Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Friday 19 November 2004

19 November 2004

You lookin' at me?

Good. This is Special Guest Diary reporting for duty, and today's big news is that an unnamed Russell Slade has failed in his unnamed attempt to sign an unnamed striker from an unnamed club. Apparently this striker was really good and would have scored fifty billion goals and built us a new stadium, but that's not going to happen now. We do need a striker though and according to the GrimTel, fans have been heard saying: "Oi, Slades you mupet, why haven't you signed Daryl Clare or summat he would score a big bagful of goals for us every game. You should be sacked or something." Russell reckons we can't afford him anyway - wages is one thing, but to keep that lad topped up with Mars Bars would ruin the club.

So, given the lack of strikers it looks like Slade may have to switch to a 4-4-2. This isn't such a bad thing now, thinks our Russ - in fact, he's gushing at the mere thought of it. Apparently he loves a good old bit of 4-4-2 and reckons all good teams like Arsenal, Chelsea and Scunthorpe play that formation. I lied about that last one, if I'm being honest.

The rest of the team isn't looking too strong either. Whittle has a taken a little knock, we're told; Fleming is suspended; and Coldicott has been filed under 'doubtful'. This means that Shaun Cunnington has been drafted in to the midfield for this weekend's games. Oh, there I go with those fibs again. Hockless is definitely back from Leigh RMI though - although I'm sure one of those expensive texts from the club will correct me if I've got that wrong. So, in attack we're buggered, midfield is empty... defence? No new injury worries there, but I doubt we'll see Terrell Forbes there given that he's busy in court with you-know-whatsit. Our man on the spot Mat Hare sent in a rather graphic report of the case so far - one which I couldn't possibly report here for fear of legal proddings - but the bit I can print is that Forbes "looked calm" early doors, but became "a bit more agitated as the day wore on." "He was dressed in a smart suit and tie," says Mat. Thanks for the fashion report Mat - what shoes did he wear?

Mr Pat Bell emails our regular Diary with his thoughts on Jonny Rowan - and because of the wonderous advances in modern technological wotsits, Mr Normal Diary is able to 'forward' this message on to me with a singular extension of his magic digits. Pat says: "You remember how it used to be quite a cachet for someone if they could claim to have had a trial with Orient or played a couple of reserve games for Crystal Palace (As I recall, that was the claim made for one of the characters in Abigail's Party)?" Yes, Pat, go on. "Do you have a nasty feeling that making several appearances for Grimsby is of about the same status? We can't aspire to know real professional footballers, but at least we can know people who used to play for Town." There's a horrible ring of truth to that, Pat.

And that's it for... oh hang on...what's THIS? Rob Jones says we have to "get back to basics". Oh for the love of the baby Jesus Christ Almighty. Can you get more basic than repeatedly lumping the ball upfield, Rob? Shite. What's on at the cinema at 3pm on Saturday? Oh well. Tune in next week when Russ tells us how he loves the long ball game rather than all this namby-pamby passing it about bollocks. I'm off to the bloody pub.