Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Tuesday 22 March 2005

22 March 2005

Whitney Houston is world-famous and fabulously wealthy by virtue of her tremendous vocal cords. The Diary is read by 18 Grimsby fans on their lunch hours, has to buy those 8p tins of baked beans that taste like bullets, and has been served with an ASBO banning me from every karaoke night in the Yorkshire and Humber region. But when La Houston sings the lines "I believe the children are the future/Teach them well and let them lead the way/Show them all the beauty they possess inside", well, she and I could almost be the same person. This is why the Diary is terrifically excited that the Mariners' youth team is taking on Port Vale's at 7pm tonight at Blundell Park, and that the prize on offer for the winners is a place in the final of the Midlands Youth Floodlit Cup against Shrewsbury, and, who knows, maybe that's what old Whitters thinks about too when she belts out 'The Greatest Love of All'. According to Town's official website, the finalists can choose between a two-legged final, one match at a neutral venue, or tossing a coin - a decision that hopefully rests with the coaches rather than the kids themselves, who would probably opt to decide the trophy with an all-night Xbox play-off.

The Mariners will resemble an underfunded navy for their visit to Bury this Good Friday, as Stacy Coldicott's calf injury and Terry Maurice Fleming's suspension look like leaving them short of a couple of destroyers. The Grimsby Telegraph's injury update reveals, however, that team manager Mr Russell Slade is hopeful that Messrs Crowe and Parkinson will be available for the Gigg gig. If you're phoning up the Bury ticket office, by the way, don't make any jokes about Phillip and Gary Neville being really ugly or anything, because that's their mum on the other end of the line.

Phil Watson dutifully followed the link in yesterday's Diary to the worst internet match report ever, like, in the whole history of crap internet match reports, ever, and has been particularly tickled by its assertion that "Grimsby's Terry Fleming was sent off by the referee for deceit". So much so, in fact, that he has emailed the Diary to say: "Presumably it was his coming on as a Darlington substitute that the referee didn't like. If that deceitful behaviour isn't a red card offence I don't know what is. Ten Darlington players on the pitch against 12 of Town (admittedly two of them were Terry Fleming) and we still couldn't score..."

Your suggestions for cheese/song title puns continue to dribble through like the mozzarella off a sloppy, over-topped pizza. "Roquefort Around the Clock?" offers Paul Wright. "Or you must have had 'Be my Babybel' - The Ronettes." Very good. Andy Lumbard, meanwhile, asks: "How could you miss Elton's 'Philadelphia Freedom' or Chuck Berry's 'Rock n Roule Music'?" Again, not bad - although none have quite plumbed the depths of Depeche Mode's 'Personal Cheeses'.

Finally, two men from Grimsby are among 31 arrested yesterday in the run-up to some England match or other this weekend by some coppers who reckon there might be a knock. The Yorkshire Post reports that the men were nicked when police "put Operation Lucas into action yesterday", which rather begs the question of whether the arresting officers said: "You are under arrest on suspicion of conspiracy to commit public order offences. You have the right to remain silent. And don't try any of your Jedi mind tricks on me, sunshine."