Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Thursday 23 December 2004

23 December 2004

If Town want to sign Torquay's Martin Gritton then they will be paid fifty thousand quid for doing so. That, at least, is what the BBC Humber website manages to suggest by moronically headlining its story on the Mariners' latest transfer target Grimsby have £50000 payout, though a more plausible scenario appears to be that the transfer of the aforementioned cash would actually proceed in the opposite direction - despite the Devon club apparently having asked only 15 big ones from Blackpool for Gritton's services before the player's proposed move to Bloomfield Road broke down earlier this month. The Diary posits two theories: either the Torques have got wind of all this money sloshing around BP, or somebody somewhere should have just said down the phone: "No... fif-teen... one-five..."

Another theory that has recently been offered to explain a GTFC-related phenomenon is that the three-fingered salute thing Terrell Forbes did when he came out of Kingston Crown Court means "read between the lines" - the lines in question being his second and fourth fingers, which, when read between, reveal his middle digit. Intelligent as well as charming, I am sure you will agree. While we are reading between the lines, though, it looks like Town have made Colin Cramb train even though he was injured, and it's just knackered him up even more (see also: Ramsden, Simon). The extent of the Mariners' woes is signified by the fact that even their fitness coach John Gray is unfit, having fallen prey to a virus which is also making free with the cells of Sir John McDermott and Ashley 'I'm Fucking Brilliant, Me' Sestanovich.

Town and Lincoln are teaming up to raise money for a charitable foundation named after a local teenager who was stabbed to death at his North Somercotes school last year. The Luke Walmsley Sports Foundation, which will help provide sporting facilities in Lincolnshire, is set to benefit from funds collected by the two clubs at their matches on 29 December and 22 January from activities including a fans' penalty shoot-out. An item on the Imps' website provides more information.

Earlier this week the Diary wondered aloud what you readers wanted for Christmas, and Richard Lord has "informed Father Chrimbo that I'd really like a new baking tray," apparently. Tell us more, sir. "My Mum sent me off to university with one back in September, which was nice of her, and basically it's a non-stick baking tray but food keeps sticking to it. Anyway, scraping singed sausages off non-stick baking trays is an arduous task, and can only be carried out successfully if you take the black bits with it. It ultimately results in me eating my food whilst simultaneously picking out the black bits that have peeled off the baking tray which, I'm sure you can imagine, is very embarrassing in front of my flatmates." Indeed, Rich, though times have clearly changed since the last time the Diary ate student food, when the little black flakes of baking tray were the best bits.

"While I'm on the subject of embarrassments," adds Mr Lord, "my very cool flatmate Nadia once kissed Harry Haddock after she came last in a spelling competition. I swear Harry's facial expression has changed." Whether the latter is a direct consequence of the smooch with Nadia, Richard tantalisingly fails to explain; but on the other hand Harry would not be alone among Town fans if the recent slump of his facial expression is in direct proportion to the Mariners' position in the Football League.

"All I want for Christmas is for you to wake me up from this nightmare and tell me that I was really born in Barcelona and that I have a season ticket at The Camp Nou," writes Mark Wilson. Well, Mark, you might have more fun that way, but you just wouldn't feel so special, now, would you? "Oh, and if you have the time, that Kylie is waiting outside to give me an extra present," concludes MW, presumably meaning a half season ticket for the Lower Stones.

Merry Christmas to the lot on yers!