Cod Almighty | Diary
Diary - Wednesday 2 February 2005
2 February 2005
Pontins League historians are today frantically thumbing the archives in search of the previous record score for a reserves match after Town's second string drew Manchester United in the competition's league cup. The likes of Glen Downey will be attempting damage limitation against a team of Scottish internationals you've never heard of at the ground of Hyde United on Saturday 19 March at the same time as their seniors will be back at Blundell Park attempting to avenge their opening-day defeat by ambitious Darlington.
Back in the present day, the Mariners' stiffs will have to turn their minds to the more modest challenge that is likely to be offered by Notts County at Blundell Park this afternoon: a fixture that has not altered at all since this time yesterday. They're letting you in free if you've nothing better to do, and why would you have? Justin Whittle might be getting a game, and if you really, honestly, truly have got anything better to do then you could do it while you frantically click your F5 key in search of updates from Town's redoubtable official website.
Albert Einstein was a genius, and he did very badly at school. The Diary is a complete waster who will never achieve anything in life, and I did really well at school. Perhaps I ought to have followed Albie's noble example and failed a few more exams. And if my note-making skills had been as limited during my adolescence as they seem to be now, then perhaps that's exactly what would have happened. My preparatory jottings for today's Diary include the line: "Shrew kds, 2 free", from which I am somehow expected to extrapolate the fact that adult individuals wishing to attend the game of association football that is scheduled to take place between teams representing Grimsby and Shrewsbury on 12 February in the year of our Lord two thousand and five will be entitled to be accompanied at no extra charge by two minors. It's a miracle that I get through the day at all.
Fed up of all those QXL auctions in which GTFC flog off the barely muddied sock of a 33-year-old midfielder brought in on a short-term contract by Nicky Law on transfer deadline day last season who then made two full appearances and one as a substitute in which he patently failed to contribute anything noteworthy to the doomed cause of Town's relegation avoidance and whose name you'd forgotten before the fourth division fixture list came out? Well, be fed up no more, as the club's latest fundraising wheeze is to auction the shirt of no less a figure than Paul Groves. And it's not just any old shirt; it's the one he wore at Wembley in 1998! Twice! I hope he washed it in between! Check it out.
Speaking of old Nick, we were all delighted to learn earlier this week that the game of football was to be denied his services no longer, and that supporters of Buxton FC in the Northern Counties East League are the latest to be enjoying his unique combination of successful motivational skills and stylish football, weren't we? But did we know that the ground at which Mr Law is now plying his trade is the highest in England at more than 1,000 feet above sea level? I'll wager we did not. Better send him some breathing apparatus, eh.
Diary reader Felix Oliver-Tasker, the poshest-named Town fan in the multiverse, has emailed again to explain his inability to find a report on the Mariners' victory at Cheltenham last Friday. "Sorry to say old chap that Tossedoff Towers is closed for the rainy season, Mumsie and Daddo are wintering in the Med and have taken Scrotum the wrinkled retainer along with them to minster their every need [sic]. As for me, the Royal Berkshire Hospital never sleeps, the cat's got piles and the parrot's got a sore throat, could be thrush." I think that's quite enough, thank youÂ… ooh, no, hang on - what's this? "Thanks for a brilliant site. It's the first thing I look at when I log on in the morning." No, no - thank you, Felix. Any chance Daddy could keep the Mariners afloat?
Two further emails suggest ways to tie up Felix's loose ends, as it were. The first comes from MFB, who writes: "There is a reasonably unbiased report on the Cheltenham official site. Not of the standing of Mr Butcher's efforts, however." That'll be this one thenÂ… oh, dear - how few people saw Cheltenham win 3-0 at the Deva last night? Looks like the good people of Chester are no more enamoured than we are of their team's style of play... Richard Dawson, meanwhile, writes: "In the absence of a match report perhaps we CA readers could while away the lonely hours by digesting the football book reviews promised us by Pete Green about a year ago. Or maybe Pete could just lend me the books?" Um... Pete...?
Finally today, the Diary is both delighted and intrigued to hear from Alan Richardson, despite the fact that his email is completely empty. Apart from his signature file, that is, which tells us that Alan is the marketing manager of Fresh Cut Salads - hope that's working out well for you, Al - and very thoughtfully mentions, presumably in case any Diary readers could just murder a lovely plate of kos lettuce, that his telephone number is 01778 392943.