Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Wednesday 11 May 2005

11 May 2005

A fabulous A-list evening of star-studded entertainment was had at McMenemy's last night as the Mariners squad had their hair done and wore their best new glittery ballgowns to assemble (with just the one or two exceptions) for the 2005 player of the year awards. After nearly two glorious decades in showbusiness it was John McDermott who swept the board, taking the gongs for mainstream player of the year, Cod Almighty player of the year and best supporting wing-back, together with a lifetime achievement award; and he'd have won best original screenplay as well if Town were ever on the telly any more. Today was meant to be the day McDermott decided whether he would sign up to record yet another sequel in his long-running Grimsby Town series, and although there seems to be no news as yet, the gossip columns are full of talk of "staying with the club he loves". Hull must reckon they're a bit too Hollywood these days to bother with stars of the small screen.

In other awards last night, Brat Pack multiple nominee Nick Hegarty was named young player of the year for his cameo performance at Kidderminster; Michael Reddy was named best actor for his series of outstanding dives throughout the season; and the BBC Humber website narrowly retains its crown for best mangling of English by a website that people actually get paid to write, by virtue of today's description of Macca's prize as a "converted award". Unless, of course, the trophy really did used to be a paperweight in the draughty accounts office at Five Star Fish, in which case the Diary apologises profusely.

Raging Russell Slade has "now spoken to every single player" in his squad, reports Town's official website. At first this may seem like no big deal seeing as he signed most of them himself and he's presumably spent the past nine months coaching them several times a week and then telling them his tactics for matches and everything, but what it means, when you read it in context, see, is he's spoken to them about their futures and stuff. Crafty. The boss goes on to explain that Dave 'The Spade' Soames has been invited for pre-season training without actually having been offered a new contract yet, and that Graham 'The Hair' Hockless reckons he's off to Australia. Which seems to be pretty much what young people do these days when they're feeling directionless, misunderstood and ill-treated by authority figures, but at 22 the evanescent winger might be considered a bit old for a gap year, and the Diary will worry no end about his backpack being too heavy for him.

But it's back to the player of the year awards for the inbox of today's Diary, where Michael Shelton has flung an email to remind me who won in the years before Phil Jevons reaped the protest vote at last season's award like a Lib Dem in a by-election. "Santos," explains Mr S. "Before that Coyne twice." Oh yeah. "Before that? Dunno. Groves, Pouton, McDermott, someone like that. Before that? Tees probably won it once." Does it go back that far? Actually, I bet you Groves and Macca never won it, as they're just the sort of consistent, non-flashy, English, quietly effective performers essential to the success of any team who Town fans always underappreciate. Until this year, obviously. I've never once heard a chant of "There's only one John McDermott", though. Except the one I started at my local after the Auto Windscreens Shield final in '98, but that's another story for another time.