Cod Almighty | Diary

Diary - Wednesday 29 March 2006

29 March 2006

After using a highly tasteful sequence of war analogies in its report on the Mariners' drubbing at Lincoln last weekend, the Grimsby Telegraph continues in militaristic mode today with a Sun-style Photoshop mock-up of Russell Slade in a camouflage jacket and black beret. At least I assume it's a mock-up. The image accompanies a piece headlined Let's get up and at 'em, in which the Town boss "is rallying his shattered troops" ahead of this Saturday's visit by Wrexham. Sir John McDermott should return to the team after missing the Sincil mauling, explains the Telegraph, but Gary Cohen and Luton's Michael Reddy are possible fitness doubts for this weekend's conflict, when Town will be looking to inflict maximum civilian casualties on the invading Welsh army using cluster bombs, landmines and napalm.

After the fourth division's leading sides have spent the entire season taking it in turns to look quite good and then turn out to be as rubbish as everyone else, the basement finally appears to have found its champions in Carlisle Five, whose paltry one-nil win over Lincoln last night nevertheless extends their lead over the Mariners to a life-altering six points. It has also emerged that the all-conquering Cumbrians stepped in to help last weekend when their visitors' team coach broke down on the way to Brunton Park, and sent out the Carlisle Five bus to pick them up. It is not yet known whether Boston returned the vehicle when they had finished with it, or sold it to the nearest second-hand dealer and trousered the cash.

Nick Hegarty. Remember him? When Russell Slade got a new contract last spring, Town's players responded by winning only one of their final ten matches of the season - away at Kidderminster, where young Heggers made an excellent 20-minute debut as a late substitute playing up the left wing. His manager responded by awarding him with a new playing contract and not letting him play, and Ginger Nick has today been sent on loan to Willenhall Town of the Southern League Division One West (step 8 in the pyramid, I think, for those of you copying the Diary's anorak-style anorak).

Come to think of it, whatever happened to Russell Slade's new new contract?

It is on the subject of Hegarty's loan that Dan Humphrey has emailed the Diary. "Official site says he hasn't featured for the first team this season," he writes. "WRONG! Ah well... he must have been used as sub twice or more?" Dan is right and the official site, you will be surprised to learn, is wrong: Hegs 11 managed seven minutes as a substitute against Carlisle on 2 January to add to the two he had clocked up at the end of the Lincoln game five days earlier. Then there was Morecambe, but we've airbrushed that from the pages of history, haven't we.

"I have worked it out!" shouts JR Colling, possibly jumping out of the bath and running round the streets of Sheffield stark bollock naked. Worked what out, JR? "Why Grimsby are in with a chance of promotion. It's because the reserves haven't won! Town lose 5-0 and the reserves don't do as bad as normal. Coincidence? I don't think so. It's a yin-yang, karma, cosmic balance thing! The crappiness has to go somewhere... or maybe I've just been smoking too much...". Well, it's as good an explanation as any; thousands more supporters still have no idea exactly how Town are placed second in the division. One of these seems to be Sibbo, who has also emailed alluding to recent events at Sincil Bank. "Hey, what's this, Diary?" he asks. "Mighty Mariner a fool? The guy is no fool. He never turned up last Saturday, did he?" Neither did most of the players, though, Sib, and they were feeling pretty foolish by four o'clock.