full name? I don't mind in the least you revealing my 'true identity', it's just I can't remember signing the email." Well, you need to understand when dealing with me that the Diary has established an elaborate network of contacts among fans, playing staff, management and journalists, not to mention expertise in electronic surveillance, and so the Grimbarian who can conceal their identity from me is a rare beast indeed. That and the fact that it said "From: Will Douglas" at the top of your email.

"Grimsbytillidie isn't that morbid," continues Will, and he's right, really; I just find the mournful minor key of the song a bit glum. "I am proud to say that, when I am working out of the office, senior ranking directors of some of the UK's largest companies have had to send email to grimsbytillidie@hotmail.com. Not all of them, I might add, made snide comments as I spelt it out: 'That's two 'L's in till'. My preferred alter-ego is, in fact, Trawler, but I couldn't get that on hotmail, or qxl come to think of it. Some other saddos had it already. Still, Trawler doesn't really spell out the importance of GTFC - anyone who isn't a Mariners fan would think I'm into deep sea-fishing or something..."

"Spotted," writes merseymariner, "in the year of 2003 in the town of Grimsby. Once: Cooke, Ford, Jevons, Furneaux, Pouton. Twice: Coldicott. Repeatedly: Hughes." I take it this is Bradley rather than Richard?

And lastly today, Miles Moss has spotted a noteworthy element in Peter Furneaux's recent account of the situation with out-of-contract players: "Making an offer at the moment would only dis-incentivise them, and give other clubs the idea of how much they need to offer," said the chairman. "Doesn't this sound just like a Bush-ism?" writes the keen-eared Mr Moss. "Meanwhile, on the pitch, managerisationer Groves says the team need to scorificate more goals as well as keep up their excellent defenserisational play." For the Kyoto treaty, read Des Hamilton's contract.